Copy Queen Papers, part 3, appendix: Neil v. Korea
WHY SOUTH KOREA IS BETTER THAN NEIL
by ashley
korea is always nice to me
neil is often mean to me
korea is bigger than neil
neil is tiny compared to korea
in korea rice is not expensive
neil always charges for his rice
korea has over fifty million breasts
neil has no breasts (only pectoral muscles)
korea likes me for who i am
neil forces me into roles so i’m “good enough” for him
korea gives me a free home for speaking english
neil makes me pay rent and tells me to shut up
korea has lots of dragonflies
neil has none
in korea people act like they respect me
neil doesn’t act that way (even on my birthday)
korean children love me
neil, though childish, doesn’t even hug me or try to hold my hand
korea has lots of rice fields
neil has no fields of any kind
koreans all know some chinese
neil knows some too but his kung fu no good
koreans hate the japanese
neil likes the japanese (and this is really bad!)
korea has four distinct seasons
neil only has two
koreans give me rides in their cars and don’t talk to me
neil makes me talk in the car
korea could kick neil’s ass
neil could not beat up more than 5 koreans at once
koreans don’t talk at meals
neil talks, sometimes even yells, with his mouth full
koreans don’t get me in trouble with the police
that was a problem sometimes with neil
okay…
WHY NEIL IS BETTER THAN SOUTH KOREA
by ashley
korea smokes (there are trash fires everywhere)
neil is asthmatic and can’t smoke
whiskey costs sixty dollars for small bottles in korea
neil used to buy me whiskey for free
(though i think it was only because he liked there to be one person in the world who was meaner than he, which i am when i have all the whiskey i can drink in 24hrs)
koreans are beautiful but too reserved
neil, while not so beautiful, has no reservations at all
koreans laugh when they are embarrassed
neil laughs when others are embarrassed
koreans can’t hold their liquor
neil never spills a drop
koreans do not help me vandalize snobby new mexico restaurants
neil does
koreans do not spike mcdonald’s sodas with jack daniels
neil does (and he supersizes it)
(or was that me?)
korean accents are not funny when koreans speak
any asian accent is hysterical when neil is speaking with it
in korea i wash the dishes every day
in albuquerque i never had to because neil washed them once a week
though musical, koreans have terrible taste in music
though nasty, neil has good taste in music
neil has no north koreans with guns
south korea has many of these right now
korea doesn’t watch cartoons with me
neil not only watches them with me, he video tapes them for me
koreans never tip
at least neil leaves a penny
