“some well meaning fan mail”

July 4th, 1992

Dear Ms. Pond,

PLEASE help me with this, Ms. Five. I think no one is better equipped to guide me. I think I want to start a new list of things that I think are absurd:

1. Lists of Absurd Things.

2. That LA niggers like to be hitting each other and this’s the kind of music they like to be hitting to.

3. That girls often love their mothers more than they love me.

4. That revenge and temporary peace can be had with the help of a man called Tattoo Rodeo.

5. Pepperoni.

6. Republicans.

7. That stars explode. Candles just go out. Why can’t stars have this dignity?

8. That the first VW Bug cost $1,200 and the new one costs $17,000.

9. That I don’t like blow jobs either.

10. That there are 30,000 kinds of beetles when there aren’t even 30,000 different places for beetles to live.

11. That a five word joke from the Simpsons could have infinite permutations. Stupid List! Be More Absurd!

12. 8-track tapes.

13. Synchronized swimming. [this entry proves that some absurd things can at least be very pretty and difficult to perform]

14. All Klingons speak English.

15. You had a girlfriend who could only climax with her pants on.

16. England gave Hong Kong back to China.

17. Portugal is going to give Macau back to China.

18. Neil has a girlfriend.

19. It doesn’t rain in Seattle when you are there.

20. Drugs are addictive.

21. Humans need two orifices for poop and pee. Why can’t we be like Chickens? They only have one hole for poop, pee, and babies.

22. Chickens.

23. Poisonous octopuses.

24. Shaving.

25. HIV. I think this disease is absurd because things that are too successful tend to destroy themselves. HIV is kind of like people in that way. People are also absurd but they haven’t destroyed themselves yet. Maybe because they have the power to recognize their own absurdity. HIV doesn’t. So I predict humans will beat HIV someday. HIV has no good literature.

26. Seagulls that don’t live anywhere near the sea.

27. English. English is an absurd language. I think we should take out all the French words just to spite the French. The French are so absurd that I’m not sure how to talk about it. I assume they invented the absurd. They seem unendingly fond of it. I don’t know one single American who likes Jerry Lewis. And everyone I know who has been to Paris didn’t like it. Only people who haven’t been there say nice things about it.

28. That a microwave burrito cooked for 4 minutes is still cold in the middle, while a cheese sandwich cooked in the microwave for 45 seconds burned my tongue.

29. I think it’s absurd that absurd things are funny. Why can’t they just be puzzling, troubling and absurd, like God intended?

30. God. This should have been number one. I was distracted and that was a mistake.

31. Old men with young wives. I think this will become less and less absurd in the future, however.

32. That my girlfriend is made of paper.

33. Lies. This is very absurd and I don’t know why some smart people do it and some stupid people. I can’t understand it.

34. Pretending to not understand something obvious. That’s really absurd.

35. Jay Leno. Not only is he absurd, he pays writers $1,000 per absurd joke. I think this makes him more absurd. I think the writers are terrible but it’s not absurd to take $1,000 for writing one bad joke. That’s very clever.

36. Meter maids.

37. The popularity of Morning Radio Shows.

38. Thailand without me.

39. The American flag. Why is it so crazy looking? Why can’t we have a nice flag? We’re the best country in the world and we have one of the worst flags. Japan has one of the best. In fact, they have two of the best. I think it’s a little absurd they used to have such a nice flag and felt like they had to change it. But their new flag is really good too. Weird. We’ve changed our flag many times. But never for the better. Even England has a better flag. That’s not right.

40. Canada. (they have a nice flag too but they aren’t even really a country. I don’t get it. Why did we take half of Mexico and leave all of Canada? It’s the second biggest country in the world after Russia and they have the worst army. Israel could conquer Canada in two weeks. I don’t get politics.)

41. Politics.

42. Japanese Patent Officers.

That’s my start. Please guide me.

Love in the Afternoon,

Guck Finklestein

1 October 1996

Dear Mr. Ginklestein,

I received your letter and read your list with glee. I laughed out loud at you. You left off one thing.

43. People who think their ideas are interesting to the famous.

The next time you try to copy my style and expect it to be amusing try it out on a friend first. Take their reaction, divide it by 6 and that’s what you can expect from me. If your math skills aren’t up to the level of most of my readers I’ll let you know that if your friend thinks it is the funniest thing he ever heard in his miserable life I will think it is less than 17% funny.

’Tis shame Seinfeld’s off the air. But I guess you’ll have reruns.

Your favorite writer,

Ashley Pond V, An Elektrum Press

PS: don’t assume that because I use the epithet “nigger” in my writings that I like or condone the use of the word. Keep your racist filth to yourself you rotten Democrat.

Also: Canada is the third largest country in the world until China lets Xizang go back to being Tibet, your wildly off-base information about beetle demographics doesn’t make J. B. S. Haldane spin but fully replicate the functionality of a scramjet engine one fathom in the dirt, and there is nothing wrong with Paris.

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