Democrat Presidential hopefuls quicksheet

Tuesday, 20 January 2004

I swear to Patpong Road I’ve been trying to not write about this stuff. You don’t want to hear my story about the beating I took from trying to stop Jamie from skinning that frog alive anyway.

Senator John F Kerry
Kerry begs the question, How many babies do you have to kill to be evil? The answer apparently is not “one.”
Wesley Clark
Who? Oh, yes, the guy who joined the Democrat party 4 months ago. If there was a Democrat incumbent, he would have swung the other way, no doubt. He gave testimony to Congress that the US doesn’t need the UN’s permission to invade Iraq—or any other country—and he was sure Iraq had weapons of mass destruction which would inevitably be used against America. Now he says he never said it; which those with a 4th grade reading level seem to be willing to accept. If that’s not proof enough that he’s the worst man for the job, just realize that Madonna endorsed him. Ignoring his cardinal lack of integrity, there’s no more damning testimony against a man.
Actually, one thing would make me vote for him. If he agrees to make good on his guarantee that there will be no terrorist attacks if he’s President. By “make good,” I mean, he signs a legal guarantee agreeing to be shot in head if such a thing does happen on his watch.
[Ed (01/24/04): follow up in the interests of trust. I know the Congressional quotes have been taken out of context but they don’t change the issue. You don’t get to say, “I’m in favor of killing my neighbor, my neighbor is going to hurt me otherwise, and I don’t think I need anyone’s permission; but I think I should wait awhile,” and then turn around and say you never supported neighbor killing. He supported the war in Iraq without the UN’s adivce—I suspect he just wanted to wait another 18 months till he was in office and it was his ratings bonanza.]
[Ed (01/30/04): last follow up necessary. He intentionally ordered civilian targets bombed in Serbia and there were civilians killed. That makes him a war criminal. And not in the shot-wounded-men and innocent people to death sense that John Kerry is but full-on legally an international war criminal; lucky for him the US hasn’t allowed an international war crimes tribunal to form.]
Al Sharpton
When you have strongly stratified classes, Communism is an appealing notion to the ones beneath. Somehow avoiding the C-word or even the S-word makes it palatable enough for public discussion.
Dennis Kucinich
Cleveland? Seriously? Using one’s ability to run a town into the ground as proof that you’ve got the courage of your convictions is an interesting, if unoriginal position: Being bad at my job proves I’m doing it right.
Carol Moseley Braun
Is out of it now. Don’t know much about her. She has a nice smile.
Richard Gephardt
Well, why not? It took another tricky Dick three tries to get in the big chair. Oh, spoke too soon. He’s out now too. Gotta quit putting these off till the last minute.
John Edwards
Hmmm. Carolinas; they’re polite and courteous. Young and good looking. Yeah, he’s the winner in the batch. Also happens to be a blood sucking, ambulance chasing, nouveau riche elitist pro-war, anti-war, pro-war enemy of personal responsibility who thinks you deserve at least 8 million dollars for spilling coffee on yourself. Yep, he’s a rat bastard who calls people outside of his sphere, “regular people.” If I remember much about you, he’s the one you want.
Howard Dean
No one in the world is a bigger fan of righteous anger than I am. Ask anyone. This cat however, doesn’t look you in the eye when he yells at you. Speaking as an anger expert: That’s a very, very, very bad sign. That said, Vermont’s economy improved while taxes fell when he was Governor. I’m not convinced it won’t be a mistake but I’d probably vote for him.

Can’t hardly wait for the State of the Union Address.

[Ed (01/21/04): realized that Joe Lieberman got left off the list and wanted to mention that it wasn’t the silent anti-semitic treatment, I just honestly forgot he was running. I think he has that effect on a lot of voters. Poor bastard.]

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