QWA #8: the sex counselor edition

Thursday, 31 March 2005

Marriage of Earth and Water Time for the eighth installment of Queries from the Weblog Addressed. Each and every query came from the Sedition·com weblogs. We take the time to answer them as a service to our loyal fan base. We appreciate each and every one of you and fervently hope that your number remains small enough to keep track of with one hand, so to speak.

% chance of contracting chlamydia from cunnilingus
Ewwwww… You’re playing the odds on it? Isn’t the taste of the discharge bad enough to give it a blanket veto, as it were?
bush fucks chickens
Now if we can only get him to do the honorable thing when Laura catches him on the job.
my mom fucked me
Quit bragging. Your mom fucked everyone here.
how to tell your parents you’re gay
Mom, Dad– I have something extremely important I want to talk about. Please let me say it before you say anything. First, there’s nothing wrong and this has nothing to do with you or how you raised me. Mom, I know you always thought I’d marry a nice girl and bring you lots of grandchildren but it’s time I tell you it’s not going to happen. I’ll never have the kind of family you hoped I would. I think I can explain best by telling you my ideal date. It would be someone who asked me out first. We’d go to a light but romantic lunch and split some salmon almondine crepes with California wine. Then see an early Mariners game. Cheer like crazy. Have a latté at Tully’s and walk around downtown, visiting galleries, and talking about all the places we’d like to go. Maybe hold hands and steal a kiss if I’m not feeling too shy. Then when it’s getting a little late and it’s time to say goodnight, I would climb right down and suck the everfucking life out of his cock.
About the vagina.

You really want a different preposition here for any serious understanding. I suggest adding a possessive pronoun and a transitive verb clause as well.
afraid to have sex
You should be. It can kill you or wreck your life even if you only try it once. Don’t be a stupid head. Use condoms and make sure you’re using them right. Don’t do it on the first date; and not because your mom would be upset but because you don’t know the first thing for sure about someone you’ve only seen personally in one situation one time. Stalker, married, herpes, violent streak, serial date rapist, coke addict, Oprah fan. Wait till you know for sure to open your most secret places.
Bitches sucking dick
Your grandmothers might share their daguerreotypes if you ask nicely.
Ann Landers’ checklist for cheating spouse
Forget her. Flip a coin. A little more than half of spouses cheat. There are no perfect signs. A husband who is showering you with affection, for example, might be doing so b/c poking his secretary’s 22 year-old friend in her screaming, tight little ass has renewed his vigor and love for life and allowed him to forget the oppressive, sexless grind in which you’ve incarcerated him.
bat feces aphrodisiac
Oh, absolutely. You simply must also try squirrel pee, cat diarrhea, and the hair clogs you fish out of the shower drain. Makes that 36-hour Cialis® boner look like a matchstick, my man.
batman jacking off
Would you settle for Batneil?
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