QWA #7: how-to edition

Thursday, 3 March 2005

Queries from the Weblog Addressed Quick refresher: these are all questions from visitors recorded in the query logs for this site. We take the time to answer them as a service to our loyal readers.

How to look white.
Two simple steps to success:
  1. Shop for your new suit at Ross.
  2. Break off a broom handle in your ass.
how to do 70wpm
Have Tilly Martinez, in her see-through blouses and black Rayon painted-on pants, as your typing teacher. Got me to 90wpm.
How to destroy yourself without suicide.
Watch “Super Size Me” for a guide to the fast track.
How to fight the Devil.
Guess again, pipsqueak. The Bible is pretty clear that only God can do anything about Old Scratch. I’m sure God will be just as prompt in addressing your prayers for help in this matter as He is in all others.
How to find a whore.
Two guys asked me this in person one night in Taos. My two friends had to physically stop me from giving them directions up Quesnel to you-know-whose place.
How to find an ex boyfriend.
Have you looked out the window when you’re getting out of the shower?
How to find the lowest common denominator.
Attend any meeting, rally, or group event. Look for the person who does the most talking.
how to be a religious actor
You’ll be a natural, kid! You’re already fantastic at pretending things that can’t be seen are real.
How to do a rim job.
It’s not wise to do it yourself. Try Maaco or Midas. Or any city park’s public restroom after dark.
How to get over a Pisces bastard.
Pull your Gemini head out of your ass, quit whining, and have a meaningless fling with a hot Aries.
how to write a letter on how wonderful a place is
Do not talk with locals. Stay drunk or high throughout the letter.
How to plan an Australian vacation for dummies.
For dummies? Okay. Put these on the to-do list: taipan, blue ring, salties, and funnel web spiders.
How to right your suicide note.
Turn it so the writing is facing up.
How to trust an addict.
From two or three time zones away is a good start.
How to write a letter when angry.
You’re not smart enough to do it. You never have been. Even when you were younger, your mom and I would talk about it when you weren’t around. We all did. If you had any guts you’d have made something out of yourself by now. Remember those dreams you had when you were a teenager? How are they coming along so far?
Now, just let it flow naturally: daily@sedition.com.
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