I haven’t been sexy in a long time –or– Hat-trick

Friday, 20 January 2017

Sexist. I meant sexist. Don’t pretend you didn’t know what I meant.

After Amy, Patti and Ron, Chel–sea, the drinky McWondertwins, the chronic gone girls with the power of invisibility given by media in love…

It’s nice is all I’m saying. Just once in my lifetime. To have a stone fox, sexpot first daughter. For once in American history!

I am positive the allegations of incest are exaggerated and that when Trump said, ”If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” he meant it. Nothing ever happened. He’s never touched her. He just fantasizes about it when he bangs the poor girl’s stepmother.

Me: Shit! Goddamn it! What is even wrong with you? Whuhhh… Nothing as funny as misogyny except maybe incest?! ಠ_ಠ

Myself: Thank goodness. It’s so nice to hear you finally agree with me about something.

Me: Pffff… And I noticed you squeezed in a little bonus homophobia there.

Myself: Wait? Was that gas or did you say something? Between your breath and your mumbling, I can’t tell the difference.

Me: Ron. …In the list.

Myself: Ha! A) I’m not homophobic. As I’ve gone to great lengths to repeat: I wish every other man in the world were gay. B) Ron is not gay, you liberal fuck. C) Calling Ron a first daughter is a joke he’d like. He’s a hell of a lot funnier than you are and he knows I earned the right to make the joke. I took ballet too.

Me: Made your stupid deadline with this tripe. Happy now?

Myself: All day long.

Me: Why? You didn’t vote for the newly minted… what did you call him on the chalkboard in November? Trashfire in Chief. New Yorker bit you a couple days ago, you know?

Myself: Mmmm, hmmmm… I’ve got a case of schadenfreude that makes watching the director’s cut of the Lord of the Rings on cyclobenzaprine and clomipramine while lying in a tub of warm jello seem like a prom date with my sister.

Me: What the actual fuck? …Why?

Myself: All day long. Hillary Diane née Rodham, mother-fucking, Clinton and the acres of pussy Bill plumbed that she had to ignore and the thousand humiliations and the setbacks and losing the big chair to a black Chicago nobody and all the rest. And she put up with it. All of it! The endless lies. The gallons of pride she had to swallow. She endured it and she beat them all. No amount of scandals or bad behavior got in the way. She played the party and the process like the devil plays a fiddle. And she did it for what she has to watch someone else get again today. And not just anyone else. The least deserving, least qualified, most absurd person imaginable and by an electoral…college…win. Agony and ecstasy live together in perfect harmony. Side by s–

Me: She won’t watch it.

Myself: She will. And because she will, and only because she will, so will I. I want to feel every second of it through her.

Me: I won’t watch it.

Myself: Oh, I’ll fill you in. If you know what I mean. Wuf! You go take your moral stand over there, okay? The grown-ups have to catch up on our stories.

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