my 30th birthday

Maybe I don’t have a job today. But they tell me I’ve got one in two weeks. That’s better than having a job today because even though my rent check is a bad mystery novel right now I hate to work on my birthday. Not because I don’t like to work on my birthday but because I hate it when people I hardly know and don’t really like try to tell me happy birthday. I think it’s embarrassing and a little absurd to be nice to someone you don’t like and hardly know just because it’s his birthday.

My birthday is in 10 days. My job is in 16 days. I think that’s pretty damn kind of the universe to oblige me on this one. Except that I won’t get to do anything expensive on my birthday. That part is a little sad. But there are always new movies on my birthday because I was born in the week they release the Summer Blockbusters. I kind of felt like The Empire Strikes Back was a present just for me on my birthday so I saw it five times that week. Then I read Gone With the Wind and I lost all respect for Lawrence Kasdan, the bastard. Just like Wrath of Khan and Moby Dick but that was cool because the book was there and Khan was crazy. It was part of the plot to use Ahab’s speeches. Kasdan is just a kike thief. I don’t know if he’s Jewish and I’ve got nothing against Jewish people but he’s a kike thief anyway.

Summer Blockbuster week is a strange week to be born. I think it’s better than being born during sweeps week, though. I like some TV but I think a lot of it is just crappy. I’m glad Seinfeld is going away. I can hardly wait to see him flop in movies for 10 years and then come back to TV with a show that is not even as good as his first crappy no-plot-having-show.

The actor who plays Kramer used to be on a show called Fridays that nobody in the world remembers but me. I was in love with Melanie Chartoff. She was on the show too. The actor who plays Kramer used to play a pharmacist who sampled too many of his wares. When I was fourteen that was the funniest fucking thing I ever saw in my life. Not like Seinfeld. That’s like a slicker, glibber Three’s Company. I don’t like to be embarrassed for other people. It doesn’t make me laugh. All of the characters on the show are detestable pricks. I would dislike them if they were my neighbors and, admit it!, so would you.

I would rather read the rest of your mail than talk about my birthday anymore. Though, don’t get me wrong, I could for a very long time.

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