Randy Newman is an idiot

Saturday, 14 May 2005

The AP reports tonight: Ten sheriff’s deputies who fired 120 rounds at an unarmed driver at the end of a chase in a quiet neighborhood appeared with a lawyer who apologized to residents on their behalf, but said the officers had acted to capture a suspect who “deserved and needed to be stopped.”

The suspect Hayes, who is not dead, was hit 4 times. Another deputy was hit once in his armor. Residential dwellings were hit.

Hayes, who has not been charged with a damn thing, was unarmed. He did flee when the cops tried to pull him over. That’s his crime: not pulling over.

Watch some junior high math in action.

The standard issue sidearm for most cops today is a 9mm or 40cal semi-auto—safe to say y’all had one or t’other—probably with 15 and 12 round clips respectively. So you guys, 10 of you, all but emptied your weapons from short range. 120 shots, in 18 seconds, in a residential neighborhood. One suspect boxed in by your cars with nowhere to go. One guy. Ten of you.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Houses, windows, people going about regular daily life in Compton. Yeah, Compton, motherfucker. You already knew it was because no cop is ever going to empty a clip in Beverly Hills at an unarmed man. Ever.

Aside from everything else, there is empirical proof that these half-wit tools shouldn’t even be trusted at a Mickey D’s fry cooker. I don’t have to bring up race relations, history, corruption, or the problems with American police. We just need the fraction: 4/120.

That’s 3%. LA deputies can only hit a target 3% of the time while almost 1% of the time they shoot another deputy instead. That’s like a secretary who types 10wpm and swears at clients, or a janitor who craps in his mop bucket. It’s beyond incompetent. It’s well into the Venn of black comedy, and not the kind featuring Chris Rock.

But they did apologize. Not for shooting, but for some houses that got shot. They were sorry that had to happen. Way to take responsibility, guys. Everything’s gonna be okay in LA this Summer.

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