The most superlative page in this arm of the local galactic spiral

Sunday, 26 February 2006

Oh, my God.

I just lost my job because I blogged about it. But I got a book deal because I’m so good at imagining things. Things like other people’s ideas but with extra boobs and blood! Bonnie Hammer approved! Retarded blogger fumbles zoology facts, daily life

Here’re some cute baby porcupines. Hedgehogs? Whatever. They’re cyoooot! Just look at their little red noses!!!

Did you know that the browser you’re using right now has 15 new security problems!? I sure didn’t. Good thing I found out and warned you.

What’s in the news today? It looks like those nasty Republicans running the government are being evil again. Oh, boy, George. Oh, I made a pun in the midst of a staggering political insight!

Speaking of insta-has-beens, I had so much chubby-girl sex with a Carrie Underwood lookalike in the back of a Camero this weekend that I think I’ll have to type the words “cock,” “pussy,” and “how to be a porn star on a hand-held budget.” Can’t touch this!

You know what they say. You can’t be too blunt.

I thought they meant you can’t be too blunt. Can’t be too blunt?

Initiative! I take out my +3 Mace of Shattering Illusion™ and swing away like I actually found Signs to be enjoyable.

Soap Operas Your Blog1
Daily “visits” 9 million fewer
Quality Arc planar tail of bell-curve
Advertisements Every 15 minutes Every 15 pixels
Raison d’être a damper on the loneliness and tedium of middle-age via plot oscillation a damper on the lack and tedium of oneself via empathetic banality and echo chamber op-ed

Oh, all right. Glass houses and all. The above is redundant and less well put than an excerpt from my latest romance novel.

Me: You mean that to become popular I have to write something every day whether or not it’s good or has a point?

My Editor: Yes.

Me: You know I’ve already got more than 3,000 fucking pages of original content online right?

My Editor: Oh, dear. Right there is part of what’s holding you back. It’s the swearing. It alienates a certain demographic.

Me: Yeah, which demographic?

My Editor: Let’s see… gays and unmarried women over 32.

Me: How does misogyny and homophobia play?

My Editor: Let’s see… pretty well. Top sellers actually.

Me: Even to gays and unmarried women over 32?

My Editor: The numbers don’t lie.

1 Will he…? Will he…?

You know, if all of the sudden one got a readership of tens of thousands a day, one might actually want to improve the quality of what one habitually pours out in the trough.

This one might anyway.
digg stumbleupon reddit Fark Technorati Faves