Sedition·com presidential hopefuls value table

Monday, 3 December 2007

Candidate What it would take to get my vote
Mitt Romney Conclusive, irrefutable proof of God.
Joe Biden A beating that was about to knock teeth out but is stopped short if I promise to vote for him.
Mike Huckabee Who the fuck is that? Is that a joke name to see if I was paying attention, or what? Next question.
Bill Richardson He’d have to apologize to me, one New Mexican to another, for the shit-for-brains maneuver he pulled renaming historic Route 666 to appease a bunch of superstitious Catholic fucknuts.
Chris Dodd He hooks me up with Beyoncé and talks my wife into looking the other way.
Duncan Hunter WTF? I thought we agreed no more joke names? Quit pushing.
John McCain 5 years of starvation and torture in a tiger cage.
Fred Thompson I’m hired as the star of Dick Wolf’s next television show.
Mike Gravel Bus fare to the voting station.
Alan Keyes He promises to use a fake Austrian accent for his entire term.
John Edwards $10,000,000, tax free. I would spend $9,000,000 of it attacking him during his tenure though so it’s not much a deal for anyone.
Tom Tancredo He promises—with 3 years notice and relocation expenses covered for everyone—that he will use nuclear weapons to turn each and every holy site in the world into a sheet of radioactive glass. And then he kills himself so the trail ends there and I will never be held accountable for freeing the world.
Dennis Kucinich An eight year supply of OxyContin.
Hillary Rodham Clinton The threat of death to my children.
Rudy Giuliani The threat of death to my wife’s children.
Ron Paul A stale donut and a cup of decaf.
Barack Obama All right. That tears it. I warned you about the fake names. See if I bother voting now.
4 comments · Commenting is closed
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Re: Sedition·com presidential hopefuls value table

I could quibble here and there, but that makes sense to me. With one glaring exception. I can't get past the OxyContin part. You're better off with plain old, straight up oxycodone, no acetaminophen or whatever other shit they put in the popular branded stuff. Eight years is a long time to be ingesting it.

By Vagrant on 3 December 2007 · 07:01

A is A

Re^2: Sedition·com presidential hopefuls value table

I completely agree. Now. I was too full of cyclobenzaprine to know the difference when I wrote that. I also received my Democrat-for-life papers in the mail this morning so I think I went on some kind of strange political bender while I was under. There are, what might be, hair and tooth fragments in the soles of my boots too so I’m a bit worried to pursue it any more.

And they say caffeine is bad for you!

By A is A on 4 December 2007 · 10:29

robert rawlings

Re: Sedition·com presidential hopefuls value table

Glad to see you're on the Ron Paul bandwagon. All that hard work SEOing for 'young nude girls' is finally going to pay off.

By robert rawlings on 3 December 2007 · 20:27

A is A

Re^2: Sedition·com presidential hopefuls value table

All I can think of now is Gail Wynand… :(

By A is A on 3 December 2007 · 20:50