Sedition·com predictions for 2007

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Four Horsemen of the Bustling Market for Fearmongering

Can’t be the only ones not showing how disconnected we become from reality when measured objectively over a year instead of daily by our moms and female friends.

Death in 2007

American citizens will murder more Americans than foreigners will. The spread is America -17,211.

Motorcycle and car accidents will kill more Americans than terrorists will. The spread is Detroit/Tokyo-Yokohama -44,734.

Falls at home (stairs, shower, ladders, &c) will kill exactly 9.1 times the amount of Americans as combat in Iraq will. We consider being within 2%—or 30 deaths—the precision of this prediction.

Insects will kill more Americans than terrorist acts on America soil. No spread. It could actually be close. Insects get about 7 Americans a year. [Personally I’d rather go in a book store bombing than under the pokers of a few thousand yellow jackets.]

Internet & Technology in 2007

The air in the tires of Moore’s Law is good until at least December 31st, 2007.

The Internet will continue to increase in suckiness as ever more first time users, self-described “pwn3rs,” flood the web with their insightful, original, spell checked theses on what it means to be teenagers in love fighting a world that so totally like doesn’t even get what any of this is all about.

IE will have unpatched security problems for 287 days of the year, narrowly beating the 284 days of 2006.

Politics

Presdient Bush will see his lame duck term through the Kübler-Ross model. Quickly proceeding to stage three, he will teeter on the edge of the fourth stage for most of the year and by the time he’s packing up his Oval Office goody baskets regress completely back to stage two.

No one in Congress will spontaneously combust, proving once and for all there is no God, or, at the very least, that He is indifferent to the petition of prayer.

Iraq

The Democrats will save us. Fix Iraq. Restore America in the eyes of the world. Heal our internal divisiveness. Bring honesty and accountability back to government. This will happen exclusively in the pages of Daily Kos but it will be every bit as funny as most of what The Onion has done in the last couple years.

Hollywood & celebrity

Nicole Ritchie will die of “stress” and “heat exhaustion.” Mainstream media will be legally restrained from putting it in quotation marks.

Everyone will get divorced and split up except Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie; their relationship will last until late 2008 when both their schedules finally allow them to spend serious time together and they realize that, outside of the bedroom, they hate each other.

Underwear will make a comeback.

A popular comic will be sued for responding to an overweight, under-achiever, balding, gay, black, unemployed heckler with an illegal immigrant fiancé. Hillary Clinton and Joseph Lieberman will sponsor a bill that makes it a hate speech crime for comics to tell jokes directly to people.

Fads & culture

Skinny will be the new fat. Phat will be the new stupid. Stupid will be the new dope and dope will be the new sick. Sick will be the new ill and illiterate will be the new hurdle to entrance exams. Expect a steep rise in the price of pre-written student essays.

Yelling, or typing, “Pwnd!” will not catch on among African Americans. It will become a source of discomfort and embarrassment concerning their white, suburban friends.

Eschatology

Fires, earthquakes, storms, floods, famine, disease and other disasters will continue at completely normal historical levels. The world will somehow manage not to end.

While the world will not end, a prominent Christian televangelist will. We’re not dropping any names. We can’t. We’re contractually bound not to.

New York

There will still be a hole in the ground where there should be a soaring monument to endurance, indomitable spirit, and human achievement.

Some crazy twat who just moved up there will say she’s going to be President. In doing so, 2008 will see her boost more dregs of the GOP up into the chair.

Sedition·com in 2007

Revenue will continue to come like guano—in small unappetizing dribbles.

No staff suicides this year. [Keep your fingers crossed!]

Every piece published will be better than the one before it, and the first one will be the best.

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Discussion

Comments


Jen

Re: Sedition·com predictions for 2007

Great writing. Thanks for making me laugh. :)

By Jen on 10 January 2007 · 18:47
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Ashley

Re: Sedition·com predictions for 2007

Thanks.

For every prediction that doesn’t come true I will personally eat a package of Oreos.

By Ashley on 10 January 2007 · 22:01
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