Self-help American-style

Sunday, 14 December 2003

Real answers, real quick.

1. I’m not thin enough.
You’re not drinking nearly enough coffee.
2. I’m not not happy enough.
See #1.
3. I’m not getting enough sex.
Are you a woman? You’re not drinking enough alcohol. Are you a man? You’re drinking too much.
4. I’m not getting enough sleep.
You’ll get plenty when you’re dead and that could be tomorrow for all you know. See #2 to feel better about it.
5. I don’t have as many friends as I’d like.
See #3 and reverse sexes.
6. I’m insecure and always unsure what I’m doing is the right thing.
You need immersion therapy if you are ever to be happy. Quit your job, end all personal relationships, sell or burn your possessions, put your pets to sleep, and move to any square state in the American west. Start over and see how you do. If in another year you aren’t more sure, consider suicide. It will solve your problems but we only recommend it as a penultimate choice; right before moving to Arkansas.
7. I have a lot of shame and regrets.
It sounds like you already drink. We suggest you are not yet drinking to capacity. Try harder.
8. My girlfriend wants me to join her church or she won’t marry me.
What do you care? You didn’t really believe in your god, you can go right on not really believing in hers. It’s also a ready-made out should you decide on divorce and wish to remain blameless.
9. I break all my resolutions by January 10th every New Year.
Don’t make resolutions this year. Fooling yourself is a poor hobby. Incidentally, everyone else can last till the 14th at least.
10. Should I tell my partner I think I might have a venereal disease?
Definitely not. It means one of you was cheating. That’s a conversation no one wants to have. Break-up, then hit the free clinic. Your partner will figure it out, or not and get cervical cancer. Oh well, that bitch was cheating on you anyway.
11. What’s the best Christmas present to get my spouse?
We revisit #3 yet again. If you’re a woman, get drunk and do anything, anything you are requested to do. If you’re a man, stay sober and keep your mouth shut unless it’s to say, “I can’t believe how much weight you lost this year—you look better than Brooke Burke,” or “Don’t touch those dishes! I’ll get them as soon as I’m done with the laundry and the cat box.”
12. I’m a soldier in Iraq and I am having trouble making my expenses on Army pay.
Make sure you’re checking dead Iraqis for gold teeth. If it was good enough for your grandpa at Iwo Jima, it should damn well be good enough for you.
13. I wrote, “Someone should kill the President,” on a blog comment and now I’m scared I’m going to jail.
Don’t be ridiculous. Jail is for short sentences, usually misdemeanors. For threatening the President you go to prison. You’re lucky you didn’t write, “I’m going to kill the President,” “I’m planning on shooting the President,” or “The President will be dead by Christmas Eve.” Any of those would turn up in automated searches and have the Secret Service knocking at your door the next day. The SS has no sense of humor.
14. Ann Landers said I should try to get to know my new in-laws to help smooth our differences.
Ann Landers means well but she’s dead. Don’t take advice from dead people.
15. I want to start my own website but I don’t know anything about it, I have no design skills, and lord help me, I’m just not that bright.
I’ve got 2 words, no, 3 words, no, wait. I’ve got an “acronym” for you. PHP.
16. The contractor screwed us on our house project and he lost his insurance so we can’t get reimbursed.
This is terrible of course, however, do not take matters into your own hands. Unless you’re certain you can get away with it. After all, he probably did the same to other clients so the police will have a hard time pinning motive on anyone in particular.
17. I got a vaccination but I got the flu anyway.
Sue your doctor. If we can’t count on our medical professionals to keep us alive and disease free to 120 years of age, whom can we count on to do so?
18. I got into a flame war with someone on a BB and I feel too guilty about the things I wrote to go back.
Unplug your cable modem, let its parameter RAM clear, plug it back in, and you’ve got a new IP dynamically assigned. Start a new account on the BB in question. When you’re sure no one knows who you are you won’t feel bad. Guilt is tied to a sense of identity. Just erase your identity and you’ll never feel bad for long again.
19. My boyfriend thinks I should get breast enlargement surgery.
This is because he doesn’t know or doesn’t care what they will look like after 10 years. In other words, he is not going to marry you, and even if he does he won’t be around for the kids’ graduation because, presumably, his secretary will also take his advice over ours.
20. I think I might be a nymphomaniac and I don’t know what to do.
This is too important a question to address impersonally. Give us a call immediately.
21. I’m asocial and I just can’t seem to get through anything that involves other people.
Pick up some web-programming; build a web-site; wreck the lives of those you can neither respect nor endure. Now isn’t that better?
22. I took your fucking advice on #1–21 and now I’m a malfunctioning wreck.
The Pfizer corporation makes several extremely effective antidotes to reality. Pester your doctor about it.
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