Egregious Star Trek errors on the big screen #17

Friday, 26 June 2009

This is difficult because I loved the casting, I got and appreciated the inside character gags, the acting was good—Chris Pine hit a flawlessly subtle Shatner cadence, which none of you would get after 20 years of bad SNL, in the final scene—and the new ship was a thing of beauty. Something you could believe a man could fall in love with.

You rely on me for more, so–

The most beautiful Enterprise yet

Oh, you know what we could do…?

Make up some physics even more stupid than that of TNG. Saying a particularly volatile supernova threatens destroy the galaxy is like saying a particularly rabid beagle threatens to eat everyone in the world. It’s stupid to the point of B. And that a warp capable culture could somehow be wiped-out by a phenomenon moving at 0.0001th the speed they could move out of the way… It takes years for supernovæ to even be seen by their closest neighbors.

Here are the top FAIL MacGuffins for sci-fi. See if any are familiar.

  • Destroy a planet (or two).
  • Black holes that alternatingly enable time travel and destroy everything.
  • Someone is asleep for a long time.
  • Have a mother die.
  • Time travel.
  • Have revenge be the primary motivation of any character, especially the bad guy.

Oh, but you know what we could do…?

Put families, and especially like pregnant women, on military/exploratory spaceships because that totally makes sense. And you know what would be cool? A cute and funny sidekick alien. Not like that Jar Jar Binks, you know, but more like the little Yiddish one from the Ewok flick.

Oh, we could appease the Iraq-generation by killing all the bad-guys instead of rescuing them like that bunch of fucking soft-ass hippies in 1969 would have done. Pussies didn’t understand shit. Space is motherfucking hard, man. We have to be too.

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