This week in the news #20

Friday, 23 March 2007

Man gets probation for dead deer sex

Do, a deer

This actually was a victimless crime. Right up until the point some editor at the AP decided to run it. I’m considering bringing a class action suit.

Do you suppose it was the tea [sic] with jam and bread what made him do it?1

Army Revises Upward the Number of Desertions

A total of 3,196 active-duty soldiers deserted the Army last year, or 853 more than previously reported, according to revised figures from the Army. Paul von Zielbauer, The New York Times, 23 March 2007

That number seems awful familiar. Oh, sure. It’s within 1% of the number of active duty soldiers converted to pine box stuffing in Iraq. Shhhhh… don’t tell, but some of the boys are getting pasted in Afghanistan too. Bin Laden’s in Pakistan but Afghanistan has such a great War on Drugs tie-in—which we’re losing even worse as luck would have it—we just had to set up camp. Probably just jealous the Soviets did it first.

Reuters: Forecaster sees active Atlantic hurricane season

The United States emerged unscathed from the 2006 season after it spawned a below-average nine storms, of which five became hurricanes. Experts had universally — and erroneously — predicted 2006 would be a busy year for Atlantic storms.

Do you know how weather predictions are made? It makes cheiromancy and phrenology seem downright grounded. Have you, in your entire life, heard one, just one, weather report that was accurate more than five days out? Four? Three?

Welcome to chaos theory, kids. Enjoy the ride. Don’t ask where we’re going, let alone if we’re there yet.

Next soggy, east coast prick who tries to tell me what the weather will be like in 100 years… well, let’s just see him try to turn back time because then it won’t be a surprise when someone gets medieval on his pooching Tennessee ass.

Me and Rated G, under the tree, I’m holding her, she’s loving me

Livescience.com: Playing Music Makes You Smart

Take that, subspace!

Study Finds One-Third in D.C. Illiterate

But I’m sure once they get a renewed iron clad gun ban in the district crime will go down—just like it did ever since the first time—because it’s guns that cause DC’s high crime. Yep, just the guns.

Reuters: Poll shows 18 pct of Iraqis trust U.S. forces

What’s the Iraqi equivalent of a mugged liberal? A testical electrocuted Shiite?

Microsoft Denies Breach of Xbox Live Security

So… the only major software maker which thrives despite pervasive, serious security problems is taking credit cards, personal info, and virtual orders?

When they give all your base to some Romanian hacker I hope you’ll realize they’re not to blame. They are and have been sloppy with the old buffer overflow and authentication scheme for years. You fell for the hype and shelled out $350 bucks to play one game.

Liberals Relent on Iraq War Funding

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

My Little Pony: Thumbelina

AP: World’s smallest horse, Thumbelina

Hmmmmm…

Fuck you and the horse you wipe your shoes on?


1This joke made specifically, though not exclusively, for the benefit David Bryant.

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