10 things I have learned from George Lucas

I bought the DVD for Star Wars III because A) it was $14.99 and two tickets for the “film” would have been $18.46, B) I was misled by a Target® clerk as to the details of deleted scenes included in the DVD. (Note to those concerned who have not seen the DVD, the birth scene contains no details of Naboo bikini-area hair styles nor close-ups of of Luke and Leia crowning from Natalie Portman’s midichlorian-swollen birth canal — complete disappointment on all fronts.)

So, that’s it. The circle is complete. Well, except that originally there were going to be 9 movies and then there were only going to be 3 and now there are only going to be 6. But it seems like the story is all told; until Lucas decides it’s time to edit out the blasters and replace them with flashlights.

I did learn some things from the entire series however and I share them with you, my seditious diaspora.

#1

Storm Trooper armor is purely cosmetic as it stops neither blaster fire nor little rocks thrown by teddy bears.

#2

Slaughtering children doesn’t necessarily make you an unappealing hero to children as long as you call the butchered kids, “younglings.”

#3

Not all Jedi are gay.

#4

A beautiful idea about an interconnected, tangible magic, created by life, which rewards the virtuous can be completely shit on just by saying, “Microbes.”

#5

Jedis never scream when they fall from high places. Yes they do. No they don’t.

#6

Digitally generated slapstick can only improve the dramatic tension of a scene.

#7

R2D2 can fly when he battles robots but not when he battles swamp creatures.

#8

Maybe Samuel L Jackson has been in enough movies.

#9

The laws of physics don’t apply to jumping Wookies.

#10

The cost and time to get a Death Star fully operational is inversely proportionate to its size. A small one takes about 19 years. A gigantic one takes about 9 months.