Winter rain Friday –or– The public sex rulebook

Friday, 10 December 2004

Bus poetry. hotel off Pioneer Square Always alliterated anti-climatically. Blow me.

But really. No change, had to walk to get change. Sidewalk past offramp funnels one into a dark, urine soaked corridor not wide enough to entertain an umbrella. 100 feet of street lamp free no loitering signage between the Alaskan Way and the cyclone fence protecting the shipyard’s 0.5% inspected containers from political ad hominems punctuated radiologically.

But really! A blow job in that space?! Stinking so badly of the rain catalyzed piss of 150 different men that my R-complex sent my hand rooting for a firearm no longer inhabiting that pocket; missing for the permit is 13 months expired. Rolled up umbrella almost an arnis stick. Hold your breath and swim for it.

Walking past them, barely enough room to avoid brushing. Him looking up past me with a remarkably disinterested face. Somehow able to avoid eye contact even when my eyes break his line of vision. And him, on knees, bent further still b/c the customer wasn’t a tall man. Spaced face waiting for an order to be filled, or for the pleasure to drown the stench of competing pheromones.

Barely enough room to avoid brushing. What has happened to etiquette in this country?

Sex, especially public sex, really should have rules. The wife and I established the following and I beg you to consider them as well.

  • Not with the good silver.
  • Never in a graveyard; excepting Halloween.
  • In hotel and restaurant kitchens, use hairnets.
  • No sex in the same room as the Pope, even if he’s asleep.
  • Check the elevator timing before going for it.
  • Do a spot test with all new substances on a small patch of skin before the full application.
  • Know your state laws and their loopholes: e.g., most live animals are illegal.
  • 3 or 4 hours indoors is fantastic, 3 or 4 hours in the noon sun is a trip to the ER.
  • Keep the help out of it (unless they’re on the way out).
  • 115° is exciting, 150° is dangerous.
  • Don’t tell the cops you’d really prefer to finish up before talking with them further.
  • Organic fruit is healthier.
  • Someone has to watch the road; flip a coin if you have to.
  • If it can get lost, it will get lost. Tie a string or a 20lb test to it.

Now please try to enjoy yourself with a similar level of decorum.

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