I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

Tuesday, 16 December 2003

This is a cultural anthropology project I am completing for make-up credits toward core requirements at my Community College. I hope to have my Associate’s in International Trash Fires this summer!

Abstract

I will sample the nationalities of individuals trying to obtain nuclear weapons.

Through analysis of the data I will show what citizenries of the international community are the most seriously bent on eradicating apple pie, Chevrolet, and blue-eyed Jesus.

Methodology

I plan to sample the nationalities, via point of origin of logged IPs, of individuals trying to obtain nuclear weapons. To accomplish this I will provide a “webpage” filled with terminology relevant to the building of nuclear weapons—as well as phraseology indicative of rapacity for mass destruction—and will match the referring query content (the “search terms”) against them.

To publish the results I will sample the statistics and present or update them in this “paper” at regular intervals; every 3 months for a year.

Expected outcome

I expect to finally have a sit-down with with Secret Service agents. I hope to tape the conversation to further another study I’m keen on completing.

Search phraseology

Kill Americans. Kill the fucking Americans. Americans are fuckers. I will kill all Americans. Die Yankee pig-dogs. I sort of like Americans Building Nuclear Weapons for Dummies but instead I will kill them—all of them, muaha-ha. Levis aside, America must go. America’s aid package to us was smaller than normal this year.

The United States should be destroyed. The United States of America must pay for her crimes. Burn America, burn. Bomb America. Bomb Washington, DC. Wheee! What are the easiest cities to bomb in America? Does Amtrak search luggage? Low security nuclear facilities. Strategic targets on the Eastern Seaboard.

I support Palestine.

I want to buy a nuclear bomb. Where are the best prices for nuclear bombs? Shipping rates for nuclear weapons. How to make a nuclear weapon with shit you find on the curb. What is George Bush’s home address?

Search terminology

Triton, ICBM, IBM, MX, Peacekeeper, Mk-12A, Sparrow, Atlas, X-11, X-10, Ajax, Trident, Chrysler Jupiter, B61-7, B61-11, Minuteman, ALCM, W80, M-80, SS-18, SS-19, SS-24, SS-25 (360), SS-27 (29), SS-N-18, SS-N-20, AS-16 SRAM, SS-N-23, SS-N-9, SS-N-12, SS-N-19, SS-N-21, SS-N-22, SA-5B Gammon, SA-Grumble, MSBS M4A/B, MSBS M45, Prithvi I, Agni I, Agni II, Dong Feng, Julang, Ghauri. Is that all you’ve got? What do you mean you’re out of Tu-160 Blackjacks? I just saw a guy walk out with one? Well can I get a Skiff or a Bear H6, at least? I’m going to take my business to Israel if you don’t get your manager right now.

Nuklier. Newclear. Nuke. Nuc. Nucular. Nyucler. Nuclear. Muffin sandwich. Weapon. Atomic weaponry. Weapons’ grade fissile materials. Fission. Primary reagent. Bi-product. Tertiary bi-product. Radiation. Rays. Alpha and gamma particles. Two atoms of Plutonium walk into a bar at high velocity. Ouch.

Critical mass. Nuclear mass defect. Neutrons. Moderator. Unstable nucleus splits, never calls.

Uranium-235. Heavy water. Make heavy water. Make water. Fluorine and Uranium Hexafluoride. Plutonium-239; how to avoid oxidizing Plutonium. Centrifuge enrichment. The ABCs of A-bombs, a step by step handbook. Nuclear Destruction for Dummies.

Advice from Edward Teller. Soviet yard sale. Ukrainian government auctions. Ebay. Chernobyl top soil. Andrei Sakharov rules!

Dirty bomb. H-bomb. A-bomb. Fuckin-a bomb. Neutron bomb. Fusion. Thermonuclear. Plasma. Magnetic confinement. Tritium. Deuterium. Gatorade. Nuclear detonator. High explosives. Core. Plutonium and highly enriched Uranium. I liked Cobalt-60.

Experiment results

To be provided after the first sampling period ends—approximately March 15th, 2004—assuming an augmented version of the Taepo Dong isn’t ready and I’m still here to do it.

03/17/2004 The first report is in.

07/28/2004 The second report is in.

12/17/2004 The third report is skipped for lack of anything interesting to say about it. We’ll try harder for the anniversary.

6/19/2005 The fourth report… Didn’t I say something about trying harder? Uh, stay in school. That way you can end up like me. Won’t that be nice?

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Discussion

Comments


anuj

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

i m selling my soul

By anuj on 9 April 2008 · 23:23
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Ashley

Re^2: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

Dude, it is the wrong time to sell. Been a buyers’ market nigh on two hundred years.

By Ashley on 9 April 2008 · 23:39
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Ibrahim

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

How much? Send me a message.

By Ibrahim on 29 August 2009 · 20:27
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jacob

Re^2: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

NO YOU SHALL NOT BUY IT STAY OUT OF THE CAT BOX BAD DOG BAD

By jacob on 14 October 2010 · 11:18
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Jason Lewis

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

I am interested in purchasing a nuclear bomb. I'm doubtful that yours works though. Perhaps you colud drop it in the Pentagon to prove you have the ability to obtain a working example?

By Jason Lewis on 16 February 2010 · 21:18
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Ashley

Re^2: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

We are attempting to arrange a demonstration. The best we have been able to come up with so far is a flaming bag of poop in the mail box in front of the Pentagon and the homeless guy we hired for the trial run is currently missing.

Oh, just a minute, there’s someone at the door. BRB–

By Ashley on 16 February 2010 · 21:58
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manJGIKYUVIKGH

Re^3: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

FUCK YOU!!! U SHITTY MOTHERFUCKER!!! WAT EVER GOD DAMN COUTRY YOUR FROM, WE FROM THE U.S. WE FUCKING RAPE U IN THE DAMN ASS SO DAMN HARD!!!!GOD IS SENDING TO FUCKING HELL, BITCH!!!! I HOPE U GET RAPE IN THE MOUTH AND ANUS SO DASMN HARD!!!!!!!UR JEALOUSY OF UNITED STATES! THE UNITED STAES WILL TAKE A BIG HUGE ASS SHIT RIGHT ON YOUR DAMNED FACE

By manJGIKYUVIKGH on 1 March 2010 · 23:17
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Vagrant

Re^4: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

manJGIKYUVIKGH, I have to thank you for the clarity of your sentiment, and I hope you'll understand that this thanks must incorporate responsible use of the cap locks key. So:

Thank you.

Now bend the fuck over, put your face in this here pile of dog shit (which my canine friend will provide at no cost) and give thanks to whatever god you worship that I'm using a cucumber, not a watermelon.

By Vagrant on 2 March 2010 · 09:19
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Ashley

Re^4: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

Selling nuclear weapons is great business. Anti-business is anti-American, Pinko!

By Ashley on 2 March 2010 · 17:18
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couple o people

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

i need something better than a nuclear bomb.. my targets are world wide with roots back to the American Psychiatric Association.. maybe you have a package deal?

governments support/allow these evil people to go about their evil bussines.. and the general public, well this will cure them all... ahahahaha..

maybe one day everyone will own their own bomb and we will have to see where they send it to..

not who wants a bomb.. where is it going?

By couple o people on 25 June 2010 · 08:28
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Ashley

Re^2: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

By Ashley on 25 June 2010 · 08:34
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burger king

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

americ wil be gon in 2010 on decembr 21st we al shal b ded

By burger king on 14 October 2010 · 11:11
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jacob

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

Every time the television is turned on, someone has reinvented the toothbrush. When you think that every shape, style, texture, and size has already been thought of; someone invents another. Why not get creative and design a toothbrush of your own? With a small amount of time, money and material, you could be on your way to becoming a new toothbrush inventor.
•Use cellulose plastic to make a toothbrush handle. There are two types of cellulose which have a lightweight oil-based material that allows the handle to slightly bend.

•2
Make a kid's toothbrush handle from a stronger and lighter material; oil based polypropylene. Children need a toothbrush they can use without the burden of weight or damage.

•3
Adhere or fix small nylon segments in the head of your toothbrush through the many tiny holes already made in the toothbrush. The nylon material absorbs little moisture, and bounces back to its original position after use.

•4
Gather your nylon bristles together. Each hole should have about 6 bristles. Insert the bristles through the holes using a non-toxic adhesive. This should hold down your bristles nice and tight.

•5
Fabricate your plastic injection mold in a shape and size that best fits your need. If you make a new toothbrush after your own desire, chances are it will suit others as well

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sorry i was cleaning the jizz off my keyboard

By jacob on 14 October 2010 · 11:16
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Russ Dickson

Re: I am selling a nuclear bomb in good working order

You better be carefull. There's misdemeanor in Chico California for setting off a nuclear device in the city limits, and it's $500 dollar fine.

By Russ Dickson on 16 April 2011 · 10:14
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