This [4th of July] in the news #30

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Al Gore III

Al Gore’s son arrested on drug suspicion

Al Gore III… my, my, my. My favorite of Tipper’s loin fruit. 100 mph carrying a dime bag, some Xanax, Valium, Vicodin, and Adderall.

Drug War’s on the other foot now, eh, Al? Ah, don’t worry buddy. The drug laws are tailored for putting n…, uh, blacks, away. Rich white kids skate the first three or four offenses up to a couple kilos of coke. This is only his second drug arrest, right?

If only Tipper could have got warning labels retroactively placed on track one of Master of Reality this never would have happened. We all know it’s rock and roll that raises kids. Never shitty parents.

Chinese villagers eat dinosaur bones

The story is actually about the healing power of eating rocks. There is a more common aspect of Chinese medicine (disclaimer: it almost killed me overseas so maybe I have a little bias) we should discuss.

I met a kid in Singapore who was on some sort of Chinese prescription and he remarked after reading the chock-full-o’-penis-goodness ingredients–

After taking one I feel like I’ve just given the zoo a blow job.

Traditional Chinese culture is retarded, backwards, destructive, and sexist. Eating rare sea-horses and tiger cocks won’t made you hard, you limp dicked morons.

Emma Watson’s navel won something apparently

Actress Emma Watson arrives at the European Premiere of her new film

I can’t do a send-up of Go Fug Yourself because it is itself a recursive parody. Making it seem absurd would be like putting Groucho glasses on Groucho… say, where is he buried? Wait, wait, don’t distract me like that.

I just want to say two things about this photo of Emma Watson.

  1. She’s barely 17.
  2. Her lower half has apparently taken first prize at the county fair.

Tom Paine’s 4th of July Advice for Congress

This was an op-ed piece at The Nation by John Nichols. Not my Señor Nichols sadly but another.

He makes some moronic puns about King George and George W. And makes some moronic jumps which I hadn’t noticed much before I started drinking the IOZ flavored beverage.

I can clarify Paine a bit for you because I have something in common with him. [That’s how you do a pun, John.]

Paine would not have one fucking thing to say to Congress because they are the tyrants along with Bush. Paine’s advice was, and would be, for the residents of this continent [Ed: this isn’t true exactly, he wanted freedom and reason for the world, North America was just the first field he worked]. And his advice, and Jefferson’s too, was: hate tyranny, be prepared to get bloody for it if you don’t wanna take the yoke.

Honestly. Either shut up and enjoy the slow motion abattoir you’ve built or consider what Paine’s optimism really meant. His intimations of American exceptionalism had nothing to do with America and everything to do with freedom. While there is American aggression abroad and the suspension of individual rights at home, America is neither free nor exceptional.

Paine’s advice might paraphrase today as–

You’re killing the wrong people in the name of freedom.

Me: Oh, fuck me.

Myself: First Amendment, brother.

Me: It doesn’t protect that!

Myself: That’s okay. I didn’t say it. Paine and Jefferson and Washington and all those old boys that all those old boys claim to love did. Let’s see ’em dig them up and try them for terrorism. Check it–

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure. Thomas Jefferson
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Discussion

Comments


Vagrant

Re: This [4th of July] in the news #30

I'm a bit too fat and wheezy to be a patriot, and I like people too much to be a tyrant, but I bet I could take out Al III lickety split.

By Vagrant on 4 July 2007 · 17:31
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Ashley

Re: This [4th of July] in the news #30

Don’t be modest. You’re a patriot. I’ll pencil you in for blood donation in 2013. It’s the only ecologically friendly course. Jefferson advises us of the dangerous drought threatening the tree.

If for some reason you are unable to donate (new tattoo, transfusion in South Africa, whatnot), I will expect you make sure my own cup crosses the finish line full enough to soak the ground.

[PS: IOZ, I did not make the joke myself wanted to make. I didn’t do it for you. I just couldn’t stand a dressing down, so to speak, from A. Silber.]

By Ashley on 4 July 2007 · 18:35
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Vagrant

Re: This [4th of July] in the news #30

Outside one exceptional year, Tom Paine never got mentioned much when I was a schoolboy. Too anarchistic and too eloquent, I thought after reading his works, for the comfort of the brain cops. There were many passing references to Common Sense, but only related in terms of how others received it. Years later, I figured out that it wasn't his ideas themselves that set off the alarms. It was the process of thinking things out from scratch that disturbed the brain cops. You can see a lot of that in the humanities academic bloggers. They're very keen on inquiries into states of mind, identity and producing works that are plausibly defensible, but they hew to quibbles over received wisdom, even as received wisdom marches steadily towards the authoritarian right.

By Vagrant on 5 July 2007 · 06:13
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