Cougars & wolves versus your fucktarded irrational insistence to never see the answers

Sunday, 1 May 2005

Trophic cascadeThere has been a bit of a stir lately over cougars returning in numbers to the American wilderness.

This point is entirely political. It’s going to seem very much like I’m talking about a wildlife management issue but I’m not. Don’t fail. I really am not sure why I’m still trying to help you get out from under that elephantine cache of detritus and feces your parents tried to bury you in but I am.

Cougar counts are up. Cougar attacks are up. Cougars are killing people like they haven’t since we started keeping track 100 years ago. Why it’s a veritable slaughter out there! I’m terrified to go outside. Aren’t you? Do you have any idea how many have died!?

20 or so. Confirmed. No, not this year. Not this decade. The last century. In 100 years only 20 people were killed by cougars for sure. Vitamins have killed 20 times more people than cougars. Lightning? Any guesses? It’s only 400 times more at around 8,000 dead.

Deer on the other hand: Oh, how cute. Cuddly. Bambi!

Those things are inertia bombs offering almost daily taste tests of tempered glass. How many years do we have to go back to equal the deaths cougars have caused? None. They’ve killed 20 people already this year. Did I say 20? I meant 50. Bam! I mean, 51.

Deer kill well over 100 Americans every year and the number has been rising steadily. Do you know why the number has been going up? Think hard. You can do it.

There are 25,000,000 white-tail deer in the North East. There are supposed to be 500,0001; that’s 2% of 25 million. If you compared it to a weight problem, that would be like weighing 7,500 pounds. That’s how fucking upsidedown the ecosystem is.

Twenty-five million 300 pound sacks of bone and meat just waiting to grand jete through your SUV windshield. Additionally, the forests can’t grow back because legions of starving deer eat everything short enough to get at. Diseases and deer parasites like ticks are rampant and spill over into human populations.

If you weren’t such cowards and were willing to accept that cougars are going to get someone now and then—with education it would be no more than it is already—we’d save maybe 100 lives a year. That makes 10,000 when my great-great-granddaughter sits down to write about it all to your dimwitted descendants. The ones who didn’t eat venison tartare avec le verre on I-40 one night.

Oh, did we forget to talk about wolves. That’s because there isn’t a confirmed fatal wolf attack in North America in 110 years. You chicken-shit bastards sure raise some baby eating Pit Bulls though, don’t you. They’ve killed almost 100 people since Reagan did one of the only sane things the codger managed when he signed a ban on cougar hunting in California in 1971.

Dead cougars
1Numbers from a recent issue of Harper’s I’ve misplaced; I apologize and will correct this annotation one of these days.

Update to Cougars & wolves.

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