At last we reach week 52 completing the year of news articles we started exactly a year ago today on April 10^th, 2005. Let them call me undisciplined now!

If you want a nasty walk on the path called The More Things Change, click away.

South Korean woman passes driver’s exam on 950^th try

This with 60% as a passing score. Let that put to rest forever the horribly inappropriate piece of racist slander that little old Asian ladies are the worst drivers in the world.

The good news for the pedestrians of 서울 is that the Terror of 완주 has yet to pass the accompanying driving test. Here’s to try 1,900!

Now let’s line up the real action–

• Ft. Hood shooting “horrifying”

• Congressional Leaders Horrified by Shooting

• Canadian soliders horrified by Fort Hood massacre

• Southland Muslims horrified by shooting rampage

• Obama mourns “horrifying” attacks

• Family horrified at massacre

Say, weren’t we talking about government work just that morning? It’s all okay because also in the news–

• Cat owner horrified by shooting of pet

• Hunters shoot bear dead in front of horrified tourists

• Peter Howson’s Horrifying Portrait Of Amy Winehouse

• Nintendo Wii’s Horrifying Attempt to Appeal to Young Girls

Let’s not forget that horror is a petty commodity in the United States and that the English language is only of historical importance to a handful of researchers.

Let’s also not forget that there are a few hundred thousand birds come and coming home to roost and you can rely on plenty more “massacres” where that came from over the next twenty years.

• Museum Receives Horrifying Offer From Nazi Relative

Godwinned! At last we can end this. The next time a thread is mercifully dispatched by anyone invoking the name of Godwin I hope you’ll appreciate that the Internet has Hitler to thank for this final solution.

They weren’t extra, Bill. I’m considering removing some extra bones from you if you don’t start coaching your developers to practice peace and faith that users generally know what the fuck they want their messages to look like when writing them.

I remarked to a coworker that I’d rather clean toilets than work for the government. He asked how many toilets. I replied it’s a fine line but cleaning toilets would only make me depressed. Working for the government would make me homicidal.

Y’all—all y’all—should pitch right down on your well appointed knees in this the season of thanks and thank your God that I have a cast iron stomach for sorrow and no tolerance for anger.

I just watched another trailer for Avatar. What a revolting fantasy. Not that a technologically inferior indigenous race could stand up to the guns of the takers but that any of the takers would give a ripe fuck.

I’ll probably love this movie. I’ll probably cry when I watch it. It won’t be for the Apache or Lakota or Cherokee or Cheyenne or any of them. Those tears are spent. It will be because it is such a disgusting self-delusion. Not that their ilk can stand up—obviously they can—but because it’s ludicrous to present any of the bad guys as caring beings.

Red, White, or Blue, you don’t care. Four hundred years on and you’re still the bad guys. Those of you jerking-off to the fantasy that you’re not are the worst of all.

Not writing letters. Not writing friends. Letting the editor kill pieces too quickly.

Too busy with software development, a supposed sideline, money making hobby, turned too serious.

Plagued by disengaged arguments—the will to pop the clutch on them buried beneath the cowardice of fatherhood’s concern for being here tomorrow.

The smell of roasting green chile only an emotional memory of high desert October. An embrace missing. Blue atole. Chorizo and eggs served Christmas. Bereft. The peasant and idiotic palate of jalapeños and cilantro a depressing stand-in they push at you expecting enjoyment. This world that makes spell checkers which want to correct chile.

This world which would rather pay me six figures to write software no one particularly needs than a humble five to write poems and songs and bitch about how much I want to like everyone.

In case you forgot–

President David Palmer from 24.

President Lindberg from Hudson Hawk II The Fifth Element.

President Tom Beck from Deep Impact.

President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho from Idiocracy.

And the one with the least believable name of them all, President Barack Obama from Fox’s ongoing reality series All Pwogs Go to Heaven.

What? You thought they would really let a black man be president in real life? That the illuminatti would allow such a thing? Don’t you see? Of course it’s fiction. It explains why Obama’s policies are exactly the same as Bush’s. The expensive medical plans. The unauditable bail outs. The escalation of wars without point or end.

It only makes sense if you accept it as fiction. But all y’all sorta do that intuitively already, right? Willing suspension of disbelief the hallmark of the Left.

And if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao. You might just make it with someone anyhow.

IOZ, usually quotable, is sometimes entirely bitable. As it were. All deference, my Affirmative Action and The Scandinavians’ Burden jokes must be swept aside in favor of his superior dish–

Giving a “peace prize” to a sitting head of state is in any case faintly absurd, like giving a Gruber Prize to Roman Polanski, but giving it to a sitting American head of state while his country is engaged in two major conflicts resulting from its occupation of supposedly sovereign foreign countries because of “his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between people” is like giving me the Nobel Prize in Medicine because I promise all my bareback partners that I am going to cure AIDS. Well, it’s fine then! The White House reports that The Obama is humbled by the news.

The Bang in the Dynamite

• Chuck Norris doesn’t beat up short, myopic, gimp-legged Chinese guys in movies. He gets killed by them after they tear off half his chest hair.
• Chuck Norris’s Professional Middleweight Karate champion titles were for non-contact sparring.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t worship Aries or Thor or Shiva or any cool Gods. He worships some Jew pussy¹ who—to prove an idiotic point about what a mensch His Dad could be if given half a chance—let a bunch of losers railroad and kill him.
• Chuck Norris hates fags and Charles Darwin almost as much as he enjoys fathering children out-of-wedlock when he himself is actually in wedlock.