Study: US mothers deserve a Boy Scout’s assistance with their gonads

Tuesday, 23 May 2006

Your Mother

Sorry this wasn’t ready for Mother’s Day. I’ve been busy… uh… with important things. Like the Mercenaries mini-game in Resident Evil 4.

Reuters lately reported as news a marketing gimmick from salary-dot-com—and plenty of normally sober men with nice wives picked it up—detailing the imagination-time earning power of the average US mother. [Ed: note to Canadian moms, the dollar figures are in money, not in snow pesos.]

Me: You did not.

Myself: What do you want? Jody’s got a sense of humor.

Me: You went after his old lady, man.

Myself: Hey! I’m not the one implying the hen is past her spring. Besides. Where do you get off bringing this here? But I guess it’s not like you’re doing a lot of writing on the old log, huh?

Me: You know, we’ve got real health insurance now and I’ll bet a good therapist could clear you right up.

Myself: Ha! Sign us up. We’ll see who’s still here when the dust settles.

So, U.S. mothers are apparently worth $134,121 in salary.

To reach the projected pay figures, the survey calculated the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother’s role — housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive and psychologist.

Okay. See, I’m at the playground, or the store, or the park, or the aquarium, or the zoo, or the kid’s museum almost every day. I know how well these moms are doing their “jobs.”

Housekeeper. You mean put dishes in the machine and wipe up? Run a vacuum around now and then? Turn a washing machine on and move a load two feet to the dryer? Maybe you’ve been in a cave and the whole illegal immigrant thing hasn’t reached you but that labor is worth minimum wage without benefits. So that’s 2 hours a day—tops!—by $5.00 an hour. $80 a week.

Already up to $5,000 a year. See! Finishing high-school was totally worth it.

Day-care teacher. You mean turn on Nick Jr? Buy another cartridge for the V-tech? Teacher… teacher…? Aren’t American kids the ones who can’t find Mexico and Canada on a map? Isn’t this the country where barely 13% of children understand that all animals, including humans, arrived in their present form via evolution?

Cook. Happy meals, snacks with 35 grams of sugar a serving, and ice cream for 1 year-olds? 15% of American kids are overweight. I ate at most all my friends’ houses and none of them is in the Michelin Guide because they don’t give fractions of a star. Mulligan’s Stew is just not served.

Computer operator! I worked in a technology company’s customer service email and call center. A computer operator is someone who doesn’t need help with a computer. A typist you’re trying to replace before she can do any more damage is your mom.

Laundry machine operator. See “housekeeper.”

Janitor; ibid.

Facilities manager. Oh, lord. Well, at least I got a laugh out of the list. Moving the couch and changing a light bulb doesn’t make you qualified to run a “facility.”

Van driver. Yeah, that’s right. They actually didn’t make this job sound as hard as it really is what with putting on make-up and telephoning Oprah-friends while tailgating at 15 over the limit. Thank the Lord for air bags.

Chief executive. Well, when you consider luminaries like Kenneth Lay I suppose most moms are entirely qualified for this role. I wonder how much they increase the profit in the company each year. I heard your mom was bringing in like $100-$200 a night, one Jackson at a time.

Psychologist. Here’s a recent example overheard on the playground–

Girl of 5: Why did he do that?

Mom: Boys just do stuff like that, honey.

Malpractice insurance and perennial suits wipe out that portion of the income.

So, what’s a mom worth?

How about Andrea Yates or Susan Smith or any of the garden variety backwards twats I see hitting their kids in the mall parking lot every weekend?

We seem to talk a lot about fathers being poor parents. About this leading to problems in later life. We seem to forget that mothers are still the primary caregivers for children. We seem to forget that most every murderer, molester, petty thief, and even American president had a mother. A mother who had thousands of days to steer a child right.

How many children do you see on an even keel today? Making it to adulthood happy and prepared for life? Answer that and you’ll know how much mothers are worth.

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