PTA #1

Friday, 6 March 2015

PTA: Watch this video on Sexual Misconduct.

Me: Pffff. Lessons? How hard could it be?

PTA: ಠ_ಠ

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I don’t care #1

Sunday, 1 March 2015

I don’t care what anybody says.

Patricia Michaels said her cousin was an idiot for dumping me and that’s the only thing in the world that matters.

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Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Who are some (dare we say Public) Americans that you like? They can’t all be dead, right?

I like everyone, almost. Having snacks and talking culture, TexMexicana, and anecdotes with George W would be a blast, for example. A really likeable, friendly man. Just because I think his presidency was disastrous and I wouldn’t endorse him for anything more powerful than dog catcher doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like him. That is obviously not quite what you mean though. I had this conversation a few days ago and was pressed: Well, then, who on Earth shares your politics?

You don’t have to be Tom Paine / To be my girl. You just have to be honest and willing to indulge in self-reflection and the possibility of self-improvement from said examination turning up bad data. 90% of Americans would agree with me on nearly every single point of politics if they could accept that some of the things they think are true actually bring about the opposite of what they want. Nearly no one wants suffering or poverty or disease or violence for their neighbors. Only about 10% are willing to understand and accept that a little bit is just the cost of the doing business, it doesn’t mean one doesn’t care, it means it cannot ever be erased completely and that trying to bring that little bit down to zero is, in light of all evidence going on hundreds of years, exactly what ensures it becomes well fed, breeds, expands, and starts to claim 10 times its natural habitat.

Needed to update to say that the 80% or so who agree with me about the desired ends but not the means have an incredibly simple fact to learn that for some reason is nearly impossible for some to absorb: You cannot force the world to be good, or even better. Introducing force toward that end is guaranteed to achieve the opposite.

Politics draws exactly the wrong kind of personality and the nature of the game means even the “good” folks who make it in—this definitely includes cops among those with power over others—tend to end up acting lousy; see SPE. Only a dozen or so that I know in my lifetime I think belong there. The country has millions of engineers, cooks, pilots, janitors, scientists, students, nurses, clerks, etc who I think are damn swell persons without anything more in particular to learn about the game and would make wonderful friends or acquaintances. There is a long term problem with the fact of power’s self-organizing trait and this other attitude of be good in your sphere and live and let live. We’re just seeing it become completely unashamed as well.

Too big to fail has a corollary: Too small to succeed.

I would not enjoy a beer with Barack. Cool name aside, he strikes me as a particularly unpersonable, morose jackass with nothing to talk about except himself and his career and nothing interesting to say about anything at all.

Pretty sure I like you. :P Don’t let either of us down!

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Perl Sucks

Monday, 2 February 2015

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I think I’m finally going to finish my whiskey tasting app

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Because it would have been nice if someone had told me that Jim Beam has the aftertaste of soap.

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No results found for "best fossil hunting in america"

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Fuck you, Google. Fuck you, America. You all let me down; always; all of you.

Best Fossil Hunting in America: 0 results.

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$74 million? …fuck you, NASA

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

H-1B visas don’t seem so silly all of the sudden.

India’s mission to Mars
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Fuck it

Monday, 15 September 2014

The site was never actually down. I just pulled the top page. Have it back. What good it’ll do ya’.

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My buttons and I despise “Hills Like White Elephants” precisely because it’s so motherfucking effective

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

I admit it. My buttons are circled in neon lime and are bigger than Natalie Portman’s nipples.


Today some emo twat on FB called Ernest Miller dead *and* crap for dialog. ¿That shit?

And to back up his point he presented, as an alternative, a modern author whose critically acclaimed best-seller has a title which apes The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber.

Y’all know I’d enjoy prison, yeah? Get some fucking writing done.

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Suggested slogans for

Monday, 10 February 2014

  • Isn’t it time you settled?
  • You can’t hit snooze on your biological clock forever.
  • You don’t have to answer every question in your profile truthfully … he didn’t!
  • You’re not getting any younger, you know.
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Overheard at work #1

Sunday, 15 December 2013

You ever see that Wire show? It’s not bullshit like CSI. It’s like real life. It’s like how shit goes down.

White guy in suit taking a break between sales’ calls
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Unlikely to remain

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Sorry for the live tests but better than dead tests.


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Please and Thank You, my 420 present to the world

Saturday, 20 April 2013

I don’t like pot as I think I’ve gone to great lengths to establish. I’m not trying to protect myself or present a false front and it’s not that I don’t like things. Lord no. I will use canned air on the empty bottle of hydrocodone to get the last dust. I will lick the underside of that cowpie smooth before I let a microgram of psilocybin bearing fungus escape back to the Earth. And they don’t call me the fifth for my love of bourbon but some enterprising biographer will make it funny someday.

I just don’t like marijuana. Not my cup of green tea.

Which is strange because I wrote a love song to Mary Jane recently. I like the lyrics pretty well but I know I’ll never record it and probably never perform it since the music for it is too close to another song I am going to keep and play.

So, it’s yours. Attribution only Creative Commons license.

Please and Thank You

Delightfully high, minding my own business Thank you My yard is groomed, my car is well parked yes Thank you I’m no threat to you or society I’m as friendly as a friend can be Innocuous is my middle name I like you and I hope you feel the same Please and thank you Higher than fuck, has just been my luck Thank you Inquiring minds are the better to find with Thank you My friends are polite and all smell nice My wares are worth their cost at twice the price I bet we’d get along given half a chance If you do change your mind, my arms remain askance Please and thank you It’s a pleasure dome, when I get home from work Thank you Why is it so hard to believe one can coexist with weed Thank you My neighbors have never needed to call the police You think I’d warrant one try at least All company is pleasant and you are more than welcome Say what you want but don’t say you’ll never come around Please and thank you Oh, I do tend to forget, but have no regrets Thank you Are we here to be happy or treat each other like crap Thank you You will never be judged by who you want to be I would no sooner hurt you than I would me This life could be more fun, you must agree Come do something about that and you’ll see Please and thank you 2013.02.19

Creative Commons License
Please and Thank You by Ashley Pond V is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at

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Tax Day

Monday, 15 April 2013

Just got a lot less comfortable being a tax protestor I suppose.

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Dear American Gun Debaters,

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Most of you would rather read about a woman getting raped than see a woman open-carry a firearm.

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Dorsal anatomical expertise in carcharhiniformes

Monday, 1 April 2013

Google’s annual sporting event.


To paraphrase one of the masters: Promise something. Kill me right away if I start to browse on April first.

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Wednesday, 27 March 2013


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As American as gun’n’cars

Thursday, 21 March 2013

All it would take to fix the other issue is a national 30mph speed limit cap. I think it’s a great idea. I don’t know why you insist another million Americans die for no reason. Oh, yeah, it’s called the motherfucking cost of doing business. High speed limits save more than they cost. Most all freedom does.

Want to be really clear: the photographer’s opinion, views, etc are not reflected here. The image was under a CC license and he has no idea what’s been done here. Also, it’s edited significantly.
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Britney Spears on the cover of Rolling Stone again

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Kind of a surprise to see Britney Spears on the cover of Rolling Stone these days. Good for her. I wonder why she got breast reduction surgery though.

Why did Britney Spears get breast reduction surgery?

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Dear Tim Burton,

Sunday, 17 February 2013


Thanks a lot for making my 5 year-old cry—and me the bad guy—when I declined to dig up our recently deceased cat to reverse-electrocute last night. A+ messaging there, asshole.

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Questions from the chalkboard #7: All too well titled for America

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Hey Sedition,

In your honest opinion, do you think America is headed for fiery bloody doom or do we have a fighting chance to make it through this century?

You neglect option C: with a whimper.

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I had the password to the CC Motel at…

Friday, 11 January 2013

…and I had unfettered and unaudited access to the full customer database, all email, refunds, gift-certificates, catalog records, celebrities’ addresses and shopping lists, and chargebacks. I think I can be trusted with some dead guy’s X-ray.

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Lost notes #2: on your left-leaning, liberal, education-centric politics

Friday, 28 December 2012

Date: Fri, 8 Oct 2010 08:53:15 -0700
Subject: on your left-leaning, liberal, education-centric politics

If power corrupts wouldn’t you have to agree that an inept, borderline retarded, governance would be superior to a cagey, well-organized, skilled one?

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You know who plays Stratocasters?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

You know who plays Strats?

Wife beaters, that’s who.

Ike Turner—wife beater and Strat player


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Just saying, #1

Tuesday, 20 November 2012


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