This forever in the news — aka, KING OF THE PUSSIES

Monday, 27 April 2009

We’ve got 50-odd “This weekses in the newses” behind us. It’s time to let you in on a secret. You can satirically address 80% of what’s in the US news feeds by replacing the given title with–

Pussies Freaking-out over Every Day Life. Again.

Now before we explain this, why don’t you go test it out and see if it flies on its own. Try these and meet us back here–

Every headline you read for a day, try replacing that—Pussies Freaking-out over Every Day Life. Again.—and seeing if the meaning changes.

And of course, if you want pussy headquarters—not the Larry Flint flavor—you want the ALL CAPS Drudge Report.

Many call persons like Drudge fear mongers or say that they are merely pandering to the puerile, prurient, pusillanimous, pedestrian palate of the people. Excuse the alliteration, it’s not my fault. It’s the Tourette’s.

I don’t think they are right about all the Matts; East, West; Left, Right; High, Low, Uni. I think Matt and those like him going back to Ida Tarbell—read some fucking history before you scoff, you demi-educated, one-winged parrots—aren’t panderers. Snake-oil salesmen have precious little in common with preachers when the robes come off. Matt and his ilk have everything in common with them. It’s no act. They believe their divinity. They feel the fear they peddle. Oh, not so much as to interfere with a weekend or engender some sort of preparedness or personal change. Just as they want echoed in their audience: it’s a quick hit of an increasingly impotent intoxicant. Not meant to last or get one particularly high most of the time. Just meant to tide one over.

A’course, Matt scored this week. ¿Que no?

¡¡¡Pánico!!!

I leave the image uncorrected because Matt’s webmaster is an idiot and I won’t cover for him.

¡¡¡PÁNICO!!!

Now follows the—circumscribed—headlines that were on the page for that screenshot.

  • TESTING OF PLANE PASSENGERS
  • BIO-TERROR
  • COOPERATE WITH AUTHORITIES
  • flu could mutate to “more dangerous” strain
  • quarantine plans
  • scare empties streets, churches, bars
  • 1,400 SUSPECTED CASES
  • Russia Suspends Imports
  • flu likely widespread
  • Asia on alert
  • students in scare
  • Israeli man hospitalized on suspicions
  • CONFIRMED IN CANADA
  • Spain announces 3 suspected cases
  • Destructive Tornadoes
  • Record breaking high temps
  • President a saavy star in breakout role
  • Obama Shook Chávez’s Hand
  • New war if US does not act quickly
  • Iraq PM says deadly US raid “breach” of security pact
  • US not sending clear signals to Iran
  • OPEC wants oil to reach $70
  • DOCTOR SHORTAGE
  • Army Biolab’s Missing Vials May Never Be Found
  • Storm over embryo “bank”
  • Viagra rival
  • EXODUS OVER HIGH TAXES
  • USA SHOULD SHOULD PREPARE FOR NEW FLU OUTBREAK SOON EVEN IF THIS ONE FIZZLES OUT
  • virus begins to attack PCs
  • Economy, Employment Will Keep Declining for “Some Time”
  • EXTREME RACING: 7 fans injured
  • “We’ll race like this until we kill somebody”

Every one of those has an easy paragraph’s-worth rejoinder. We’re already stretching your attention span, though, so–

In that batch of bile, fear, shock, boners, and insinuation there were only about four headlines which we removed in the game “One of these things is not like the others.” Here is 25% of what was culled:

  • REPORTERS PASS THE TEST: GRADED “A” BY WHITE HOUSE PRESS SPOKESMAN

That’s the only legitimately terrifying headline on the page. When the government is writing love letters to the press you’d better hope you’re not odd man out in any way a crowd might notice.

And if you think, oh, that’s just over the top. We’re… I mean, they’re not all a bunch of pussies who read the news for the same reason they go to teen slasher flicks. Let’s talk a little about that.

100 or so dead in Mexico of this swine flu. Oh, my God! 100 dead! And in just one month! Save us, SuperBlackJesusReagan!!!

Now, suppose you were to answer the question: How many Americans died of regular old unqualified flu in the same period?

100, give or take.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I type “100?” That was just today. We were talking about the last 30 days. That would be–

3,000, give or take.1

Oh noes! Don’t look behind you. Is that teh SARS!?

So, you tell me. Is the world actually ending or are you just greasing your pleasure centers with a little get-by juice? Again.

1 Don’t write or comment about the age of the dead in the stats. I realize mortality in the young is less ordinary than that in nursing homes.

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