my friend Saundra

My friend Saundra is a really good sport. I like her a lot.

I was in Italy and I wanted to get letters from the people I like a lot. She wasn’t writing me letters and I was bored and when I get bored I get kinda mean. When I drink I get mean too. I’m a little mean when I’m tired as well. I don’t know why I’m so damn mean when my feelings are hurt. And I guess it’s beside the point but I’m mean when I move to a new city and the bums there don’t know me yet and don’t realize I don’t have a job or any spare fucking change. I’m gonna throw a dime at the next person who asks.

Something you should know about her is that she’s an actor, a blond actor I went to school with. She’s really good and she’s been in some stuff but nothing you’d know so don’t worry about it. I know a few actors. They’re all really good and they can’t get in the movies except to carry spears. That’s an actor thing. It’s bad. Ask someone who was in a summer Shakespeare production but didn’t have a speaking part what it means. Then laugh at them.

I wrote her letter from Italy saying that I met this movie director. Which was true. I was working for this outrageously rich family and they were letting a movie crew work in their building. That’s the thing that got me started. I made up the rest.

I said in the letter that the movie producer took a shine to me because he didn’t speak Italian so we started chatting about his new movie that he couldn’t seem to find a lead for. He describes Saundra perfectly. I say to him, “I know the perfect woman for you.”

And then I describe her too.

And he goes, “Tell me my new star’s name.”

I tell him without delay: “Olivia d’Abo.”

Olivia is another actor from our town, sort of. And, superficially, she and Saundra look alike. Except Olivia’s been in about twenty movies and she doesn’t have to carry a spear. So that letter, I think you can see, was pretty fucking mean.

I was sorry about it after I mailed it but when something is perfect I have to let it be. Not mailing it would have been an evil deed against the universe. Mailing it was only evil to one person.

She was a little devastated I guess. If those adjectives are allowed to be used together. But she likes me so much that she got over it. So I have to like her back even more to sort of kind of be mean in a different way.

Saundra’s a crazy chick. In a town with three post offices both her parents are postmasters. That’s crazy. She is also crazy because she actually likes it when I’m mean to her. She laughs really hard and she’s asthmatic so it’s fun to try to make her laugh herself into an attack.

When I tell her she’s stupid for laughing at someone saying mean shit to her she just laughs harder. I love it. It doesn’t make me mad. It makes me feel good. We probably ought to get married and I guess I like her that much except I couldn’t marry someone who was so fucking stupid they laughed when they got made fun of. No matter how good it made me feel. You won’t believe me but I swear to God that when she reads this, she will laugh. Call and ask if you don’t believe me. Her last name is Bouchie and she lives in Philadelphia right now. Pronounce it however you want, the information operator will ask you to spell it anyway.

She writes me more letters now, too. So I guess I’d have to recommend being mean to your friends.

One more thing. Olivia’s pretty but you should know she used to dress like Pat Benetar in junior high when it was popular. And though her father is a famous limey—he was in Jesus Christ Superstar and some other stuff—she can’t do a convincing British accent. Her little brother was the only alcoholic I knew in junior high. His accent was fine because he was drunk so he never learned to speak proper American. I guess I’m just mad because she never sat with me in the bus and she was pretty and she got to be on Star Trek and I never did. I really wanted to be on Star Trek. And Saundra is a much better actor than she is. All my actor friends are; even some that aren’t usually actors like CM.

Be careful about shitting on writers; even if it’s just taking a seat on the other side of the bus in junior high. Before you do something bad to someone (in the grocery, in a relationship, in line at the bank, &c) always ask them what they do. If they say, “Meter cop,” “Vietnam Vet,” or, “Writer,” don’t mess with them.

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