You can prove to me that you exist, God

Saturday, 22 December 2007

I know that I have been down on religion and just yesterday posted something so blasphemous as to render the pronunciation of “e” in “blasphemous” long in all speakers. But I’m ready to be shown the way. I’m ready to open my heart.

If either of the following happen, I will convert full on to pan-Christianity and visit a new church every weekend, and eat hosannas for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I will travel the world spreading the Good News. I will make sure the Amazon Indians all have prayer books and shirts to cover their shame.

I apologize for the specificity of the prayers but certainty is paramount. This must be beyond doubt and coincidence.

I pray that you, God, will–

Kill every single member of Congress, the Bush family, and Nancy Reagan. I know, I know. You’ll kill them all eventually but for this prayer to be answered, I insist it be during a 1 hour period on January 31st, 2008. I’m not picky about the hour. I gave you a full month in case you have things to take care of first.

I pray that you, God, will–

Place a gold Krugerrand—a full one, please, but a half would do, I’m not greedy—in my rectum every morning for the rest of my life. I hate to request this special placement but I don’t want some tricky Bishop leaving the coins under my welcome mat or something.

Either will certainly be irrefutable proof of your existence though I must admit both would be a little more convincing than just one or the other. In any case, I eagerly await your confirmation!

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