How I prevented a terrorist attack1 while you shrill tagalongs were gnashing and rending over footwashing stations

Monday, 21 May 2007

You may remember one of the glorious achievements of Dear Leader, George the Younger, in the capture of the brilliant, vicious, tenacious mastermind of the dirty bomb: one José Padilla.2 We caught him just before he could commit his dirty bombing barbarity. How close was it, you ask?

Well, David Johnston at the Times tells us (our emphasis)–

…Mr. Zubaydah dismissed Mr. Padilla as a maladroit extremist whose hope to construct a dirty bomb, using conventional explosives to disperse radioactive materials, was far-fetched. He told his questioners that Mr. Padilla was ignorant on the subject of nuclear physics and believed he could separate plutonium from nuclear material by rapidly swinging over his head a bucket filled with fissionable material. At a Secret Interrogation, Dispute Flared Over Tactics

So, there was never any danger. Why does this sound familiar my loyal pets? Because it’s the same bucket method I’ve been teaching the terrorists for two years now–

how to make heavy water nuclear bomb

This is actually a lot easier than the “scientists” let on.

In fact, the first part is so simple, you can make heavy water in your backyard if you’re relatively muscular. You need a heavy duty bucket with a handle; remember the water will be heavier in the end so don’t scrimp on a quality bucket! Fill it with regular municipal water from your garden hose. Take the bucket where you have plenty of room. Hold it at arm’s length and spin.

The centripetal force acts in concert with the centrifugal force at the Quantum level. If you can keep it up—2 minutes per CC of water—the water molecules rearrange and accrue the per mole weight increment usually equal to the cube root of Avogadro’s number.

Ah, but who am I telling this to? I’m sure you already know all about it. I probably sound like a moron trying to explain it.

Good luck with your bomb! Let us know how it works out. ;)

I even had an outside shot at averting the Virginia Tech shootings last month if Seung-Hui ya had read “Dear Angry:” in How to write a suicide note. Maybe now you’ll link to us. Or are you one of those self-centered egotists who only believe in charity for those who need it?

1 This is, strictly speaking, a fantasy. Padilla was arrested before the piece posted.

2 I write, “one,” because I do in fact know several, including the one who sucker punched me in the kidney from behind in gym class and went to the state pen for murder a couple years later.3 I’ll bet he was a closet Moslem.

3 This is, strictly speaking, untrue. His name was José Mondragon but like David Sedaris once said to stop me from crying, “When people ask me if I’m good in bed, I prefer to say that I am good enough.”4

4 I’ve never been in bed with David Sedaris. If he could introduce me to his sister, Amy, however… well, I’m actually already naked, just send her over. Tell her to wear the Jerri Blank make-up.

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Discussion

Comments


anne

Re: How I prevented a terrorist attack1 while you shrill tagalongs were gnashing and rending over footwashing …

..why are you doing a write up on moscow ...mackinnon ...piper boy ....

By anne on 21 May 2007 · 20:16
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anne

Re: How I prevented a terrorist attack1 while you shrill tagalongs were gnashing and rending over footwashing …

opsy ...wrong blogger ...

By anne on 21 May 2007 · 20:38
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William Shakesweasel

Re: How I prevented a terrorist attack1 while you shrill tagalongs were gnashing and rending over footwashing …

opys? dids't thou forget thine medication again....Or hast thou too many bloggers to stalk?

This is actually fun...Anne...any luck on the chainsaw?

By William Shakesweasel on 22 May 2007 · 12:47
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anne

Re: How I prevented a terrorist attack1 while you shrill tagalongs were gnashing and rending over footwashing …

shakes willy weasel .. i'm not a stalker ... where did you get that awful idea ..., i wouldn't go any where near a saw ..i'm very delicate ...

By anne on 22 May 2007 · 19:25
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William Shakesweasel

Re: How I prevented a terrorist attack1 while you shrill tagalongs were gnashing and rending over footwashing …

"..i'm very delicate ..." Are you referring to your mental state?

no posts=no comments

W.S.

By William Shakesweasel on 2 June 2007 · 22:38
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