Recycled QWA: anal probe

Friday, 1 June 2007

anal probe

01 July 2005
Today a game review site quoted the DDX about aliens and anal probes. This got me to thinking. What could those aliens want up there? What’s to gain? Why all the effort and secrecy?

My first job was for a vet. My first sexual experience—I promise on the grave of Thomas Jefferson I got no gratification out of it—was jerking off a bull to obtain a semen sample.

How is this done, you in the Blue States ask? Well, one way is—believe it or not, it’s the least distasteful—a big rubberized phallus with electrodes on the sides is greased—well, glycerined—and shoved up the animal’s rectum.

electroejaculation gear

Current is passed through it rhythmically. This “stimulates” the prostate and friends. Given enough time and juice, so to speak, you get your Cup’o Steer Spunk™.

The bulls act like it hurts and they want to get away from it. Boy do they try to get away from it. You have to put them in metal stocks so they can’t move much or get leverage. They make those yelling cow sounds and strain to get out. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise—it’s damn difficult to hold that thing in there. But you know they really like it. Oh, yeah, they want it. Even when they act like they don’t.

I never knew what it was called before but I just looked it up. Now you know too: Electroejaculation. If you were wondering. Yes. It works on pretty much all mammals.

So if this bears out, why are extraterrestrials collecting man juice? Breeding? I should think it would be easier to steal babies or even zygotes. It occurs to me that human beings go to fantastic and bizarrely expensive lengths for another reason themselves. Think of bird nest soup, truffles, or caviar.

Maybe human semen is an intergalactic delicacy.

If true I think I would be the happiest person in the history of the Earth. Not because I’d stand a chance of being milked without a share in the exorbitant profit but because it would be so goddamn fucking funny it would put all the history of punchlines and comics to shame. I would still be giggling 60 years from now while the great-‌grandchildren were arguing about whether or not to pull the plug.

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Discussion

Comments


Jen

Re: Recycled QWA: anal probe

One of the google ads is promoting eBay's huge semen selection...

By Jen on 1 June 2007 · 20:31
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Ashley

Re: Recycled QWA: anal probe

That is so completely awesome it almost makes up for the spam that comes with it.

By Ashley on 1 June 2007 · 21:16
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