the book of embraces, chapter Erin

She was his first real girlfriend. He had no idea how wonderful love was going to feel. She was older than he was and that felt good too. To have a senior liking him when he was only a junior. That was great.

She smelled wonderful and she drove a black Subaru. Ten years later he still is made wistful by a black Subaru even though he knows she doesn’t drive one anymore.

He was crazy in love with her. So in love it made him crazy. He was crazy already so this love thing was over the top. He told her every secret he had. He told her about being crazy. He tried to introduce her to it because he thought she’d take it away.

He didn’t even know that people were having sex in high school. That’s how crazy he was. When she wanted to have sex with him he was shocked and scared. But he loved her and she loved him so he said, “Yes.”

They had sex in a Volkswagen van parked beside the Rio Grande. It was his first time and he told her. It was not hers and she never said anything about it. After it was over she called him a liar. She said he lied about it being his first time. He didn’t lie. He was just sixteen and in great shape and cared for her so it seemed like it wasn’t his first time. She called him a liar right after he had sex for the first time.

She had a lot of boyfriends. She didn’t tell him that. She liked to have orgasms. She loved him but she loved orgasms, and breaking boys in, better so she had many boyfriends. Once, nine years later, he met a man from Arkansas in another city altogether who had sex with her. That’s how many boyfriends she had.

He saw her at a high school party having sex in her black Subaru with a guy she met at the party.

He was broken by it and it made him really mean to perfectly decent girls for several years.

He hated her. He went to temples and prayed for revenge. He studied witchcraft, the Qabbalah, and Crowley’s magick. He let blood and buried whiskers and burned pennies and put a terrible curse on her. He asked the twilight voices to just do him this one favor and maybe he would do the things they’d been asking of him.

When he grew up a bit he learned not to be so heavy about things that were pretty natural after all. He realized that he’d gone too far. He had a couple of terrific girlfriends who didn’t call him a liar after they had sex. So he wasn’t mad anymore.

The curses and anger and prayers for revenge were too much and he wanted to take it all back but it was too late. She had already become a Scientologist.

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