Copy Queen Papers, part 3, appendix: Neil v. Korea

WHY SOUTH KOREA IS BETTER THAN NEIL

by ashley

korea is always nice to me

neil is often mean to me

korea is bigger than neil

neil is tiny compared to korea

in korea rice is not expensive

neil always charges for his rice

korea has over fifty million breasts

neil has no breasts (only pectoral muscles)

korea likes me for who i am

neil forces me into roles so i’m “good enough” for him

korea gives me a free home for speaking english

neil makes me pay rent and tells me to shut up

korea has lots of dragonflies

neil has none

in korea people act like they respect me

neil doesn’t act that way (even on my birthday)

korean children love me

neil, though childish, doesn’t even hug me or try to hold my hand

korea has lots of rice fields

neil has no fields of any kind

koreans all know some chinese

neil knows some too but his kung fu no good

koreans hate the japanese

neil likes the japanese (and this is really bad!)

korea has four distinct seasons

neil only has two

koreans give me rides in their cars and don’t talk to me

neil makes me talk in the car

korea could kick neil’s ass

neil could not beat up more than 5 koreans at once

koreans don’t talk at meals

neil talks, sometimes even yells, with his mouth full

koreans don’t get me in trouble with the police

that was a problem sometimes with neil

okay…

WHY NEIL IS BETTER THAN SOUTH KOREA

by ashley

korea smokes (there are trash fires everywhere)

neil is asthmatic and can’t smoke

whiskey costs sixty dollars for small bottles in korea

neil used to buy me whiskey for free
(though i think it was only because he liked there to be one person in the world who was meaner than he, which i am when i have all the whiskey i can drink in 24hrs)

koreans are beautiful but too reserved

neil, while not so beautiful, has no reservations at all

koreans laugh when they are embarrassed

neil laughs when others are embarrassed

koreans can’t hold their liquor

neil never spills a drop

koreans do not help me vandalize snobby new mexico restaurants

neil does

koreans do not spike mcdonald’s sodas with jack daniels

neil does (and he supersizes it)
(or was that me?)

korean accents are not funny when koreans speak

any asian accent is hysterical when neil is speaking with it

in korea i wash the dishes every day

in albuquerque i never had to because neil washed them once a week

though musical, koreans have terrible taste in music

though nasty, neil has good taste in music

neil has no north koreans with guns

south korea has many of these right now

korea doesn’t watch cartoons with me

neil not only watches them with me, he video tapes them for me

koreans never tip

at least neil leaves a penny