This week in the news #14

Friday, 9 February 2007

Astronaut Culture Stresses Achievement

Lisa Nowak’s personal ad

And threesome-based trailer trash murder plots, apparently.

And achievement? How hard is it to get away with killing someone? Don’t like 35% of murder cases go unsolved even when committed by those from a culture which stresses little more than the golden ratio of rock cocaine to an earnest crotch hoovering?

But don’t worry Lisa. You won’t have to face public humiliation a second longer because–

Anna Nicole Smith Dead in Florida at 39

Anna Nicole meets her dearly departed husband in Heaven

The only notable part of this story is that she made it to 39 years old. The only notable part of the woman’s entire life is that she managed to get an iron-clad prenuptial agreement argued in front of the Supreme Court.

A cautionary tale for gold-diggers encouraged by her successes—the Catholics made up annulment for the cash; in God’s Kingdom you may well still be considered married and, word to the wise, eternity is a long time to be banging a nonagenarian who no longer has a dollar, let alone a billion, to his name.

President Bush’s Uncle Tangled in Options Probe-SEC

Kee-ray-zee, man. Hard to believe there is even one bad apple in the old Bush barrel. I hope they get him out before he starts to spoil the others.

Donatella: “Hillary Clinton should ditch the trousers…”

Take your pick–

  1. Sedition·com: “Donatella should jettison the face.”
  2. That’s actually the punchline to the Sedition·com Joke of the Week: What did the trainwreck say to the cuckold?
  3. Joe Liebermenschman prefers to dine out.

“Little doubt on cause of global warming,” experts tell Congress

When asked for a guaranteed forecast of the weather and temperature 12 hours hence, the experts demurred, citing how much easier it is to be certain of the weather at the time of one’s retirement than at the height of one’s grant funds and publishing.

Albuquerque Tops Fittest City List

This strikes me as pure wishful thinking meets drastically missampled statistical group. I will add something long overdue, however. I’ve been to 15 or so countries and half the US and I’ve seen a lot of beautiful women pretty much everywhere I’ve been. A lot of them. Lord, yes. No place I’ve ever been tops ’Burque for density of world class, full spectrum, beautiful women. Nothing like the Southeast / New England / SoCal brands which are emetics when viewed prior to ante meridian spackle and detail work neither. These are women that you want to wake up next to.

Ozzy Osbourne Unveils Plans for Free Ozzfest

To anyone still cynical about life after that news I say, this tune will be played and more kids than not get it.

Crazy, but that’s how it goes.
Millions of people living as foes.
Maybe its not to late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate.

Mental wounds not healing;
Life’s a bitter shame;
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

I’ve listened to preachers;
I’ve listened to fools;
I’ve watched all the dropouts
Who make their own rules;
One person conditioned to rule and control,
The media sells it and you have the role.

Mental wounds still screaming,
Driving me insane;
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

I know that things are going wrong for me.
You gotta listen to my words.

Heirs of a cold war,
That’s what we’ve become;
Inheriting troubles, I’m mentally numb.
Crazy, I just cannot bear;
I’m living with something that just isn’t fair.

Mental wounds not healing;
Who and what’s to blame;
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.

It occurs to me this week that I could easily make a career of punditry by meeting news and political items with nothing but rock and roll lyrics.

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Albuquerque Tops Fattest City List <sic>

Sir, "Alcaburpy" is no Austin.

Excluding my second ex-wife, Albuquerque lacks abundant beautiful women, e.g. a woman capable of launching a thousand ships using nothing but her face.

It does have what appear to be some striking breeding experiments. It also has some interesting writers, probably resulting from the same experiments.

We are tempted to return y'all to regular Mexico. I realize this will make little difference on the street there, but at least it would be official.

Sincerely, EVCubed.

By eVCubed on 10 February 2007 · 17:36

A is A

Re: This week in the news #14

Well, well, well. If it isn’t Gamera, out of retirement to take one last swipe at the goodies.

As well you know, my third wife, your first, is currently the secretary to the ambassador of Chiapas—though I hear her refusal to provide competent dictation will soon cost her another federal appointment; news to neither you nor me.

My fans already know, as I documented it on air extensively during my stint as Rai Uno’s cephalopod analyst, this isn’t about Cat Armijo who outright rejected the fleet. This is about the fact that I withdrew funding from your off-Broadway attempt to produce a one night showing of the Al-Qaedettes at the structural supports of the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s always about money with you people, isn’t it? Fans aside, anyone with the gray matter God gave a chicken taco knows that the cube root of EV is -1.

In any case, if you will reconsider directing my plan for The Retiree Question, I may reconsider funding your grandmother’s patent trial defense. Par Aide had no right to do it.

Swim home, Gamera. I work alone.


PS: Let’s do this again soon.

By A is A on 10 February 2007 · 21:06