This week in the news #32

Friday, 17 August 2007

U.S. paid $1 million to ship two 19-cent washers

It’s really a total bargain you look at it properly. It is only 3/10ths of 1¢ for each washer1. Jesus! What are you pricks complaining about? That’s practically free!

The Mountains of Montana

Miss Teen USA 2007 contestants line up for their official swimsuit photograph

And on a clear day you can see the mountains of Montana. There’s gold in them thar hills.

You’ll also note there is nothing wrong with parading these fine young women around with bathing suits glued to their narrowly shaved pudenda. And the desire to poke one of the 18-19 year-olds is perfectly natural. But any sexual spark felt toward the 15-17 year-old girls is unnatural, perverted, and a heinous crime against women, society, and all civilization. As they don’t carry identification during the competition, you’ll best be able to gauge their ages at the time of your arrest.

Internet is “the new Afghanistan”: NY police commissioner, Ray Kelly

One can only hope! Afghanistan has so far managed to take on, without so much as an instigating middle finger, the three biggest powers from the 20th century and fight the first to a veritable draw and knock the others’ dicks in the dirt.

If the Internet is where superpowers go to be humbled for the next 100 years, suits me fine.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed… no? Well, same difference in the end.
Ray Kelly, Bob Dole’s replacement as spokesman for Viagra®

Myself: You know, he doesn’t look half-stupid. For a mick.

Me: What?! How do you justify that?

Myself: Easy. First, it’s impossible to be racist against an upper class white man. Second, we’re all the same race. Remember? So what if I’m English and he’s Irish. As any black man can tell you, all whites are the same race, ergo, it’s not racism.

Me: Maybe he is analogy challenged but that has nothing to do with his being Irish.

Myself: No…? Well, then I’ll just let him bask in the warmth he feels when a towelhead is eradicated. The price of admission is reminding him that I’m English and a paddy is a paddy is a paddy.

Me: I can’t work with you on this.

Myself: Look, man. Normally I’m with you on this topic. But in a post Patriot Act, Alberto Gonzales world, ad hominems are all that’s left. You oughta try it. Bottling up that shit’s gonna make you found a militia one of these days.

Me: At least it won’t have race restrictions.

Myself: Your mom’ll appreciate that.

Further thanks owed to him for this résumé item–

Prior to September 11th, 2001 there were fewer than two dozen officers working on terrorism full time; today, there are over 1,000. Ray Kelly2

If only he had been hired in time to put 1,000 cops on the street, those 767s would have been caught midair and forced to surrender. Or shot to death when they reached for their wallets.

I’ve got a great follow-up idea. We should hire 300,000 cops and station them somewhere there never even was a remotely operated terrorist act against America.

Australia discovers world ocean “missing link”

Australian scientists have identified one of the last missing links which shows how the world ocean system is interconnected in governing global climate. Reuters

The subtext being, we still don’t really understand how the oceans regulate the Earth’s temperatures. Shhhhh… don’t tell Al Gore.

Farewell to the Yangtze River Dolphin

And good riddance. Some mammals think they’re too good to stay on the land with the rest of us. I say we next move on to clubbing all the land traitor seals to death and wearing their skins as a warning to the capybaras and hippos spending a little too much time wet.

Why Bugs Are Not Huge

The reason has to do with a bottleneck that occurs in insects’ air pipes as they become humongous, new research shows. In the Paleozoic Era, insects were able to overcome the bottleneck due to a high-oxygen atmosphere.

If it’s new research why have I known this fact for 15 years? Maybe because I have precognition abilities in regards to entomology or maybe because you “science” outlets never tire of writing about cryptozoology and newly discovered meteorites collected and cataloged in the 80s.

And to think I put you jackasses in the blogroll recently. Better watch out or you’ll be the topic of the next “Why I can’t link to your site anymore.”

Screw giant insects anyway. There were 8 foot long water scorpions back then and these guys are with us today–

Giant Isopod

Queen guitarist to complete doctorate

Astrophysics. I always knew there was something alien about his guitar solos. I don’t care how drunk he was, it still can’t explain the one in Dragon Attack.

SS officer in 1944 French massacre dies

This guy, Heinz Barth, killed 400 women and children in one sitting and did various other ridiculously evil gopher tasks for the once and future losers which are the pasty, Western, mixed-breed version of Aryans.

Then he ran free after the war and lived a regular life until he was found in 1981. He did some time till 1997 and was released for health reasons. Released for health reasons. He died of natural causes a week or two ago. 16 years in the clink for burning 200 kids to death in a church.

The idea that God can forgive any sin has always struck me strange. How can we imagine something we ourselves could never do? Well, no longer strange. At least one good thing came out of it. I learned one of the last things about you that I haven’t been able to figure out.

Fossil hunter condemns Lucy tour of U.S.

One of the world's leading paleontologists denounced Ethiopia's decision to send the Lucy skeleton on a six-year tour of the United States, warning Friday that the 3.2 million-year-old fossil will likely be damaged no matter how careful its handlers are. AP, Nairobi, Kenya

Getting Americans to reconcile with some of their great-grandparents is more important than the integrity of any specimen. I’d break every bone in Olduvai to make that happen.

Army suicides highest in 26 years

Guess we know where a few of those surplus rounds are ending up.


Far above reasonable averages, they’re coming home to divorces. They’re coming home unemployable, unable to function in normal society; damaged goods, psychological splatter damage. They’re coming home to kill their wives. They’re coming home to kill themselves. They’re even coming home with the potential to be the exact thing they’re supposedly stopping, the worst single terrorist we’ve had. Told you so

1 For each and every American.

2 The sad thing is, this guy was an exceptional man. A man of immense talent and ability with one of the best work ethics I’ve seen. Let him be a cautionary tale of how the War on Terrah!® grinds up the best men in its gears and elevates and enriches the worst.

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Re: This week in the news #32

Those girls better stay off my lawn regardless of how old they are. Damn kids.

Now geez, I never knew that about Kelly. Not the Irishness, which is forgiveable and understandable, but the striving ways of the man. It really is a pity to see that turned to busting squeegee men.

By Vagrant on 17 August 2007 · 16:59