Take it in the ear like a man
Can’t we just let bylines be bylines

Friday, 20 July 2007

By Barnaby Redacted, Señor Music Editor

All right I caught up a bit tonight — went back as far as the Thomas Paine bit.

Let me enjoy some highlights with you.

“Cartel embarrasses me because each band or artist I have called awful, from Ottmar Liebert to The Pixies, is so much better it’s as if music reviews now need to be prefaced with a 2 volume definition of music.” That’s it, work the body — get underneath that flimsy jab and close the distance —

“Bands like Cartel who can play a set without screwing up seem as proud as a 2 year old on the toilet” — okay, you’ve got ’em on the ropes — only they don’t know they’ve had it yet — finish it finish it!

“They have the brass monkey to insinuate that they could be a great band, blazing trails unknown to the industry since Syd Barrett’s solo career” — All right! Way to throw in a fancy, esoteric move for showmanship —

But to take it back a step, and perhaps critique your critique in a small way, I have a dangerous counter to this claim: “Cartel is one of the most forgettable bands musically I’ve ever heard.”

Okay, safe use of “one of the most,” but still, I have a band name to bounce off of you. I wouldn’t dare make any actual suggestions about future articles, I’m just throwing it out there; scared almost to set this in motion, in case you’ve somehow managed not to hear of them —

Modest Mouse.

What is done is done.

So mote it be.

(Hint— in case you do go ahead with an article, you might find use of the following flurry: “There is no plausible way to over-rate these musical rodents, and yet a whole sub-culture of festering indie maggots has gone ahead and done just that. All I remember about their performance on some late night talk show, which had amused me to the point of their appearance, was experiencing a very personal and utterly damning new understanding about the limitlessness of man’s ability to get together with other men and really fucking suck, given proper financial encouragement. In recollection of this moment, I feel ready for my first dose of Cartel now, Ashley; I will take it in the ear and grimace like a man.”

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