The 99 Names of God (revised)

  1. God with an Upper Case “A”
  2. The Bringer Home of Pork Substitute Bacon
  3. The Raiser of the Dead Who Do Not Then Proceed to Eat Brains
  4. The Whole of Glory
  5. The Trampler of Unsatisfactory Hajji
  6. The Munificent Munitioner
  7. The Mildly Reluctant to Behead
  8. The Stand-up God
  9. The Unchanging; the One Who Never Needs a Change
  10. The Eternal Clerk
  11. The Untestable Black Box
  12. The Regifter
  13. The Hernia Preventing Infidels from Lifting
  14. The One with Better Than 20/20 Vision, a Lot Better
  15. The Incessant Babbler
  16. The Able to Swim Immediately after Eating
  17. The Lucky at Cards
  18. The Tolerant of Overstaying Guests
  19. The Consistent Fly-Caster
  20. The Sunday Driver
  21. The Forgiver of Naughty Slaves
  22. The Teacher Never Substituted
  23. The Rubber Who Made You Glue
  24. The Artist Formerly Known as Yaweh
  25. The Mack
  26. The Trim and Fit
  27. The Magnificent Second Step
  28. The Dio di Tutti Dii
  29. The Hypoallergenic
  30. The Hardener of Things Including but Not Limited to Hearts
  31. The Closed Moustache Ride
  32. The Estranged In-law
  33. The Unsprainable
  34. The Backseat Driver to Whom You’d Better Fucking Listen
  35. The Most Gracious Dismounter
  36. The Protector against Venereal Diseases
  37. The Polisher of Silver Ghosts
  38. The Mighty High
  39. The Vaginaless
  40. The Compulsonator 6000
  41. The Withholder for Eternal Social Security
  42. The One So Vast He Literally Sits around the World
  43. The Universal Block and Tackle
  44. The All-Inferring
  45. The Bestower of Discount Shopping
  46. The Postmaster at Everything dot All
  47. The Causer of Heat Death
  48. The Many-Handed Bitch Slapper
  49. The Pardoner of Inexcusable Flatulence
  50. The First Pitch of All Series
  51. The In-Soul Navigation System
  52. The Delayer of Male Orgasm
  53. The Writer of Unhackable Code
  54. The Vector by Which Disease May Move in the Unfaithful
  55. The Exempt from Death Tax
  56. The Maker of Book
  57. The Holder of All Trademarks
  58. The Granter of $20s for Lap Dances
  59. The Dressing Emulsifier
  60. The Unresponsive to Customer Feedback
  61. The Avenger Who Is Not Iron Man
  62. The 100% Natural Sweetener of Life
  63. The Spicy Breathéd
  64. The Sublime Mover of All, Including Westward-pointing Bowels
  65. The Pinky-Swear Keeper
  66. The Tailor of Plastique
  67. The Driver of 500 Yards
  68. The Pinner of Blue Ribbons
  69. The Special
  70. The Venture Capitalist of Righteousness
  71. The Fixer of Wagons
  72. The Mixed Metaphor Which Makes Sense to the Faithful
  73. The One Size Fitter of All
  74. The Counter of Circumcised Cocks; sometimes translated as The Tallier of Trimmed Tallywackers
  75. The Abacus Master
  76. The Unlikely to Nod-off
  77. The Universal Patent Holder
  78. The Perfectly Coiffed
  79. The Utterly Just-in-Time
  80. The Cosigner
  81. The Crapper of Unpinchable Loaves
  82. The Finger on Queen’s Pawn Four
  83. The Brightest White LED
  84. The Lord of Adult Novelty Rings
  85. The Benefactor of All Death Taxes
  86. The Sweetest Fruit
  87. The Ghost Writer of the Greatest Story Ever Told
  88. The Ejaculator of Black Gold
  89. The Spread
  90. The Professor and Not Mary Ann
  91. The Antidote to the Situation Comedy
  92. The Great Bigamist in the Sky
  93. The Judge of Good Character
  94. The Orange Creamsicle on the Hottest Day of Summer
  95. The Author of All ANSI Documents
  96. The Puller of Zionist Skeet
  97. The Guarantor of Intact Hymens
  98. He Who Won’t Dignify That with a Response
  99. The All Singing, All Dancing God of the World