A tardy, unsolicited review of the reviewers of Apocalypto

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Apocalypto

Kids being what they are, I see things on cable instead of the theater and only infrequently. I finally watched Apocalypto. And maybe my memory is fuzzy but I don’t remember it getting one good piece of press. That’s actually untrue, now that I look. Rotten Tomatoes has plenty of good reviews but quite a few like this–

The buzz is wrong. Apocalypto is unquestionably the most reprehensible, brain-dead and offensive movie I’ve seen all year, and this year has been a doozy. Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

To all the reviewers who panned this I ask, “Why? Was it…”

  • The cast?
  • The acting?
  • The dialect?
  • The special effects?
  • The cinematography?
  • The direction?
  • The costumes?
  • The make-up?
  • The locations and sets?

Because they were all spot-fucking-on. A bit much mysticism and continuity issues with a weak, extended chase scene script, but so what and you can count Hollywood movies without continuity problems on one hand.

Mel Gibson is an asshole but you guys… I don’t even know where to start. So, Calloo! Callay! I won’t.

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