my money is on Alan Greenspan waking from a long winter and Bill Gates avoiding lemon merengue for some time

I am not a billionaire. I am unsure how that rumor began. I admit to repeating it as if were true but only after someone else had said it.

I am a millionaire now though I wasn’t when the billionaire rumor began. I’d like to tell you about it. Writing does not pay well. $1/inch is what I got for art reviews. Maybe this would be a nice bonus for trout fishermen but it is no good for a writer. Writing is not difficult but it can take three days to research a good article. Then you get $30 or so for three days work. The work isn’t hard but the pay is no good. My first million was difficult but once I had the base it became easy to accumulate more. I don’t want to bore you with the details but I had only made more than $12,000 in a year once in my life. That was before Amway.

Many people get mad at millionaires who work for their money. They buy millions and millions of lottery tickets all the time and some of them collect unemployment but they don’t like people to make a lot of money by working. I hope no one holds it against me that I’m a millionaire because I won’t be guilty for it or give a dime of it to God’s flunkies. He can make his own money.

Bill Gates has more money than most of the countries in Africa and a lot of people are mad at him for having it. I don’t like Bill Gates personally and it really is an absurd amount of money he has but I don’t think making money is bad. I think it’s good. Many Seattlites wish Bill Gates would be punished for making money. I almost wish they get their way because if Microsoft were gone, Seattle would still be interesting but it would be broke in about five years and maybe Portland would be famous and people would think Seattle was in Canada because they hardly ever went there anymore.

Every dollar Gates made he had to split with shareholders and employees. He made a lot of other people rich and gave a lot of other people some money to buy something nice for their fiancées and fiancés. So you see why I’m not against making money. I think it’s the best thing in the world, actually. If I have a fiancée someday I would really like a good job so I can buy her something nice. I’m too lazy to own a big company though so I’m glad other people do. I like to work but not that hard.

Many rich men in Congress think that Bill Gates is too rich. They have no problem with being rich but they don’t like it when someone is being too rich without their help or joining their secret clubs. Every single one of those useless fucks who thinks Gates is too rich uses Windows on their computers. I would like to punch everyone in Congress in the nose so they bleed and their noses break because there have been Macintoshes for sale the whole time they’ve been buying Microsoft products. I think I could kick the ass of everyone who is in the House and the Senate right now. I sure would like to try. Even all at once. That’s more than 500 people but I think I could bloody a couple dozen noses before they put me in prison forever. Or I could line them all up, back to front by height, and just really haul off on the first one in the line. If the first guy or gal jerked pretty well when his or her nose snapped he or she would break the nose behind him or her and so on. I always wanted to be in the Guinness Book of World Records anyway. It would be great to be famous for something so ludicrous as breaking more than 500 Congressional noses with one punch. I feel the urge to daydream about it. Absolutely great.

It’s terrible that a person would get mad at someone for selling them something that works okay. If it was broken, that’d be different, but Windows works okay, I’ve used it. And Word ’97 is pretty nice after all though Word 6 kind of sucked.

Imagine what would happen if everyone did that; along with the rich people in DC (I live in Washington, they live in DC). If every time someone sold you a bag of groceries and you ate them and then came back and said, “Give me that money back, you MONSTER. You don’t deserve it!” Then I think people would stop selling things in short order. I like things. I need things. I can’t fucking grow my own vegetables and I don’t like the idea of slaughtering a cow no matter how much I like hamburgers. If people stopped selling things it would be just like Atlas Shrugged except without the heroes and the happy ending, just the bad parts. You would deserve it too, you rats.

PS: I own two Macintoshes. Not because I don’t want Bill Gates to be rich. I’m okay that he’s rich. I own them because Microsoft’s products are substandard as are Intel’s chips. If you don’t like Bill Gates being rich, why not buy something from Steve Jobs and Motorola instead of trying to take back your money, you goddamn Indian givers?

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