How to write a suicide note

Friday, 26 December 2003

Between the porn and stiff necks suicide note turns up in the search logs often. Really often. Almost every damn day. More lately since it’s the holidays.

Suicide is an interesting thing. As I wrote before, to be or not to be, is the ultimate self-answering query. But let’s talk about the keystone of the act: the note.

If you’re not now thinking or have thought of offing yourself, beat it. There’s nothing here for you today. I’ve got no sarcasm just now.

What you can write

There are 3 bends this can take.

  1. I’m angry. It’s not possible that anyone in the world has ever been as angry as I am. I’m gonna get them back on the way out. They will have to just stand and take it. Making the last word mine in the absolute is worth it.
  2. I am hurt, I feel too strongly, I can’t stop feeling, I can’t stop caring, I care about every run over cat, everything makes me cry, no one gets it, I can only try to leave some poetry in my wake.
  3. I’m really just too small to fight anymore and I want to make a clean exit. I write this to try to explain so no one blames him or herself. I plan to finish my affairs, clean my room, and try not to make a mess in the bathroom when I do it.

All of these are natural. They are understandable. Maybe you thought they weren’t. Maybe someone foolish and gullible told you they couldn’t understand it.

Dear Angry:

You are going to be able to wreak misery and worse on them with your attacks and your finger pointing. And they won’t be able to get you back. They probably really love you too, even though they don’t show it, so it will hurt them regardless of what poison you can capture in longhand. Anger is a potent meme. You’ll be able to pass it on and get them back for years to come.

The trick is nothing you can write from a place of this kind of anger will either last or be appealing. In fact, it will be ugly and laughable to anyone but those few it’s for.

The local paper will pick up your suicide note and run it. It will be a catalyst for other parents to hug their children closer; not something that divides them. Try thinking of what the note will sound like when read aloud by the prom king at a kegger by the river. They’re not crying or hurt, they’re laughing.

No matter what you do, what you write, you won’t be able to hurt anyone much in the end. You might go, thinking they’re hurt, but they’re fine. You’re dead. They’re fine.

It’s important you know it. Even if they were dead with you, they’d still be fine. You can’t stop what makes you angry by dying. It won’t go away by removing anyone. You can’t even hurt it. There will be a new prom king next year, and the year after, and so on for all the years you’ll be rotting alone in the ground with wires holding your skull in the shape its supposed to have, wearing the suit that the mortician dressed you in after he stitched you up and pumped your bare naked ass full of formaldehyde.

You’re dead. They’re fine. No parting shots, no note can change that.

Dear Hurt,

There is poetry of polished obsidian in pain. Dissenters reveal a lack of ability to live, to know life. These are they who design final solutions, who use the median to weigh the lives of children, who have a formula for what you are supposed to be and to feel. You’ve always been right about them and the world. Always.

You can write it’s all pain. You can blow the words in rings like Elven pipe smoke in a still glen at dusk. You can drag a fountain pen on parchment to push their nature sacred. You can leave a formula perfectly chaotic in the 1:1 that reveals a truth topologically which is so final, your soul will live painlessly for all time in those who grasp it.

There is a problem. They can’t see as well as you do, and you know it and must admit it when forced on the point. Your soul is the bleeding orifice below Vincent’s temple. Their souls are all salt and pepper, PTA, and reasonably priced sedans with all weather tires and a good warranty.

When they read the note, even on that paper, in that beautiful hand, they won’t see. They will want to and they will try. Maybe for years they’ll try. They will fail. Totally.

Those living who can and would understand will never see your words. They will go on living, wishing they had more of their kind around them.

dear too-small-to-fight,

You have always been so wonderful. Thoughtful. Making yourself small in all the family pictures so you don’t take up too much space. Taking care of everything. Refusing to even leave a mess and choosing the location and method least likely to cause problems for the survivors. Refusing to be a disappointment to the last.

You’re the body I stumbled on in that Oregon field. You’re the hardest to talk to because it’s so not about you. Exactly. It’s about you, but there is no appeal to you that has any realistic weight.

No matter how well you explain they won’t understand. You can read the note and know it’s done and right but you didn’t just lose someone you loved. They won’t read it the same way. It will be out of tune, it will be a steel-toed boot in the head, it won’t make sense and to try to comprehend it will mean becoming as you are. Its lack of sense will do them quiet violence inside.

Those who lose a loved one by suicide become dramatically more likely to take their own lives. The ones you’re trying so hard to make no trouble for: you may kill one or more with your explanation.

The only real disappointment you ever cause will be in this act. This act, the first thing you’ve ever done for yourself and no one else; your final twisted response to the suffocated desire to be yourself, to be happy. It can bring no joy or peace.

What you can write, part 2

So you can write your note. It won’t work. It’s just not going to. You don’t have to decide tonight. You can just as easily try to write it again tomorrow. No matter the reason for writing it, you must agree, there is no real hurry in getting it done.

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Discussion

Comments


gene

Re: How to write a suicide note

i have nothing to live fore ana more and you cant tell me any diffrent bye bye

By gene on 14 September 2007 · 12:39
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Nina0999

Re: How to write a suicide note

Well...whatever you wrote doesn't get me to anywhere from where I stand. When you live in daily frustration, you lost literally every "happy" emotion because no one simply is willing to understand. You got a messed up family who do not give you "the freedom" to lead your own dreams, but ruin it by harsh words which breaks your heart. When you love someone for 3 damn years and that person suddenly figures out they stopped loving you, goes and cheats infront of your face. Well..that's when I think of suicide. Anger, sadness, misery and desperation reach to an unbearable level where you wish to escape, just leave this damn place and seek forever peace. But again, since we are cowards...cowards to face our broken life since no support is what we get..we r cowards to get ourselves to forever sleep. Well, honestly, I personally know that in my religion "committing suicide" gets you nowhere but hell, so I try to hurt myself by cutting myself or swallowing 6 pills of some medecine..but the creepy thing is that no one in this damn house even notices.
Well..instead of those buttheads trying to create awareness on what the heck Paris Hilton is doing next week in the Club...and what Britney Spears is up to after her sudden break down in goddamn knows where, why don't you people try to create awareness "for broken hearted" people? Trust me, you'll find millions. Retards.

By Nina0999 on 22 June 2009 · 12:26
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Mara

Re: How to write a suicide note

Tomorrow nothing will have changed.

By Mara on 26 June 2010 · 22:15
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Ashley

Re^2: How to write a suicide note

That’s always a possibility but you won’t know for sure till then and it opens up the chance of waiting for one more tomorrow.

By Ashley on 27 June 2010 · 08:51
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