how I intend to give the Antichrist a good run for his money

If I had 50 billion dollars and people didn’t like me I wouldn’t try to make friends and kiss their asses and say, “Please be my friend, poor people.” I’d rub it in their damn faces.

If I were Bill Gates this is what I’d do (I don’t think Bill would but I would)–

Bill would have a meeting with all the poor people in the world. Anyone who felt like coming would be welcome. He would even serve snacks and drinks to put people off guard.

Bill would stand up like Charles Foster Kane and say to the throng, “What’s that you’ve got there? A mortgage and student loan payments? Unemployment check? Can’t get off the foodstamps?”

“Yeah,” they will say glumly, sensing the trap.

Bill can shout, “I’ve got 50 billion dollars, suckers!”

Bill would hire planes to carry banners that said: –I’m richer than Namibia–

I have a theory that Mr. Farakhan is the Antichrist but the Bible describes the Roman Catholic Church as the Antichrist in the chapter Revelations. In part because of the seven hills of Rome.

Bill could build seven hills in Seattle. He’s got the money. He could import them from Rome.

The Bible also says no one shall be able to conduct commerce unless they wear the mark of the Beast. This might be an American Social Security Number but then again, maybe not.

Bill can require Microsoft employees to be tattooed. And anyone who upgrades to “Word 2K” in the year 2000 will have to get a tattoo of the Windows logo. Then computer stores won’t even sell you a pack of disks until you show your tattoo.

Then Bill would invite everyone back and say, “I’m the Antichrist! And you can’t do anything about it!”

He would write Steven Jobs a letter that went like this:

Not April 1st

Dear Sucker:

I’m Bill Gates.


Bill Gates

He would personally call everyone who owns a PC on January 1st, 2000 and ask them if their system had crashed. And if they said yes he would laugh like a drunken Czech sailor in a Busan whorehouse.

Well, Bill probably wouldn’t, anyway—the guy I met in Seattle who was in the Cub Scouts with him said he was a great kid—but I sure would.

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