Scott Adams’s mother, Part 1

Monday, 21 November 2005

Dilbert's Mother. With the bulletin boards, blogs, and now even the mainstream media flooded with the raging and increasingly acrimonious debate I think it’s time we at Sedition·com stepped up to discuss the shortcomings of both camps.

Let me start by saying “to me.” This is just to me, okay? I don’t have to even attempt to find the truth here. I know what I think and you can’t. So everything I say that follows to me is completely accurate because I’m just describing my own opinions. There, I win. No tag backs.

To me, the easiest imaginable way to push someone’s buttons is to go after one’s mother. But no one seems to really understand this. Not those making disparaging remarks about others’ mothers and not those defending motherhood on principle. Those making the remarks don’t even seem concerned whether or not one’s mother literally “sits around the house.” Those defending the pure, unassailable virtue of motherhood seem oblivious to the oceans of evidence that some mothers are less than virtuous.

So when one side says that Scott Adams’s mother has ruled on more balls than a Wimbledon line judge, how am I supposed to know if it’s true?

Relax! I’m not saying that Scott Adams’s mother is really a whore. I’m just pointing out that she’s an easy target. Just like those who suggest that every mother will gargle spunk for a pocket-sized lithograph of Andrew Jackson.

Let me give you an example. When I was a corporate lackey I handled a project that spanned four countries and came in about $243,000 under budget. During that time I had the chance to speak ill of maybe 200 mothers in six different languages. But do you think the 36 hour work week stopped me? Déjà vu s’ils plaît, non!

His mom may not be a whore for all I know. She may not even be a slut. But I think you’ll agree that there is no way she’s a virgin. So, anyone who claims she’s not addicted to bone needs to offer clear proof against this damaging fact.

Maybe there is proof she’s a whore. T’would be pity. Maybe she’s a saint just because she gave birth as the other camp asserts. I have yet to hear anything irrefutable about it.

The point is: evidence notwithstanding, neither side is credible. And it shouldn’t be my job to make an informed judgement about it. Someone should convince me. Mr Scott Adams himself seems to have tremendous portions of free time on his hands.

I’d be surprised if his mom is a whore. But if you think it’s impossible, you should share what you’ve been smoking.

Background material: Intelligent Design, Part 1 (Scott seems to have permanently removed this piece) and Scott Adams is a Wally.

Afterword

Someone recently asked my tarot reader, ePZotomy Myers, to tone it down. Saying that getting medieval on those who try to keep us in medieval circumstances isn’t productive and turns off more than it converts.

I actually agree. The same thing has happened in American politics. That said, it’s not my responsibility, nor anyone else’s, to make you think for yourself. Just yours. I don’t care if you agree with me or whether you ever understand that C14 decays at a predictable rate. I’m doing this to amuse myself, and one hopes a few others, not to win anything.

If you’re saying, “Gee, Ash, that’s really uncool to go after his mom even if that cartoon is pretty fucking funny.” I reply: Whether or not Scott Adams’s mom gives head for a rock of cocaine is entirely irrelevant to the rest of the world. Whether or not we have solid grounding of rationality and science in our kids’ heads is the only difference between today and, oh, say, the year 1250.

Calling someone’s mom a whore for rhetorical purposes just makes me an asshole. Saying that Science needs to pablumize university level ideas to 3rd grade comprehension or else it simply will not be accepted is ignorant, brutal, ugly, and evil.

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