This week in the news #13

Saturday, 3 February 2007

Chavez to Get Powers to Remake Venezuela –and– Chavez Granted Rule by Decree

Dear Venezeula,

Nice knowin’ ya’.

Sorry,

–The World

Comedian Al Franken to run for Senate

Al Franken’s still got it

And people say Al’s not funny anymore.

Bill Gates: We were first, we were best, we are more secure

Oh, no! Mr Bill! Jesus, Bill, I used to have a shred of respect for your success, however brutally and connivingly achieved. You’ve become a character in a Dilbert® strip [and everyone here knows how funny we find that]. Here is just a single comparison. Suck it.

For a total 284 days in 2006…exploit code for known, unpatched critical flaws in pre-IE7 versions of the browser was publicly available on the Internet. Likewise, there were at least 98 days last year in which no software fixes from Microsoft were available to fix IE flaws that criminals were actively using to steal personal and financial data from users.

…In contrast…Mozilla’s Firefox browser — experienced a single period lasting just nine days last year in which exploit code for a serious security hole was posted online before Mozilla shipped a patch to remedy the problem.

“Internet Explorer Unsafe for 284 Days in 2006,” washingtonpost.com

Germany seeks arrest of 13 CIA agents

Just to make a point so everyone notices. The country that gave the world Zyklon B and the other Dutch oven has taken the moral high ground over the United States.

Miami plans big party when Castro dies

Ashley plans mild “So?” when Miami implodes from racial tension, corruption, and crime; or when it gets sucked up in an Exodus-strength water spout.

“Harry Potter” Sheds Cloak For “Equus”

Equus?! Jesus. In high school speech and debate I played Dr. Dysart; and did quite a lot of role research for Alan after school and weekends… Well, I guess that’s one way to break out of being typecast. Beware the student of Lee Strasberg, stablemasters.

Ad Prank Suspects Speak in Boston

Hair cuts of the ’70s. Thank you, boys. I have been losing hope that this generation hasn’t become a bunch of terminally humorless cubetards.

One of my favorite entires in the tragically underappreciated Nine Cirlces of Hollywood Hell was for the sole inhabitants of the 5th Circle of Hell: Comics who apologize.

Someone already beat me to the suicide bomber vest Mooninite treatment which I was planning to do for Sunday. Now if someone will just string all the Boston PD footage together and give it the keystone cop treatment—black and white, increased frame rate, film noise, frenetic piani accompaniment—I will be able to sleep soundly again.

Woman Has 93-Pound Tumor Removed

I have to list this. I need an excuse to post the photo.

The part of me that suffers from the vestiges of child indoctrination Sundays down at the old First Presbyterian preaching Hell is a real place almost makes me stop short of pointing out that this tumor probably outweighs Nicole Richie by at least two or three pounds.

93lb tumor

“Dear CBS: at least Fox News’s typographical incompetence is amusing.” The colon seems a bit much too, though if you thought the colon was great you’ll plotz for the sigmoid.

World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz Holes in Socks

Now I know Matt Drudge is gay. Only a gay man wouldn’t know that heterosexual men do not in their entire lives buy a pair of socks. Until the age of 23 it’s our mothers’ responsibility, girlfriends’, wives’, and daughters’ thereafter. The holes in Wolfowitz’s socks are merely an indication that he’s not getting any. Not for free anyway.

Myself: When is it ever free?

Me: Pipe down, you.

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