This week in the news #4

Tuesday, 12 September 2006

Nebraska Baseball Game Lasts 30 Hours

Take that, cricket. Oh… you say cricket matches regularly go over 30 hours. …Um, take that, Princess Di.

Blair expected to set a date for exit

World expected to pretend to care for upwards of six months.

Bush says secret CIA jails “necessary and effective tools”

Stalin remarks via medium in Sedona séance: Atta boy!

BRODER: Media Owes Karl Rove an Apology

A present for Karl Rove POND: America Owes Karl Rove a Rope and a Footstool

Me: You can’t write that. Man, what are Julie and the kids gonna do when the SS comes for me? I’ll bet you’ll be pretty quiet when they do too.
Myself: Oh, relax.
Me: You just suggested hanging Karl Rove! You showed the implements you’ve got lined up for it.
Myself: Hey! Whoah! Stop right there. I did no such thing. I suggested making them a gift to Karl. I do believe he’s smart enough to work up some kind of solid knot on his own. He seems to have a gift for it.
Me: Puns won’t make the secret service guys laugh.
Myself: No, but say, weren’t you a Boy Scout, and a rafter…? I’ll bet you’ve got all kinds of knots you could show old Karl.
Me: Jesus… maybe Ken will represent me for free.

Austrian discusses years of captivity

Assures world there was some kind of mix-up as she is not a “Hebe.”

Feds may ease limit on painkillers

Sunday liquor sales in Washington? ’Bout fucking time.

The paradoxes of the Bush presidency

Pat M Holt, a former chief of staff of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, offers three of them.

1) Campaigning in 2000 GW said he would be very careful about using America’s military for nation building. After Autumn of 2001, he was pretty whole hog about it.

2) To spread democracy abroad GW is doing things like suspending it at home.

3) To further national security GW is adopting fictional presidential powers not given by any laws of the United States of America.

Okay, Pat, you used to work in government so I’m sure you’re a little slow. Still…

Those are not paradoxes. They’re lies and contradictions. There is no such thing as a paradox in the real world excepting perhaps in the hemp-addled minds of philosophy students at MIT half-way to emigrating to Cuba if it’ll get them a pat on the back from the gnarled claw of the linguistics department chair.

No less than 9 of the last 10 US presidents were natural born liars who nudged the office higher and higher above the law every term they served.

I thought I had something funny to say about it. There’s another paradox for you.

Iraq deaths multiply in new August count

Associated Press writer Rawya Rageh reports:

Baghdad recorded more than 1,500 violent deaths in August … nearly three times the preliminary figure … released last week. The figure is a sharp contradiction of U.S. and Iraqi claims that a security crackdown led to a steep drop in deaths in the capital.

Um… Is this the part where I say, I told you so?

Ahmadinejad offers Bush debate at UN General Assembly

Bush counters with an offer of exile to neighboring Islamic nation before invading Iran. But that’s just something I made up. An American president would never do something like that.

NASA to decide when to launch shuttle

Plans to stop letting Mrs Neusbaum, the handsome astronaut’s mother, choose launch times based on her bridge club.

Bush to bin Laden: “America will find you”

America to Bush: “Give it a rest, sparky.”

When, at the next State of the Union address, you are able to produce his head from a tote bag bearing the presidential seal, you can crow all you want. Till then, shut your fumbling trap. You should take less time reminding us that the single corpse every American—red, blue, green, or polka-dots—agrees you should have been able deliver out of this mess is not only not dead but living the semi-retired high life in the hills of Pakistan.

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