50 queries from the weblog addressed, Vol. 2

Thursday, 26 February 2004

The hotly anticipated Volume 2. Phrases in bold below are taken from the Sedition·com weblogs. See the first 50 here.

How to be courteous.
Could start by learning some traffic laws. Things that are discourteous, like turning into the far lane, not signaling, tailgating, passing on the shoulder, or running red lights tend to also be illegal and fucking dangerous. If everyone had less road rage, we’d all be nicer to each other out of the cars too.
Why people think Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ.
Mark of the Beast One reason: the Bible specifically says that you will not be able to do business without bearing the mark of the Beast. While the Bible does not describe what the mark of the Beast will look like, we have obtained an image from one of the Dead Sea scrolls which may shed light on the matter.
Who is better than Bobby Fischer?
At what? Chess? Probably no one. At being a human being? Most any chimp in the show.
How much do freelance software developers charge?
Just enough to make it entirely more practical to put up with the hassle, time delay, and language problems that contracting New Delhi direct involves.
How much coffee is in espresso?
Espresso is coffee, you monkey.
Why white man is the Devil.
I can’t improve upon WB Yeats in this case.

The Great Day
Hurrah for revolution and more cannon-shot!
A beggar upon horseback lashes a beggar on foot.
Hurrah for revolution and cannon come again!
The beggars have changed places, but the lash goes on.
Why she should be with me.
Um… ’cause she likes guys who get their relationship cues via Google.
Why Starbucks is the Devil.
Well, they have made an ubiquitous 95¢ free-refills cup of coffee into a $3.50 international exercise in peppy snobbery. Can I get my card punched?
What’s a henweigh?
This question was asked 37 times. We presume by 37 different persons.
How to destroy America.
We already discussed it. Need more, eh? How about insisting that technology has made stealing a basic human right? That’s a good bit of erosion.
Why I fucked my dad.
I don’t get it. Are you looking for a support group or something? Maybe your dad is just extremely attractive. That’s why I fucked your dad.
Why is Ally McBeal so popular?
If I had a dollar for every time I asked the same question I could afford to run for President as an Independent.
Why is Ann Coulter such a cunt?
Because it’s her right to be. We live in a mostly free country—for as long as her advice is kept out of legislation anyway.
Why is Devil to blame?
Because you’re too weak and puny to possibly be responsible for anything yourself. It must be some big evil, invisible creature who is to blame.
Why the KKK burned crosses.
Because they are crypto-Satanists—Devil worshipers. Burning the cross is symbolic of destroying the sacrifice Christ made.
Why urine smells like coffee.
’Cause you drank too much coffee and your kidneys gave up even trying to deal with it. Don’t be scared. The pain and hassle of dialysis is overblown.
Why was the nuclear bomb created.
The same 2 reasons all terrible things are done: we can and we’re afraid someone else will.
How to beat Bobby Fischer.
I’ll say… tie one ankle to the wall and use a rattan cane to make sure he’s conscious for every moment of it.
How to buy a mail order bride.
Just pick your flavor—Eastern Caucasian or Asian—and hit Google. They’re much cheaper than self-respect; see also mail order bride for an outline of the process.
Who is the best guitar player in world?
Not me, alas. Thanks for pointing it out. It may be Paco DeLucia.
Who is a nymphomaniac?
Your mom. Your sister. Your daughter. Even your grandmother’ll lay down more often than not. So take your pick. The rest of us do.
Who is a revivalist?
Anyone trying to take responsibility for him or herself.
Who is Ayn Rind?
I like it better, actually. Sort of rhymes.
Who is Bambi Francisco?
A search engine click-through bonanza.
Why are bat houses used?
So bats have a place to hang their hats.
Why are bees attracted to yellow flowers?
Bees see in ultraviolet for flower identification so yellow is probably irrelevant to them.
Who is Brady of Brady Law?
James Brady. He survived a gunshot in the head from John Hinckley Jr while standing next to Ronald Reagan. He suffered brain damage and the first word he said when he regained consciousness was, “Raccoon,” a nickname for his wife.
His loving but misguided wife took the initiative to try to beat the Bill of Rights down a bit, Chapter 2 in this case. It’s worth noting that though the New York Times itself published lies that helped murder several million men, women, and children in the Ukraine, you can still use Chapter 1 of the Bill of the Rights without a license or a background check. Guess no one in the Ukraine had rich kin.
Who is Chelsea Clinton?
The miracle that allowed Amy Carter to look like a supermodel in comparison.
Who is my friend online?
Absolutely no one who has ever said the following to you: “sex/age?”
How many people died in car wrecks every year?
Varies, but I’ll tell you this, it’s almost 4 times as many as die in gun deaths (you also wanted to know about that). Yep, that’s right. Cars are 4 times deadlier than guns. You really want to cut out a piece of the Constitution? How about taking the bus every day for the rest of your life instead, you ignoramus? It would save more lives. Oh, but it would be inconvenient. Rats. Well, as long as it’s convenient, what’s 40,000 more dead Americans every year.
How to be a black person.
Ummmm… be born with the chromosomes to produce more melanin than Whitey. Or move to Alabama or Louisiana where even one black ancestor makes you full-blooded.
How to build a butterfly pavilion.
Study the work of Frank Gehry.
How to make a nuclear bomb.
It requires quite a bit of education, incredibly hazardous materials, and mechanical skill besides. Add about one or two billion dollars of capital and you’re in business. I don’t know why you’d bother when you could just grind up castor beans for a few dollars and dump the powder in the reservoir.
How to make someone think you’re suicidal.
I’ve got a better one: How to use a web anonymizer so you can’t be tracked down and beaten into 1929 for asking revolting questions.
How to speak the Devil’s tongue.
Lesson one. Repeat after me: See Spot run. What? Oh, silly me, you already speak English.
How to steal DVDs.
Line your pocket or jacket with aluminum foil to block the security tag from being scanned on the way out the door. But stealing is wrong so please only steal those DVDs which were directed by David Lynch. The extra “sales” will make him feel better until he gets the 2038 Lifetime-Thanks-for-Trying Academy Award®.
Who is John Galt?
Not you.
Who is the best role model?
There are only one or two that really matter. The parents. If they don’t get it right, you might as well tie an anvil on the kid’s head for how hard it’ll be for him to make anything out of himself or be happy.
Why Muslim women do not wear swimsuits.
Maybe Muslim men respect women so much that they refuse to exploit them as the Satanic West does for their mere physical form. Or maybe Muslim men are all gay.
How the Bible is antiwoman.
Jesus, just read the fucking thing already. You can start with asking why Noah’s wife didn’t even have a name. And aren’t you curious that there were no female Apostles? There are only two roles women played in Jesus’ life: sexless mother and bone addict whore.
Why do you deserve independence?
Because it’s easier to cede it to me than to pay the diluvian bills trying to keep it from me would precipitate. And primarily, perhaps, because I refuse to take it away from anyone else.
Why do you think kids talk in classes?
Because you’re a bad teacher.
Why do you think one teacher is better and more enjoyable than another?
Because some people are just naturally entertaining and some who aren’t try harder.
How many people died of smoking last year?
Almost 140 times more than died on September 11th, 2001. And that many will die this year. And the next. And the next. But by all means, let’s bankrupt our country and give carte blanche to the same cats at the FBI who killed 25 kids at Waco so that we can prevent another foreign sponsored terrorist act this century.
How do I buttfuck Bill Gates?
Ask nicely. You never know for sure till you ask.
Why telling kids about Santa is wrong.
Because children need to know what to expect from the world and their parents. From the world: hidden movers who bring joy in the form of free things. From their parents: lies.
Why My Lai was bad.
Besides the murder and rape of 300-500 innocent civilians, you mean?
Well, specifically because none of the US soldiers involved got the death penalty. That is to say none of the soldiers involved got any penalty except William Calley whom Nixon let off the hook. He lives in Columbus, Georgia today. You should look him up if you have the time and saliva.
Why procrastinate?
Because if I’d put off this one till tomorrow, I might have had time to think of a funny reply.
Why sedition is bad.
Hey, I know I have off days, but that’s not very nice.

Volume 1 is available for your valued consideration.

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