This week in the news #27

Friday, 8 June 2007

Teen finds 2.93-carat diamond along path

“I was kind of praying to God. I was saying, ‘I don’t care if it’s worth whatever it’s worth, I don’t care if it’s a tiny little sliver of something, I just want something,’” Ruhter said. “Ten minutes later, I just found it.” AP

Now that we know the Lord answers prayers, here we go–

Dear God, I don’t care if hurts however much it hurts. I don’t care if it’s a paper cut or something. I just want you to punish that girl for praying for material gain. Sedition·karma

US court rejects FCC broadcast decency limit

Republican FCC Chairman Kevin Martin angrily retorted that he found it “hard to believe that the New York court would tell American families that ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ are fine to say on broadcast television during the hours when children are most likely to be in the audience.

“If we can't restrict the use (of the two obscenities) during prime time, Hollywood will be able to say anything they want, whenever they want.”

Martha Graybow, Reuters

Dear Mr Martin,

Uh… That’s sort of the point. That anyone can say anything they want unless it causes a stampede to a narrow point of egress or something.

I also recommend you spend an afternoon with a pack of 10 year-olds in this the year 2007 of our Lord. I think that you’ll find if they aren’t petting, smoking, or killing small animals for amusement, they might just be cussing about as much as an average episode of Deadwood.

PS: You can’t protect people from words.

Democrats Lose Their Edge
Poll Shows Congressional Approval Ratings Have Returned to Pre-Election Levels

Ha-ha.

You conniving, two-faced bastards—and, excuse me, bitches—squandered the chance you had to do what most everyone wants—get the fuck out of Dodge. And that’s all anybody wanted. You could’ve raised taxes to a level that would embarrass the Swedes and the whole Dem party would have looked the other way, if you had just done that.

When the next presidential election is a coin-toss again and the next congressional seat map mixes a perfect shade of purple, you’ll know what you’re paid for. Now, if we can only get your supporters to see that you’re just one half of the same cup of poison.

Experts cast doubt on credibility of JFK terror plot

Experts? Jesus, just pick up the phone and call me!

You know what’s really scary? Not knowing what the fuck is going on. You know how you assure living in fear? Not knowing enough about anything to ever know what the fuck is going on.

You don’t need to know math and science to live every day. You just need to know it so you aren’t the ignorant kind of twitch who freaks out at dirty bombs and pipeline plots.

Hollywood has made you stupid. I’m gonna play savior for one paragraph.

Cops do not fire warning shots. Fights rarely last longer than 10 seconds. There are no good guys in war, just those who have some dirt and those who want some dirt. It takes hours or even days to die from a bullet in the gut. People don’t change. And gasoline—especially its cousin, jet fuel—needs to be vigorously mixed with air to explode.

Chinese challenge one-child policy

That is the best loop-hole I’ve ever heard of. They’re taking, or being surreptitiously fed by in-laws, fertility drugs so their one crack at squeezing out citizen #1,350,000,000 turns into a serial publication.

Hilary Swank kicks off global race for clean water

I always knew I liked her. This is one of the only real problems in the world today. This and karaoke.

First golden eagle for century born in Ireland

A pair of golden eagles have produced the first chick to be hatched in the Republic of Ireland in nearly a century after the species was hunted to extinction in the country. Jonathan Saul, Reuters

No snarkiness. This is just nice. You really would be amazed to see how fast an ecosystem will spring back when you take your boot off its neck.

NASA looks to private sector to help it go lunar

This entry from the I-told-you-so-two-years-ago files—Faulty Fuel Gauge Delays Shuttle Launch.

Hilton Released From Jail For $$$$$ Medical Reasons

Yes, yes, yes. Injustice. Money. Rich and white. LA. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I think this is the best news story of the year so far for one reason: it has made it much harder to pretend pride in America.

It’s also important to halt the examination of this broke-down, over the hill debutante for a moment to turn the spotlight around on the three people who made her what she is. Richard and Kathy Hilton—parents of the year—and you, the viewer of her show, her home-brew porn, and whatever else I’ve never seen but am forced to be aware of via your agency.

Vermont Secession Movement Gains Traction

Here is where we beg the audience to consider that Abraham Lincoln was one of the worst monsters who ever clawed his way into the history books over a stack of corpses as high as the Blue Ridge Mountains. You can’t kill someone just because they don’t want to be in your family anymore. If they’re wrong, they’ll come back begging. If they’re right… well, you go on waiting. I’m sure it’ll turn out they’re wrong before you die and don’t have a chance to apologize.

Boy, 11, bags hog bigger than “Hogzilla”

While we are advocates of one-shot, one-kill you must admire the tenacity to chase a half-ton hog through the brush for hours. Though upon finding the monster hog was in fact a tame pet pig and the hours in the brush were several times around a fenced yard, the heroic nature of this intrepid lad’s service to mankind diminishes somewhat. Still, who are we to question? Everyone knows that shooting a panther on a chain is every bit as exhilarating as fucking a classmate, limp with Coors Light and Rohypnol®.

One other thing does come to mind seeing the young man over his prize. The boy should probably take up a sport which does not involve taking home 800 pounds of sausage at the end of a successful event.

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Discussion

Comments


Jen

Re: This week in the news #27

Man... imagine if every state split off and the united states became 50 separate countries... I think that'd be quite nice.

I remember when that United States of Canada gif was floating all over the interwebs... and I was kinda sad looking at it because I so wanted it to be true...

By Jen on 8 June 2007 · 12:02
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Ashley

Re: This week in the news #27

Completely agree. That was sort of the whole point of Federalism; states were basically their own countries who had just agreed to honor each other’s laws, more or less, to use a common set of individual rights, and a common resource for extra-national and cross-border disputes.

And I think that a single state might have a chance of seceding; Americans at large wouldn’t tolerate a blood bath over it while they probably would if the whole west coast wanted to say goodbye. And if one made it out, it would only be a matter of twenty years before about 10 more joined it. Might actually save the country from where it’s headed in another few generations. DC would be a lot less interested in wars if they only had the taxes from Ohio, Kansas, and half the Southeast to fund them.

By Ashley on 8 June 2007 · 13:08
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Ashley

Re: This week in the news #27

Also should have mentioned: freestateproject.org. I keep meaning to write something about them.

By Ashley on 8 June 2007 · 13:24
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Vagrant

Re: This week in the news #27

That decentralizing devolution wouldn't be a bad thing. I often think we're captives in a sick game of state to state and culture to culture prisoner's dilemma, which makes the warmongering ways of the solipsistic center easy to carry off.

By Vagrant on 8 June 2007 · 18:07
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Ashley

Re: This week in the news #27

Nice. Prisoner’s dilemma especially. Time to defect and then cooperate, which just happens to be the best outcome when the game is analyzed.

By Ashley on 8 June 2007 · 18:42
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