This week in the news #2

Saturday, 3 June 2006

United States seen lagging on stem cell research

And that’s not the worst of it. We’re a full decade behind in falsifying stem cell research data.

Girls overtake boys as binge drinkers: study

Boys overtake girls passed out in the guest room: hump.

Prehistoric ecosystem found in Israeli cave

Doctor of biology Hanan Dimantman remarks, “Every species we examined had no eyes which means they lost their sight due to evolution.” Lack of vision turns out a well selected quality thereabouts.

Prince Albert says he’s father to girl, 14

Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Well, that was your first mistake. You should have him in a rubber.

US rejects North Korea invitation

Dog soup and spicy pickled cabbage cited in reluctance to participate in closed-door talks.

Anna Nicole Smith: “Yes, I am pregnant”

And in a first ever, the sonogram revealed the fetus pleading for a mercy abortion.

Me: Jesus!!

Myself: You say that an awful lot for an atheist. Issues much?

Me: Where in the Hell does that crap come from?

Myself: It’s called brinkmanship, man, and it’s what it takes to keep your seat in the game.

Me: …

Myself: You’re saying she didn’t ask for it? Doesn’t? Every moment she draws breath?

Me: Well, hold on now. No one’s saying that.

Michael Moore Sued by Iraq War Vet

Apparently someone led Sergeant Damon to believe that arms could be reattached at $42,000,000 apiece. Or perhaps that his suffering, being worth only a human oil change or two at the VA, is worth more in Hollywood bucks.

Women gaining on men in advanced fields

In a related set of data, women are nearly at parity for plagiarism and cribbed exam notes.

Study wants nuclear weapons outlawed

Great idea! Now we just need a couple of countries with the might to enforce such a restriction. If we only had some sort of ultimate consequence with which to threaten violators we’d be guaranteed complete compliance worldwide. Ah, the paradise of world peace always just an angstrom out of reach.

Study wants nuclear weapons outlawed (take 2)

Website wants anthropomorphized nouns taken out back and shot.

Man severs penis to prove faithfulness

Woman pulls out own eyes to show she can stay on a diet.

New Orleans levees repaired

Yay! Now the local officials can finally get back to redirecting those monies where they were going for the 20 years previous they were supposed to be spent fixing the levees: untraceable slush funds and kickbacks.

Vargas exit provokes debate, unease

Cohn pull-out garners skepticism, doubt.

Montreal jazz festival unveils lineup

Dictionary unveils definition of jazz invalidates festival lineup.

New technology probes ancient Greek manuscript

Web satirist probes “Greek” joke. Finds gag still holds its own. And that of its younger male companion.

What’s the emoticon for a rim-shot?

Oh!

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