50 queries from the weblog addressed, Vol. 3

Friday, 27 February 2004

Volume 3 below. Here is Volume 2 and Volume 1.

Do not use vinegar and baking soda.
Some have to learn the hard way that a proper douche is vinegar and water.
Do you know what really happened?
Yes I do. We all do. We agreed not to talk about it with you.
How to Ass Bottle masturbate with house items.
Before you begin rifling through the utensils don’t forget that medical records, including X-rays of foreign objects lodged in various cavities, often end up on the Internet.
How many states are there in the US?
47. Counting Puerto Rico, 48. Counting Hawaii and Alaska too, 50. Oh, and Texas is of some historical importance, so 51 for bar bets.
Do you need a rubber when a hooker gives you head?
Finally! a practical question. The answer is yes. It’s 3rd on the list of what you need.
The John’s Trick-Quicksheet
  1. $50 cash and no more, you don’t want to get rolled or go on a spending spree in the heat of the moment (your Visa is for bail). If he or she asks for more than $50, shop around. It’s a buyer’s market.
  2. An alibi: working late, beer with the guys, traffic, etc.
  3. A box of condoms.
  4. The address of the local free clinic in case of condom malfunction.
  5. An air freshener to get the whore stank out of your car afterward.
  6. A set of excuses to make to your children, friends, and local media if caught.
  7. A set of excuses to make to yourself if it turns out the prostitute is a transsexual.
  8. A skilled divorce lawyer, just in case.

Now you’re ready to have some fun!

How much blood?
No thanks. I’m stuffed.
How to make children with anal sex.
Yep, teaching abstinence is paying off.
How to propose anal sex.
Jam a cucumber up your ass. Rub yourself raw with it. Write a poem about how great it feels. Give the poem to your significant other over a candlelit dinner.
Why are men better at everything?
Do you want to rephrase to include “excepting humility” or “especially arrogance?”
Do it yourself pond.
You have to buy me dinner first.
Do cocaine addicts spend time alone?
Just the male ones.
Why be embarrassed?
Excellent advice. Why indeed? I feel much better.
Why can it be so difficult for people to do what is right?
No one likes being lonely.
Why Canada airport prefix start with “Y”?
They do?! Yes, they do seem to. Moncton-YQM and all. Actually a good reason. In the 1950s when airport codes were the thing, they wanted a way to keep them short and show they were all of a cloth. Y wasn’t getting much use. Ta.
How did humans evolve from monkeys?
We didn’t. It’s ignorant jumps like that that give leverage to skepticism about evolution. We evolved from Homo Erectus. Probably Homo Habilis begat Homo Erectus begat Homo Sapiens Sapiens—us, mostly. Once you go back more than 5 million years our ancestors start to look more like chimps. That far back though you wouldn’t recognize most animals, let alone humans, as their current descendants. America was crawling with 20 foot tall sloths. Horses were barely 4 feet high. Sharks had jaws 8 feet wide. Elephants were covered in fur.
For the love of the Hello Kitty vibrator, please take a science course. And if you must make jumps, you can remember that we’re in the phylum chordata—we evolved from worms.
Why change sugar water hummingbird?
Because lots of single celled animals also like sugar water and they don’t like being ingested by hummingbirds. Why don’t you leave a plate of jelly on your refrigerator for two weeks and see if it agrees with you.
Why did JFK get killed?
Because at least one person hated him. And maybe because up until the moment he was killed about 100 million Americans thought he was the worst President since Andrew Johnson. Being killed, or even shot, is huge for popularity. We recommend it for any President with flagging approval polls. Hey, everyone dies someday, why not go down in the history books as a great president instead of the chimp who took us back to the ’50s? Oh, but I kid!
Why gullible was removed from dictionary?
Oh, you’re beautiful. I hope you didn’t ask a friend first. They say there are no stupid questions but that’s only when you ask Google.
Why have a pen name?
Say for example you write things which others will want to kill you for. Or there’s this.
Why is killing someone wrong?
It’s not. Killing someone innocent is wrong. It’s wrong b/c if it’s right, we have a problem that only gobs of murder and a few centuries of it is going to sort out.
Why is my boss such an asshole?
Don’t worry about why, just start documenting it. Save email, write down times and dates of inappropriate behavior or language, and when you’ve got enough, go get a lawyer and hang that fucker’s balls from the highest oak. Don’t feel too bad about reaming the company either. They made him a boss.
Why is public transport undependable?
Compared to my carpool it’s the Swiss rail system… hmmm.
Why Java will always be slower than C?
Because it’s interpreted, it’s higher level so it’s full of checks and tests to make sure it’s working right, and it’s all flash and no heat, you fad following monkey.
Why we are better off with the test tube baby?
Who is we? If you mean “the human race” then we are not. If you mean the semi-fertile parents who are desperate to have children of their own, they might be better off. Though we’d all be better off, them included, if they’d reconsider adoption. It helps a child find a loving family and it keeps their broken seed out of the gene pool.
Why women are nymphomaniac?
Because in a chauvinist society a rose by any other name doesn’t sound as sweet.
Why won’t Perl write to Excel?
It will.
Why would I do the right thing?
If you can ask that, you wouldn’t. That’s why you are going to die alone, used up, and unsure if anything you ever did mattered to you or anyone else.
What is the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet?
Silly! They all get used once in the alphabet.
What the Ku Klux Klan wore.
Skirts, lipstick, pearls, and high heels. That’s what the hoods and gowns were covering.
How to convince suck dick.
The answer to this is probably found in another query: how to clean house. And again, quit being such an asshole. Considerate guys have to constantly refuse blow jobs just to get some writing done.
How to draw Daria.
Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
How to fuck a horse.
One word comes to mind: carefully. Oh, and: secretly.
How to fuck off.
For the ESL crowd–fuck off is only an expression. It means please quit talking and leave me alone. But without the “please.”
Do we need a strong presidency?
We have a strong presidency. And we have had too many strong presidents. Strong arm. Strong opinion. Strong ethnocentrism. Strong ignorance. Strong connections with dangerous and hopelessly corrupt industries. What we need is an honest presidency and the legislation and judicial precedent to enforce it remain so.
How to write an interesting bio of yourself.
Focus on specific and strange events in your life and not on your opinions of what God has meant in your life. “L.”
How to write with a fountain pen.
Carefully and consistently in a single style. Those things break like Italian motorcycles if you mix cursive and print. And the Cross company starts to complain and threaten to cut off service on their “lifetime guarantee” after the third repair.
How to horse tire swing.
It’s completely unsafe to put a horse in a tire swing or to let them play around the pool.
How to rebuke the Devil.
Try this: Bad Devil! No! Sit!
How to say congratulations to ex-girlfriend.
Better idea: how to stay out of her life.
How to seduce a stripper.
Think Columbia. Think Jackson. Stay on that train of thought as long as you can get advances against your paycheck.
How to sodomy.
You know how to whistle, don’t you?
How to spot the Anti-Christ?
According to Revelation, it should be trivial. He’s got 7 heads, 10 horns with crowns, can heal himself, has leopard spots and bear feet, and he is friends with a Dragon and some other nasty customers.
How to start lying.
How to start isn’t the trick. It’s how to keep track of them all well enough to keep someone from knocking a few of your teeth down your throat.
How to study the Bible as a group.
  1. Get a group of friends who are interested.
  2. Prepare some nice healthy snacks.
  3. Set up a comfortable seating arrangement.
  4. Ask everyone to bring his or her own copy (best if it’s the same translation to avoid diversions) so it’s easier to read together.
  5. Suspend reason.
How to suicide painlessly.
High caliber gunshot to the medulla oblongata. It will take off the top of your head and most of your face but since the brain is where the pain goes, there won’t be anything left to feel it. The bullet travels faster than the speed of sound—you won’t even hear the gun go off. There are some potentially painless drug/pill methods but they aren’t completely reliable. Please don’t kill yourself. I like you.
How to tell a Korean you like him.
Learn what Chu-sok is and who Tan-gun was. Never pour your own drink or let him pour his. Use two hands when handing things to anyone. Show his family as much respect as possible and pray they aren’t too traditional to let their son date a Yankee.
How to join the CIA.
They take applications. If you get an interview, score points by telling them it’s always been your dream to work with them and not that bunch of knuckle draggers over at the FBI.
How to kill someone by neck.
It’s quite easy. You don’t need a box-cutter, either. A pencil will do the trick. Even a reasonably strong blow from a hand or an airline tray or a tightly rolled-up magazine can crush the larynx. Choke hold works too but you’ve gotta be strong and expect at least 10 or more seconds of profound struggle. Piano string and two pieces of broom handle is easier and faster if you’re not a big person.
How to show her that you’re sorry.
Whatever you did, don’t do it again. Sorry means shit unless you mean it.
How to have the best possible sex with a fat person.
I have no idea. I sincerely hope you find your answer though.

Don’t forget that Volume 1 and Volume 2 died for your sins.

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