This week in the news #10

Sunday, 14 January 2007

Campus split on potential Bush presidential library

Some faculty and alumni—and Commies terrorists, we suppose—are worried that the library would prove an embarrassment to Southern Methodist University. [Not to mention a target for terrorism; which we will only mention in braces because it’s funny.] This is a serious concern because just being SMU might not already be embarrassing enough.

How do you think it’s pronounced? Smoo? Smuh?

It’s actually a world-class choice. What better way to prove to world beyond all doubt and criticism that the wars in the Middle East were not motivated in any way, shape, or form by religion.

Looks like this Presidential library is turning into a buyer’s market.

Pentagon abandons active-duty time limit

Now this is the way to support the troops! Anyone who thinks they ever deserve to come home for good should be shot. And pronto.

Beckham joins LA Galaxy in $319m deal

Oh, Lord. Can they add another million a week for him to keep Posh at home the entire five years?

USA was “Beckham’s only option”…

Then paying him a few hundred million dollars makes sense how? Oh, yes. Through the miracle of American bookkeeping. A science developed in government labs and now running free and doing so much good in the wilds of professional sports and the energy trading market.

Bush: War skeptics “proposing nothing”

“But those who refuse to give this plan a chance to work have an obligation to offer an alternative that has a better chance for success.” George W Bush (coincidentally the US President)

We must remind you of the War Nerd’s rejoinder to this, already mentioned in
Failure is not an option, it’s a dead certainty.”

Sedition·com also joins the skeptical majority, along with most of the highest ranking military commanders, and George’s own dad. The plan will fail. We refuse to give it a chance.

[Technically we have no say whatsoever, so saying we refuse to give it a chance is just pleasant conversation as well Mr Bush knows.]

Unlike most of the others, we offer two plans, more or less guaranteed to succeed, along with our critique. Pick either one. We just don’t care anymore. No, no. No, no.

1) Withdraw completely, immediately

Iraq is fucked. That’s all she wrote. What’s done is done. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men.

We took a couple lumps but, like any good crash, we could walk away from it. Us being in the middle of the it means we’ll eventually go from having a bloody nose to having a broken femur to having to endure another three or four Oliver Stone movies about it all.

It’s not the first time we’ve hung Iraqis out to dry. We helped incite the various uprisings after the ’90 war and sat with our thumbs in George HW Bush’s ass while Hussein butchered a couple hundred thousand people. This time won’t even be as bad.

The only conceivable purpose in what amounts to keeping the status quo seems to be just what started happening this week. Slowly, cautiously, optimistically, shift the blame for this pile of shit—as high as the Tower of Babel that once stood on the same plot—to the Iraqis. Oh, and the next President. Yay!

2) Commit completely

Desert tank at dusk

750,000 American soldiers in Iraq immediately. We don’t actually have that many so it might be a bit of a trick. 500,000 might be doable, that might be enough.

Budget 3,000,000,000,000 (three trillion) dollars for it. That might be a little on the low side but we’ve had success in these number games and feel it’s a liberal estimate.

Set a 10 year time table roughly along these lines–

  • We’ll need a draft. There will be no way to keep the troop levels necessary otherwise.
  • Lock-down, secure Baghdad completely. Make it safer than a small American town. Secure the border completely.
  • Give the Kurds their own state, carefully splitting natural resources in the area.
  • Kill anyone, and everyone who steps out of line. Enforce secularism utterly. Any cleric whose every other word is not “peace” disappears into the bowels of the secret-secret prisons. No bodies = no martyrs.
  • Budget for the loss of 50,000 American soldiers and about 50,000 more coming home physically crippled or psychologically unable to function.
  • Rebuild and modernize Iraq’s infrastructure completely.
  • Nuke Iran, because staying in Mesopotamia means getting entangled and we’d need another million soldiers to fix Iran when it hits the fan.

And while we certify #2 will work—if you could make anyone stand for it, which you couldn’t—it’s also certified to do to us what the Soviets did to themselves.

So, George, don’t let’s hear you talk about how we’re all proposing nothing. Those are two perfectly good proposals and the only downside to the better of the two is that you’d have to accept the fact that miserable failure is going to be one of the milder epitaphs the world will write you.

Jack Whittaker: un-luckiest lottery winner ever

Mr Whittaker’s life has basically been destroyed by being handed over a hundred million dollars in cash (his post taxes, lump-sum payout).

This guy is the epitome of this law–

…No man may be smaller than his money. Look it up yourself

While the philosophy behind the idea is sound it neglects to realize that the market will find ways to cater to even this. The reason why the rule doesn’t always play out practically is because a small man with big money can always hire it out to good help. Or steal more if he has a good lobbyist.

Pentagon gets some Americans’ bank data –and– Military Is Expanding Its Intelligence Role in US

Because these are requests for information rather than court orders, a DOD request under the NSL statutes cannot be compelled absent court involvement.

Short version—your bank is giving the governement all your information, probably, and because it’s not what might be called a legal request you can’t even ask the government if, when, or why they did it.

Good news—I buy all my .50 caliber weapons and fund all my favorite Palestinian charities in cash and a false moustache.

White House Condemns Personal Attack on Rice

Someone went after Dr Rice because she doesn’t have kids; or a man for that matter but that starts to tread a line I just pretended to attack someone else over so that’s over.

If you cannot have rational discourse and the rule of law becomes a mere set of suggestions while logic is put right out the window that only leaves violence.

I mean personal attacks! That's what I meant. Violence is wrong. Except when it's committed by the government. Then it’s good for America. Except when we lose our focus but that only happens when the liberal media are screaming too loudly to give us a chance to think!!

Bilingualism delays onset of dementia

Non ci credo! Vraiment? 진짜로? Bem, lá você vai.

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