A new scale for how hot it is –or– Record Vivs in Seattle

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Okay, first off: every single day of the last week the weather forecast in Seattle has been off by 3–4°F. I.e., it’s been 3–4° too low. Today was no exception. How is it that the “science” of meteorology is so consistently unreliable even given a perfectly consistent pattern of unreliability? I knew on Monday that it would be over 100°F today though the weather predicted 97°. So actually they were off by 5° if you take their predictions farther back than a day. Oh, but I digress. You play Sorry! I play chess.

Now, speaking of scrota, I propose a new scale for how hot + muggy it is. It’s quite simple really and I daresay more accurate and understandable to the common man than measures in temperature and humidity. We’ll call it the Viv scale in honor of the most dedicated fan of the scrotum I know, Lord Vivian Five Sixtus.

Like Kelvin to centigrade the Viv translates directly to another unit: the centijoule. The Viv count represents how many centijoules are required to pull your scrotum off your thigh at the end of a bus ride in the given weather.

Today Seattle saw a record 27 Vivs. The previously recorded high was a mere 16 Vivs set in 1938 on August 2nd when Hedy Lamarr appeared downtown to introduce the sole US showing of Extase at a matinée for under-privileged children.

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