Annual report

Friday, 19 September 2003

Greetings shareholders.

Next week marks the fifth anniversary of Sedition·com. The front desk phone has been ringing off the hook. All the major periodicals want quotes about our success in these neo-antediluvian days.

Milestones in the trailing 12 months:

  • 1,000,000th page view.
  • 300,000th visitor.
  • No one on staff got drawn down on, arrested, or had to visit the free clinic.
  • Record amount of nearly grammatical hate mail from Christians and French Canadians.

These kinds of statistics are only meaningful when explained fully, though. This nation in love with numbers but completely unwilling to dig into them and see what they might mean.

Of those million page views, many, maybe even a simple majority, are not from human visitors but web robots and search engine crawlers. So I can only say Sedition·com has been read 1,000,000 times if I’m a liar or a moron. You start to see the marketing value of being a moron.

Being honest makes you look worse on the surface. The clean living revenge is that anyone who lives on the surface will never be able to achieve much, excepting in Hollywood, politics, education, the American workplace, the arts, and journalism. Oh.

Searches

Let’s dive into a sampling of top searches, with links to where they brought visitors, for Sedition·com. In brackets below is the result rank, taken now, of each query for the search engine the visitor used to get here.

average IQ · People are taking my advice too late, I fear. And they come looking for a simple answer to a simple question which is not on that page. This one neither. [#37 out of 528,000 results on Google™]

test tube babies · In the spirit of factual accounting I will be a bit more direct today. If nature is telling you not to have a child of your own, there is probably a reason. If you would rather have your own biological child even though she or he has a much higher than normal chance of health problems, you are a bad parent, ready risk your child’s health and quality of life for your own vanity. Shame. The world is full of babies that need parents already. I feel bad being the one to tell all the test-tube grown children out there that they have bad parents but better they find out from a friend. [#10 out of 119,000 results on Google™]

Bambi Francisco · Surfers of the financial pages have seen her rather sexy 67 pixel headshot. They want to see more or read more of her financial analysis. They find neither here. [#6 out of 74,800 results on Google™]

mother fucker · Ah, now we are getting somewhere! And here we see the kind of immortality a decently formatted webpage can bring. [#5 out of 173,000 results on Google™]

nymphomaniac · More surfers looking for pornography or insight into American culture. Again finding neither Ann Coulter naked nor a reasonable explanation of how it’s possible that the same man who made “Schindler’s List” also directed “Hook.” [#20 out of 113,000 results on Google™]

“Rape DVDS” · Now, we’re getting to the meat of the data. We’re learning about our fellow human beings. On any given day you can look at our referring searches page and see fairly naked racism, sexism, and other questing for general ugliness. Why does this site come so highly recommended for these things? Direct, unapologetic, and ironic writing. All qualities wasted for our largely transient viewership. [#1 on MSN search]

My Lai · So it’s not a total wash. This is encouraging. People are taking the time to learn something important. Unfortunately, most of them miss the point. [#20 out of 40,700 results on Google™]

stripper music · What? This is a top search? The world is crazy, that’s all that explains this. [#7 out of 210,000 results on Google™]

“who is john galt” · I knew we’d get to a point where things would get sunny! [#4 out of 7,630 results on Google™]

thierry meyssan · Well, backwash was inevitable. A couple Québecois wrote to correct my French in the title. Either there is no humor in Québec or the gag was too subtle for their post-continental sensibilities. [#9 out of 11,900 results on Google™]

suicide note · There are 5,990,000 pages found in a Google™ search for suicide. 5,040,000 for happiness. See how valuable statistics are! People end up at Sedition·com looking for help on a wide array of topics. Stiff neck was one of the most popular searches a few months ago. Once again, those looking for help or information find neither. [#18 out of 1,090,000 results on Google™]

Discussion

There is an interesting correlation in the general ugliness of search data with the points of origin of the searches.

A popular search theme with users in Egypt and the UAE is the moms fuck sons, including the variants, mother and son fucking and me and my brother like to fuck my young sister.

Not to say that North Americans and Aussies don’t search for these things too. But it isn’t all they search for. Besides, it’s fun to make sweeping statements about countries based on the actions of a few individuals or even just one. It’s how George II has come to raise foreign opinion of the US in just three short years. Oh, if we can only repeal the 22nd Amendment in time!

Research on zoophilia is quite important to Iranians currently and this time it’s not a Chelsea Clinton dig. Puerto Ricans have questions about the bible. Pakistanis seem concerned with monkey fuckers. Australians want to know the answer to the extremely important topic how much blood humans have. Bulgarians wish to know more about jew mother fucker whereas Latvians and Lithuans are content with vanilla mother fuckers.

Germans search for poo and homophobic a bit more than I wish they would. But one particular Deutschlander took it too far with sperm brutal sphincter. I’m glad I’ve never had to publicly argue the con for evil being hereditary.

Canadians ask a lot of questions; an excellent trait. They seem a bit overly concerned with American topics — like the lovely and wretched Ann Coulter — for a culture so completely set on having a border with an overlook.

The US searches are all over the map. If I had to pick one that was a bit too common for comfort, it would be Chelsea nude. You go through life thinking you have a fair grasp of reality and then…

There was one one recently. I guess we’ve become too entangled to avoid going all the way again. Perhaps it was real research for an important piece of writing or something. I hope it was. The query was: how to conduct a clothes hanger abortion. It wasn’t even the first time it’s turned up. The “how to” part…I’d like to say it was from one of the Iron Age countries we’ve been ribbing. Let’s just say it wasn’t.

Conclusion

What have we learned from all this information?

  1. Visitors who use a search engine to get here never find anything they want or need.
  2. Page views and visits from everyone but human beings have increased dramatically.
  3. Sedition·com is less marketable than ever.
  4. The world is a vile, desperate, and humorless place.
  5. Sixteen half-assed punchlines don’t add up to one good one.
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