another beautiful black woman who was talked out of loving me by Spike Lee

Spike Lee once said on TV that black people know everything about white people—and—white people don’t know anything about black people. He proved this statement with the following citations: Leave it to Beaver, Terms of Endearment, My Three Sons, Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, Casablanca, LA Law, Dynasty, Star Wars, All in the Family, and other documents of the lives of white people in America. I ought to be able to end this piece right there.

Spike Lee is a genius when it comes to making movies. The rest of the time he doesn’t think things all the way through.

In partial support of my statements I offer: black tie, black belt, black diamond, black label, in the black (as opposed to in the red; Red? Yikes!), black gold. If there are more that I missed in haste, send them to me in a letter.

In this interview he said that it was wrong for black women to have babies with white men. I’m a white man who loves babies. What a shitty thing for him to do.

His movies are genius. He’s a genius at making people mad at each other. Too bad he’s not a genius at coming up with answers. I already knew that some blacks, Jews, and Italians in New York didn’t get along real well. I’d rather see a solution. A strong black man or woman, for instance, who does the right thing and makes it. Succeeds. Triumphs. Wins the day by being brave and strong and right. Spike could use his genius to make heroes. Instead he uses it to make the same crappy kinds of movies that all the whites and Jews made before him about crappy people being crappy to each other and clinging to their crappy views to make sure nobody gets to admire anybody else no matter what color they are. I don’t have time to learn to make movies and do it for him so people don’t have to give up their dreams. And, frankly, it’s not my responsibility. I miss Frank Capra.

Maybe I’m the only one in the world with this opinion, I don’t care: I don’t think kids need to be angry, I think they need to be heroic. I think they can be if someone would just tell them it’s okay.

Spike’s answer is the same one they came up with back down ’Ouisianna way: separate but equal. One of my friends has an expression I’m not fond of but it’s the only one that describes this answer Spike Lee reinvented. It’s like a turd that won’t flush.

I don’t know why Martin Luther King, Jr had to go and get shot and Malcolm X too just when he was removing his cranium from his rectum. I don’t know why that white copy technician from Arkansas had to tell me I was sick because I thought a black girl was pretty. I don’t know why Farakhan is such a lousy bastard and still manages to be a hero to many. I don’t know why Jesse Helmes continues to be reelected. I don’t know why John Singleton isn’t making more movies and I don’t know why everybody thinks that the best cure for racism is Affirmative Action.

How can everybody be so stupid and talk like they’re so smart? Like they’re psychologists, forgive them, and they understand the problems they’re causing. Goddamnit! This is so important and everyone is being so stupid!

I wouldn’t assume that somebody black was a Cosby kid or Weird Harold or Rudy from Fat Albert or some shit. They’re just fucking TV shows, Spike! I wouldn’t talk shit if you dated my sister. I’d be happy she met a smart rich guy who made movies. I sure as Hell would not tell my children they should never have sex with a black person.

All I wanted was a black girlfriend and a piece of gum, you dick.

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