a joke I stole and let them sue me

This is a piece about a joke. It’s a joke from the Simpsons. I like the Simpsons. I think if it weren’t a cartoon it would win many Emmys. Since it is a cartoon it doesn’t. I like the Simpsons so much I’m going to steal one of the jokes from that show. Let them sue me. I don’t have a lawyer. Lawyers cost a great deal of money. Assassins don’t. There is glutted market of mercenaries and hired killers out there. You can get a really excellent assassin for less than ten grand these days because the market is glutted with amateurs. It’s supply and demand. I’d rather have three or four people killed and risk going to prison—which I might even like because I would get lots of writing done and not have to work 9–5 anymore—than hire a lawyer. Lawyers are all scummy whereas some hired killers are gentlemen. I can deal with gentlemen.

The joke is the root of simplicity. It should have a ZIP and a rural route and be called SimpleCity. On the show the Simpson family is watching the PBS. A scathing parody of Garrison Keillor is on. I’m not allowed to say anything bad about Keillor right now because a good friend of mine who thinks I’m crazy works for him and I don’t want to get her in trouble. We had a love affair while she was married but it was only by mail and she broke it off when I wrote one letter too crazy. I mean “many.” I wouldn’t have real bed staining sex with a married woman. I’m not that kind of guy. I will, however, have sex with a donkey by mail. I like good mail sex that much.

Anyway, the Simpsons are watching the PBS and it’s not funny. They ask Homer to do something about it. He jumps from the couch and bangs the top of the TV and shouts: “Stupid TV! Be More Funny!”

That’s the whole joke. See what I mean about simple? Whoever wrote that joke has my vote for whatever he or she ever decides to run for, even if it’s Evil Dictator.

Without further intrusion, here are examples of me stealing this joke–

  • Stupid Life! Be More Rewarding!
  • Stupid Ad Jingles! Be Less Effective!
  • Stupid CM! Cook More Dope!
  • Stupid George Clinton! Be Less Funky!
  • Stupid Jesus! Carry Less Crosses! Bear Fewer Sins!

You can see the potential in this. It can be very effective when it’s done topically. By topically, I don’t mean to your skin, I mean by context and topic. Say them in Homer Simpson’s voice. You can’t be sued if you do it in private and don’t charge money to anyone who listens to you.

Obvious

  • Stupid Download! Take Less Time!

Cosmological

  • Stupid Universe! Begin With Whimper!

Obscure

  • Stupid Percy Shelley! Row Less Boats!

Sophisticated

  • Stupid Caviar! Stay On Cracker!

Dirty

  • Stupid Ginger Lynn! Suck More Cock!

Weird

  • Stupid Pants! Go All Around!

Dada

  • Stupid Wa! Wa! Fiddler Crab On The Thoroughfare!

First semester Spanish

  • Usted Español! Sabe Muy Gatos!

Italian

  • Stupido Dante! Scrivi Meno di Inferno!

German

  • Dummkopf Adolf! Blitzkrieg Less Often!

Traditional

  • Stupid Mike Muir! Be More Suicidal!

Foreign film

  • Bobo Follie! Parlez tres bouche!

“Kind of” funny

  • Stupid Lunch!

WS Burroughs

  • Stupid Lunch! Dress More Warmly!

For Tony Bennet and his friends

  • Stupid Eddie Murphy! Pronounce Keidis Right!

Success and jealousy

  • Stupid Success! Visit Only Me!

Jealousy

  • Stupid Girlfriend! Fuck Fewer Everybody!

Envy

  • Stupid CM! Have More Hate!

Silly

  • Stupid Ha! Ha, Ha, Ha!

Whiskey

  • Shtupa, fuck, sh-fuck, stupid whiskey... uhhh-h-h-h-h...

Nauseous

  • Stupid Vomit! Stay Where You Belong!

Morning Talk Radio

  • Stupid Indeed.

Puget Sound

  • Stupid Giant Octopus! Show Yourself More Often!

Blake Edwards

  • Stupid Girls’ Panties! Take Those Off!

Vile

  • Stupid 11 year-old Girl! Bleed More Early!

Roman Polanski’s reply

  • Stupid America! Be More Reasonable!

Serendipitous

  • Stupid Producer! Give Me Net!

Introspective

  • Stupid Narcissus! Think About Something Else!

Creepy

  • Stupid Reader! Turn Slowly Around!

Puget Sound II

  • Stupid Giant Octopus! Have Less Arms!

Familial

  • Stupid Family! Be Less Screwy!

Amicable

  • Stupid Friends! Get Me High!

Environmentally friendly

  • Stupid Green Peace! Save More Whales!

almost-Politically Correct

  • Stupid President! Harass Less Broads!

Politically Correct

  • Stupid President! Be Ethnically Diverse!

Current Events

  • Stupid Shot Glass! Stay More Full!

Environmentally friendly II

  • Stupid Sting! Save More Rainforest!

Modern literature

  • Stupid Red Wheel Barrow! All Depend Less!

Black

  • Stupid Soul! Be Less Polluted!

The Other Black

  • Yo’ Stupid! Be Stoopid Fly!

Rock magazines

  • Stupid Rolling Stone! Spew Less Caca!

Seattle scene

  • Stupid Mudhoney! Breakup More Often!

Police

  • Stupid Five-O! Beat Fewa Niggaz!

The Other Black II

  • Stupid People of Color! Be More African American!

Native America

  • Stupid Indians! Disappear More Quietly!

Hate speech

  • Stupid Writer! Write “Nigger” Less!

Sexual studies

  • Stupid Masturbation! Keep My Interest!

Next door neighbors

  • Stupid Neighbor! Call Manager Less!

Apartment mangers

  • Stupid Manger! Friendship OR Rent!

A

  • Stupid Letter A! Come Later Alphabetically!

Bill Gates

  • Stupid Bill Gates! Eat Pie With Hands!

China

  • Stupid China! Be Less Red!

Korea

  • Byung-Sheen Han Gook! Na Daemunae Jaweehae!

Japan

  • Stupid Japan! Make Fewer Atomic Monsters!

Patpong Road in Bangkok

  • Stupid Hooker! Have Two X-Chromosomes!

Intellectual

  • Stupid Dostoevski! Be Less Underground!

Scientific

  • Stupid Quantum Physics! Be More Predictable!

Rock and roll

  • Stupid Talking Heads! Make More Sense!

Religion

  • Stupid God! Be More Likely!

Evolution

  • Stupid Charles Darwin! Get Out More Often!

Endings

  • Stupid Piece! End With Bang!

Bang

  • Stupid Chicken! Have Better Reasons!

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