[adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

Sunday, 4 February 2007

The final draft of the apology that [adult swim] aired was formal and thorough; and somewhat out of character, so we did some digging. Sedition·com has obtained the original draft of the apology slated to air before lawyers at Turner Broadcasting caught wind of it and soiled themselves in a panic to get their own version together.

Here is the bump that was slotted to run until just 45 minutes to air time.

We pity the citizens of Boston, for your police officers are humorless douchebags who take weeks to misidentify a wafer of lights as a bomb.

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We appreciate the gravity of this situation as Williams Street is owned by Turner which is similarly differently-humored.

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As soon as we realized that the police in Massachusetts were $#@%tarded we let everyone know about the ad campaign. Strangely enough the police in cities like Portland and Seattle had found them already and didn’t think they were dangerous. Seattle PD explains why they didn’t think the devices were bombs:

“The same reason we didn’t think they were toasters. They looked like Lite Brites with a D battery power supply, and that’s how we treated them.”

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Perhaps Boston PD was especially cautious because the devices were black.

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We deeply regret the hardships experienced as a result of this incident. Five years ago being stuck in traffic for a couple of hours would not have been called a hardship but Bostonians seem to need to feel they have suffered right alongside other Americans like, say, the residents of New Orleans.

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Boston PD. Grow a sense of humor.

<page, quickly flashed>

Or a set of stones.

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[adult swim]

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Discussion

Comments


Jen

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

Ya man... Boston totally needs a sense of humor. I mean... it's not as if a bunch of terrorists flew two planes out of Boston and killed thousands a few years ago. Those Bostonians really need to lighten up...

By Jen on 4 February 2007 · 11:43
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Ashley

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

I understand the feeling and I don’t, and have never, disagreed that it was a terrible event; but the Boston affair is proof that we’re still unable to deal with that kind of thing. Two weeks it took them to overreact. They found two devices at the same time which actually were designed to look like pipe bombs. They’ve released without charging the fellow who placed those. The bomb scare was a cowardly, braindead reaction, as has been 90% of the US reaction since the Fall of 2001.

Less than 3,000 died that day. In the week following, 9,000 died from smoking. You can pick almost anything—drunk drivers, ladders, prescription medicine, influenza, bad weather—and it’s more dangerous than terrorists. All the reaction is totally out of scale for what the event really meant. Two wars? 20,000 crippled American soldiers and 3,000 dead ones; just so far, plenty more coming. Almost a trillion dollars? To what end?

We’re much, much less safe now than we were 6 years ago. Ridiculing the inappropriate reactions is one way to go about getting them to change. I hope. Probably they still won’t change because most of them are cowards who don’t know how to protect us and jump whenever anyone says, “boo.”

I want my land of the free, home of the brave back.

By Ashley on 4 February 2007 · 12:16
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Jen

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

Ashley,

I agree that there has been a massive over-reaction to 9/11. I hate that Bush can simply mention those numbers and get support for pretty anything he says in the next sentence. But there is an institution that is devoted to public safety, which has obviously existed way before every American knew Osama's name. The police are tasked with protecting the public from threats like terrorism and school shootings, just as hospitals and the medical industry are tasked with helping those with cancer get through it. Although terrorism is clearly not the biggest threat to the average American, it is a possible threat, which it is the police's (and federal agencies') job to protect against.

In hindsight, everyone can agree that the Boston police over-reacted. But, if you were in the police chief's shoes that day, would you really not do the same? There was a real bomb found on Wednesday; there was a man fleeing the bomb scene saying, “God is warning you that today is going to be a sad day”; there were a flurry of calls of strange bomb-sized objects scattered throughout the city. I don't think, given the information they had, they over-reacted. Other people (though, to be fair, not you) keep passing around the phrase that the city was "shut down" by this massive over-reaction. The city was not shut down by any means. I got in and out that day with no more traffic problems than usual. There were a few roads that were closed... but it's Boston -- traffic always sucks.

So the Boston police got a bunch of bomb related calls all at the same time. They shut down a stretch of road because of it. Were they really over-reacting?

(I should also probably note that I think the Boston local news stations were (as they always are) over the top and doomsday-like. Boston local news has the best and the brightest in the fear-mongering industry. THIS JUST IN: Snowplows are big, could they KILL your CHILDREN?)

By Jen on 4 February 2007 · 12:57
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Ashley

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

Yes and I do support cops when they’re being righteous and I agree, in theory, with your points. And shutting down traffic is fine if there is a good faith basis: they really thought it was a dangerous situation/day. The DA then is the problem. Charging the artists/marketers (even after Turner said they’d pay for the mess) while letting the other fake bomber walk is indefensible.

Cops are also not high on my list of favorite citizens. I’m a fellow with long hair. I’ve been harassed by cops on and off throughout my adult life; since I’m a college grad, sometimes-business-owner, and well paid tech worker/writer with a perfect driving record who doesn’t do drugs I can only assume they’re generally prejudiced pricks and I’m lucky I’m not black.

Cops do about as good a job as any government employees; i.e., they do a bad job. This is a significant problem if they have guns and near immunity from prosecution when they make mistakes or abuse their power. Or sit around outside waiting for the shooting to stop, like they did at Columbine High; like they do just about every time.

There are good cops out there, but it sure as hell doesn’t seem like many of them make it to management level.

Terrorism on American soil is an extremely minor threat; much smaller than a hundred, if not a thousand, other things. It only feels bigger b/c the “terrorists” have won. They’ve terrified some of us. That’s a choice. We don’t have to be scared.

The news media, as you point out, is probably the biggest problem here. It’s only a story if it’s thrilling and sensationalism/hyperbole is much easier than doing real news. That’s why I liked the “Hair cuts of the ’70s” press conference so well. The boys (who maybe should be charged with tresspassing but bomb hoax?) showed how silly the circus had become but treating it with the seriousness it deserved: none. It’ll be interesting to see if they end up in the federal pen for it. Another nail in the coffin if they do.

By Ashley on 4 February 2007 · 13:52
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Ashley

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

Reason’s roundup: “Free the Boston Two!” All gives me an idea for a follow up which will be a bit more sober, I mean serious, than this one.

By Ashley on 5 February 2007 · 01:01
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Beanboy

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

It worries me that, after all the training the Boston bomb squad has supposedly gotten, that they can't tell a Lite Brite from an actual threat.

The terrorists have pretty much won this one, folks.

By Beanboy on 5 February 2007 · 12:41
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Ashley

Re: [adult swim]: the Mooninite, Boston bomb scare apology, first draft

From an earlier one–

Activist’s remark starts FBI probe

Jim Bensman got an FBI call because the local toiletnewspaper exagerated his suggestion to remove a dam at a public debate over what to do to ameliorate fish migration problems caused by the dam.

What the FBI man who answered criticism about the overreaction said should be the most welcome statement ever published for terrorists out to get America. He said–

We have to investigate everything.

There’s your manna, my bèturbanned foes. All it will take to shut down every public and federal agency in the United States of America will be a pocketful of quarters, a pay phone, and showing up to a town meeting or two unshaven and saying, “Boo.”

By Ashley on 5 February 2007 · 13:10
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