The telephone game

Monday, 29 December 2003

Another long term research project. The bonnetéd bees must have their way.

These are all intentionally falsified quotes. They are fictions. “No quote on this page is real,” he typed furiously, “excepting, of course, this one.” I am making them up right now. I found them nowhere. They didn’t exist until I was eating some trail mix and thought how well dried mango would go with fictitious quotes.

This page will be online for many years to come, barring an untimely death if I push my handlers too far. Maybe nothing will ever come of it but I think that many out there are stupid enough or malicious enough to take these and repost them in another venue without the proper attribution: outright falsehood. I do admit my own curiosity borders on the malicious, but then again we drown an awful lot of dogs in the name of knowledge every day. I think of this as medical research and so should you.

The list will likely grow over time and news briefs but will only ever contain original lies.

No one hates chickens more than I. Anyone who loves chickens shouldn’t be allowed to be an American. George W Bush
When I discovered my brother was a CIA operative assassinating civilian leaders in Laos, it changed my whole perspective on war. Howard Dean
I didn’t vote for Bush intentionally, you have to understand. You have no idea how difficult it is to read a ballot when you’re drunk. Michael Moore
It was a sad day for America when Santa Claus killed Jesus on the cross. Jerry Falwell
Being a smart chick has had its drawbacks. Condoleezza Rice
A little sexual experimentation when a man is young does not make him a homosexual. And my wife understands that. Oral Roberts
Maybe it is wrong but I still think Jim Carey is funnier than Damon Wayans. Louis Farrakhan
I’ve always thought of the term “cracker” with pride. The only way to rob the word of its power to harm is to make it our own. Tom Ridge
I didn’t enjoy killing people in Vietnam—especially the civilians we got on 44—but I’m proud I got the chance to do so for my country. John Kerry
The only thing as dangerous as the reds is the gays. Ronald Reagan
Look, I admit it was a really bad breakup with Ralph [Nader] and maybe I was bitter at the time but it did not color my political view and I’ve had better orgasms with a Browning 1919 anyway. Ann Coulter
If I learned anything from President Kennedy it’s that when a woman half your age wants it, it doesn’t matter that your wife is down the hall or that a Senator is waiting to meet you. William Jefferson Clinton
The timing of reporting exit polls during a national election is a delicate issue if you want to improve your candidate’s chances for winning. Tom Brokaw
I may not like Ann [Coulter] but I suppose I’d fuck her. Ted Rall
I know I stole everything from William Gibson, but he’s like practically a Canadian. Neal Stephenson
I really don’t hate the hebes. Hillary Rodham Clinton
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