Celebrate a Day without a Woman!

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Don’t say, “You mean Christmas?” Don’t say, “You mean Christmas?” Don’t say, “You mean Christmas?” You mean Christmas? …D’Oh!

Oh, okay… Hanukkah!

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America just needs to find some common ground to solve the current strife and turmoil

Thursday, 2 February 2017

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I haven’t been sexy in a long time –or– Hat-trick

Friday, 20 January 2017

Sexist. I meant sexist. Don’t pretend you didn’t know what I meant.

After Amy, Patti and Ron, Chel–sea, the drinky McWondertwins, the chronic gone girls with the power of invisibility given by media in love…

It’s nice is all I’m saying. Just once in my lifetime. To have a stone fox, sexpot first daughter. For once in American history!

I am positive the allegations of incest are exaggerated and that when Trump said, ”If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” he meant it. Nothing ever happened. He’s never touched her. He just fantasizes about it when he bangs the poor girl’s stepmother.

Me: Shit! Goddamn it! What is even wrong with you? Whuhhh… Nothing as funny as misogyny except maybe incest?! ಠ_ಠ

Myself: Thank goodness. It’s so nice to hear you finally agree with me about something.

Me: Pffff… And I noticed you squeezed in a little bonus homophobia there.

Myself: Wait? Was that gas or did you say something? Between your breath and your mumbling, I can’t tell the difference.

Me: Ron. …In the list.

Myself: Ha! A) I’m not homophobic. As I’ve gone to great lengths to repeat: I wish every other man in the world were gay. B) Ron is not gay, you liberal fuck. C) Calling Ron a first daughter is a joke he’d like. He’s a hell of a lot funnier than you are and he knows I earned the right to make the joke. I took ballet too.

Me: Made your stupid deadline with this tripe. Happy now?

Myself: All day long.

Me: Why? You didn’t vote for the newly minted… what did you call him on the chalkboard in November? Trashfire in Chief. New Yorker bit you a couple days ago, you know?

Myself: Mmmm, hmmmm… I’ve got a case of schadenfreude that makes watching the director’s cut of the Lord of the Rings on cyclobenzaprine and clomipramine while lying in a tub of warm jello seem like a prom date with my sister.

Me: What the actual fuck? …Why?

Myself: All day long. Hillary Diane née Rodham, mother-fucking, Clinton and the acres of pussy Bill plumbed that she had to ignore and the thousand humiliations and the setbacks and losing the big chair to a black Chicago nobody and all the rest. And she put up with it. All of it! The endless lies. The gallons of pride she had to swallow. She endured it and she beat them all. No amount of scandals or bad behavior got in the way. She played the party and the process like the devil plays a fiddle. And she did it for what she has to watch someone else get again today. And not just anyone else. The least deserving, least qualified, most absurd person imaginable and by an electoral…college…win. Agony and ecstasy live together in perfect harmony. Side by s–

Me: She won’t watch it.

Myself: She will. And because she will, and only because she will, so will I. I want to feel every second of it through her.

Me: I won’t watch it.

Myself: Oh, I’ll fill you in. If you know what I mean. Wuf! You go take your moral stand over there, okay? The grown-ups have to catch up on our stories.

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One State, Two State, Penny and Dime

Sunday, 15 January 2017

If Israeli Jews are to retain their homeland—while rejecting a two-state solution to the “Palestinian Problem”—based on nothing but the fact that it is their homeland, I submit: Every Israeli must take a DNA test; every Palestinian too. Those who most closely match any bones from 5,000 year old burial sites… say, within 90% or else we’re not letting in the Chosen really, they are, alone, allowed to stay.

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Your last word, for your FYI

Monday, 26 December 2016

If I did not respond to your rebuttal comment in some way, anywhere, any social media, comment board, or forum, private message, email, then I did not read your reply.

I have never had trouble walking out of a movie I was not enjoying. I’ve put down 500 page books at page 478. I have less trouble ignoring a thread after I had my say. Your last word was self-abuse.

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This week in the news, shortbus –or– Fuck this guy

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

Trump’s SecDef Pick Gen. Mattis Says Iraq War Was Probably A “Mistake”

Yeah… a million died, and five or six million refugees created and add to that we achieved the exact opposite of our goal. Region is destabilized, semi-permanently, and terrorism has grown seven-fold. So, jury’s out, but it was probably a mistake.

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The problem with your worldview

Monday, 28 November 2016

I’ve stumbled around this truth for decades. Suggesting that you should consider what a world of your literal peers would be like, etc. Never hitting the bullseye.

The problem with your worldview is it assumes that other persons will be different from you. It requires that other persons will be different from you.

No? You don’t see the problem.

I don’t want to be a janitor, but I wouldn’t mind so much. There are no lousy jobs, only lousy persons. And I don’t piss on the seat or leave a clogged toilet for someone else to handle.

I don’t want to be a satellite engineer but it’s not beyond me and I wouldn’t mind so much I guess. I don’t want to work a deli counter but I’ve done it and it’s not that much worse than a 150 ticket deep bug queue with customers getting antsy and angry. I don’t want to fix cars or teevees or toasters but working with your hands is pretty nice and engaging after all and who doesn’t love a good mystery? I don’t want to be a hunter or a farmer but I do love seeing living things and the world around them so I could learn to love it. I don’t want to be a gaffer but I could get used to being the one the director isn’t mad at every day.

You see where this is going.

The problem with your worldview is not primarily that it requires guns and prisons to achieve but that it requires someone else to do the things you wouldn’t, couldn’t.

I don’t hate anyone really. I do, however, wish with everything there is, that each of you could have the world you think you want but every one of the 7 billion inhabitants would be you. Then, I think, you wouldn’t have any rebuttals, just apologies and a perspective that might be interesting and helpful to anyone besides yourself.

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¡Viva Fidel!

Saturday, 26 November 2016

That ain’t no bee, buddy

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This end of the year in the news

Saturday, 26 November 2016

O’S NEW YEAR TAUNT: I WOULD HAVE BEAT TRUMP!

A 3 day-old bagel would have beaten Trump. But your asshole party chose to run the only unelectable Democrat in the entire stable. A half-black man with nearly no qualifications, a shit record, and half the verbal gaffes of the second dumbest Bush—sorry, Neil—beat her in the primaries. How could you fools have thought you could force her down anyone’s but Monica’s throat?

Korean Air to get tougher on unruly passengers and ease stun gun rules

[After] criticism from U.S. singer Richard Marx for its handling of an incident involving a violent passenger … Marx’s wife, Daisy Fuentes…

WHAT?! I have no friends and the media has never done its job for a moment. How on God’s green Earth did I not know Daisy Fuentes was married to Richard Marx.

Sidenote: Generations Y–Millennial, I know you don’t get it. That’s not why you’re disliked. It doesn’t help either.

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Well…

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Being a Secret Service agent on the Presidential protection detail gets a lot more demanding in January. Sorry, fellas.

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Tuck-ins with Morty

Saturday, 22 October 2016

12 YEAR-OLD BOY

(Getting tucked in on a hot and humid Florida Keys’ night.)

It’s too human.

DAD

Humid?

12 YEAR-OLD BOY

Human.

DAD

Well, believe it or not I tried quite hard to change into an insect when I was younger but I couldn’t pull it off.

12 YEAR-OLD BOY

That’s too bad.

DAD

I’ll try harder.

12 YEAR-OLD BOY

Yay.

DAD

Maybe you shouldn’t be too happy. Some insects eat their babies.

12 YEAR-OLD BOY

That would be fun! I want to see the inside of your digestive system.

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Remember, it’s not just the decorum that makes the sexual predator

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

It’s also how smooth he is or isn’t.

Clinton on top of Leslie looks pretty good after all…
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About your CV

Sunday, 25 September 2016

If you have never completely sympathized with Vincent Willem van Gogh for cutting off his ear and mailing it to a whore, you have never in your life been particularly high or drunk.

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Suddenly tonight I’m scared I might die with no one knowing

Friday, 16 September 2016

If you don’t know me personally, you don’t know I think U2 is the worst, least talented, most hackish band that has ever attained commercial and popular success. And to put that in perspective, I’m aware of the entire catalog of Oasis.

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WAT?

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

DRENCHED IN THE PERFUME OF MY ENEMIES.

BLOOD. BLOOD IS WHAT I MEANT. I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY. RIGHT?

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15 years ago today –or– The word “wimp” is for pussies

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Speaking of being polite online. And to think I almost wimped out on posting this.

Additionally–

i don’t believe you

size doesn’t matter
when you’re madder than a hatter
’cause i’m fucking phatter
than your pinche cookie batter.

0.04 14.12.95
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Your nominee

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

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Regarding Michelle Obama’s beautiful speech no one can shut up about

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Her husband killed 80 innocent persons going about daily life, 35 of them were children, exactly one week ago. Children. So many children killed by this man and this neoconservative bullshit painted Blue.

I do not give a fuck what Michelle Fucking Obama says about anything until they both apologize and end the wars. And then I hate them both a tiny amount less if they never show their murderous faces in public again.

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This week in the news #77, shortbus

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Nice attack: At least 80 dead, including 10 children, as lorry rams into crowd

But that’s none of my business.

You know what else killed 80 innocent persons just going about their day this week, including quite a few more than 10 children? A single one of president Obama’s thousands of drone strikes. Another at a funeral in Pakistan killed 10 kids coincidentally.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos Gets Cameo in Star Trek Beyond

Chris Pine, who plays Kirk, had this to say: “I was there for the bit with his like nine bodyguards and three limos. It was really intense. I had no idea who he was. Not a clue. But he was obviously very important.”

He never choked Olivia Munn to orgasm so how important could he be?

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I like insects more than you #43: black on black violence

Monday, 18 July 2016

Chalybion with captive Black Widow

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Best thing I have been asked in ages

Thursday, 14 July 2016

R u illiterate?

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Your courage and self-confidence

Saturday, 21 May 2016

If your courage and self-confidence are grounded in someone else’s love, support, and nurturing, you have no courage or self-confidence, just gaping sores covered with extremely sticky Band-Aid®s which circumstances, or someone else, could rip away at any moment.

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Re: The Killing

Sunday, 15 May 2016

That is not Seattle rain. Seattle rain is like a chronic illness.

It is not direct. It does not pour.

It’s slow. It’s weak. It’s an insidious misting. Entering your pores through osmosis, not force. It’s insistent, yes, but it’s strong perhaps once a year. Perhaps. The other 282 days it’s a hazy disease. A lack of light. A voice in your head so quiet you don’t hear what it says until the shotgun is in your lap and understanding is your crown.

That said, I have a call out. Brent Sexton was solid in Justified. He’s solid gold in The Killing.

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Tales

Sunday, 8 May 2016

I’ve told some hurtful tales in my day.

I wonder if anyone has hurtful tales about me they’re sitting on. I wonder if I’ll be able to take it or if it will truly, mortally wound.

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To everyone crapping on Axl today

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

You know, I realize that Guns N’ Roses, and Axl, might be hard to take seriously and they had only 3½ albums that were worth a goddamn and that includes the good stuff off The Spaghetti Incident? and both Use Your Illusion platters and that it was all 25 fucking years ago.

…but AC/DC, in the 43 years it’s continually existed, has only 2½ albums worthanywhile, now comprises exactly one original member, and its most recent music to be even remotely taken seriously was more than 30 fucking years ago… and, and!, 1¼ of those 2½ albums were largely the responsibility of a man who has been dead for 36 years.

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