This week in the news #5

Friday, 27 October 2006

Rumsfeld tells war critics to “back off”

Pauline Jelinek at the AP reports–

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Thursday that anyone demanding deadlines for progress in Iraq should “just back off,” because it is too difficult to predict when Iraqis will resume control of their country.

Too difficult? Donald, I know I vacillate between thinking you’re evil or just monumentally incompetent but I think I’m willing to commit today: You’re a fucking moron.

I can tell you with 92% certainty when Iraqis will resume control of their country: Never. Because when the American body count finally hits 10,000 in 2011 and everyone, even whoever is in office, is willing to concede it’s time to go, Iraq will fragment into two or three countries, hence there will no longer be an Iraq over which to gain control.

Take a mid-East history course, cretin. Better yet, ask your limey testicle warmers Blair and Co exactly how the modern borders got drawn over there to begin with.

Pope loses ring, faithful give it back

The ring keeps slipping off because it’s too big for him. I wonder how the shoes fit.

Blind Web surfers sue for accessibility

Fuck you, Chris Danielsen. Is that Section 508 compliant enough for you?

Though to be fair, the lawsuit against Target Corp, does bear some philosophical water. I can personally testify that the company which built their website doesn’t give a flying fuck about any customer demographic smaller than 50,000 or so and wouldn’t make any changes which decreased sighted customer click-through by the merest fraction of a percentage.

Oops! Spears names baby Jayden, not Sutton

What!?! Who the Hell cares? Let’s abstain from writing about the poor kid until he’s been arrested for methamphetamines for the first time in 11 years or so.

Tyson says he may fight against woman

It’s so great when you can manage to make money doing what you love.

Confession that formed base of Iraq war was acquired under torture: journalist

In other news–

Oh, GOD!!! Just stop!! Please, for the love of Christ! I’ll tell you anything you want. Ask me again about Osama bin Laden. I know I said I never met him. But you’re still torturing me so I know now that I was wrong. We’re best friends. Of course!

No, no, wait!!! Please. Uh, uh… …Iraq! Right!? You were asking about Iraq? He’s there all the time. No!? I mean his lieutenants are. Oh? Is that right? Thank God. I just really didn’t know what you wanted me to say. Just thank you for stopping. Thank you, Christ. God, thank you…

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